Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.
The Czar pays attention, for the most part, to the emails and tweets he receives, and notes with some smug pride that many of you have come to appreciate his long-standing observation that the spontaneous rioting that occurs in cities … Continue reading →
Our beloved Operative SMR writes in that he and his wife were recently shoplifting in Ikea, and was delighted to find we have a product for sale there. Lest you doubt him, here’s the photo: “I always wondered where you … Continue reading →
The Czar and his family spent a wonderful weekend off-line, thank you, at a fantastic and ancient lake home up in Wisconsin with a large group of people. The days were filled with swimming, boating, eating, bonfires, and a hell … Continue reading →
Based on the support of England and Wales, Britain voted to leave the European Union. You might have heard about this; it was mentioned at least twice last week on the news. We’re also hearing that Scotland and Northern Ireland … Continue reading →
Nihil agis, nihil moliris, nihil cogitas quod non ego non modo audiam sed etiam videam planeque sentiam. Operative B swings by the Castle bar last night but declines to drink anything, He does however throw this out: Your Imperiousness, This … Continue reading →
The Czar is a giving Czar, and it warms his heart to see someone as famous and respected as Uncle Jay—the Big Guy, and the guy who should have gone into gritty, rage-filled urban hate rap instead of fiber optics—supplicating … Continue reading →
The Czar has written a lot of great stuff over the years, all of which has been useful to you, and some of which probably saved your lives. Like today: the Czar woke up and realized you need to read … Continue reading →
The Czar finally figured out some stuff about the demand to raise the minimum wage. The Czar has explained why raising the minimum wage always hurts before, and who’s behind the whole scam, so he won’t go into that again. … Continue reading →
Operative B writes in, expressing a concern shared by millions right now: Your Greatness, This lowly one comes before you and begs permission to make an observation about some horrors in recent American history. But not the reason or ideology … Continue reading →
The Czar finally figured out some stuff about the demand to raise the minimum wage. The Czar has explained why raising the minimum wage always hurts before, and who’s behind the whole scam, so he won’t go into that again. … Continue reading →
It’s getting harder and harder to look forward to a 2016 election. You know, it’s been a very long time since both parties put up utter losers while the other party was so vulnerable. This should have been a cakewalk … Continue reading →
Not much provocation is required to launch the Czar into a rant about people’s driving habits. Likely, you share as much loathing for the typical driver as does the Czar. Indeed, some years ago, we suggested that the perfect intelligence … Continue reading →
Opinions on the Millennial generation vary here at the Castle. The Czar is a bit fascinated with generational psychology (and even prepared a handy guide for you all), and takes a more favorable view of this group than some of … Continue reading →
A couple of grabs from the mail bag today, and up first is Operative SMR, who used to write in quite a bit before he got bored with us: Dear The Czar, Thank you for your encouraging alert on the … Continue reading →
Backlash can be a good thing, which is wonderful because there has been so much of that lately. Yes, you’re well aware of how Target’s stock prices have been negatively affected by their un-PR decision to remove the figurative doors … Continue reading →
The Czar has mentioned before that President Obama is obsessed with his own self-importance, and in particular what legacy he will leave. As Obama enters the twilight of his presidency, it is now clear what he has chosen it to … Continue reading →
Due to a rare confluence of fortunate circumstances, the Czar managed to see a tentpole Hollywood blockbuster—Captain America: Civil War—on its opening night. Surprisingly, the theater was full but not crowded, and we were able to get very good seats, … Continue reading →
Thanks to all the loyal readers who peppered the Czar with concerns and complaints about our site’s performance recently. The Czar wants you to know that (a) he reads every one of them and (b) he’s not the freaking technical … Continue reading →
The Czar loathes, as you know, the media, particularly when they attempt to discuss scientific stories they haven’t really studied. Today, we find another example: a story is circulating around the news wires (many of these stories were written by … Continue reading →
Odds are you probably don’t want to be like the Czar. But if you are, you probably drive around your neighborhood, look at the scenery around you, and prudently wonder “What the hell is with all these mattress stores?” Gone … Continue reading →
The Czar hasn’t been neglecting his mail, but the question below was a pretty tough one from Operative B. Donald Trump, despite all his massive failures as a logician, poses a reasonable question: why not just chuck NATO, or at … Continue reading →
Much to the Czar’s astonishment, he went to a movie today in a real theater without having studied reviews of the film in advance. This is normally a massive no-no, but the Czar already had high expectations for The Jungle … Continue reading →
When it rains, it pours. Around some cerebral circles in the conservative corners, a discussion about UBI is circulating. Shorthand for Universal Basic Income, it’s an approach being seriously considered by a handful of European countries as a wholesale substitute … Continue reading →
It’s basically grilling season at last—although here in Muscovy the weather remains detrimental to good grilling. However, this delay shall be measured in days and the Czar, naturally, is quite excited. As grilling season kicks off, the Czar wants to … Continue reading →
The Czar wishes to offend everybody today. Obviously, the dead of Brussels are a tragedy, and the wounded have our strongest hopes for a full recovery. The Czar does not intend to mock them, but will certainly criticize the hell … Continue reading →
One of the more reliable vanities that conservatives have always enjoyed is that, despite the ceaseless contradiction from the Left, conservatives are a smart, practical, intelligent bunch of people. After all, it has been said repeatedly, conservatives think with their … Continue reading →
Operative SM writes in with a sadly true observation: Dearest Czar, Having occupied one of the reddest of red counties in Illinois I am disturbed to no end by our current situation, and no, not on the national stage, but … Continue reading →
The Czar lives in a heavily Republican enclave in a deeply red county in Illinois; in fact, the Mandarin and the Czar often trade jibes with each other over whose home county is more conservative. It’s pretty much a tie. … Continue reading →
The Czar has been a big supporter of Bhutan since he first thought about it, around five minutes ago. Bhutan is a large country just to the right of Turkey, or at least that’s how it looked on Google Maps … Continue reading →
“Gambling Hotline. My name is Josh; to whom am I speaking?” “Yeah, hi, putz. My name is Ghettoputer Gormogon, and I’m sitting at the Leaping Peacock’s video blackjack machines. I’m about $300 in the hole, here, and I noticed your … Continue reading →
At this point, it is a three-person race. Dr. Ben Carson continues on his book tour, enjoying the limelight but not sure what to do with it. He’s contributing nothing at this point. Gov. John Kasich at this point is … Continue reading →
Operative B writes in to encapsulate his annoyance with the Democrats’ execrable reaction to the passing of Justice Scalia. Your Majesty, The latest internet meme about the loss of Antonin Scalia is that we either replace him or we’re in … Continue reading →
Mark Spahn of West Seneca, New York, mused the following; Sleeper possibility: Obama nominates a CAIR/Brotherhood Moslem. After all, Governor Christie has appointed Moslems to the New Jersey bench. Upon confirmation the Moslem justice would take the name Mohammed al-Sharia. … Continue reading →
Well, not literally fallout. That’s from a different kind of physics. But ScottO, troubled minion, has been having no luck getting to sleep due to all this gravity wave talk. Indeed, ever hungry for science that even the Czar can … Continue reading →
Today, mainstream media outlets paused in their breathless coverage of the Zika virus to cover another science story they don’t remotely understand: the confirmation of the existence of gravity waves. You probably don’t understand the importance of this because you’re … Continue reading →
Yesterday, Mark Spahn of West Seneca, New York, asked for the hundredth time where all these American apologists for Islam—particularly Barack Obama—find reference to the Islamic Golden Rule. Greetings from deep inside the deep blue enclave of Chapel Hill. With … Continue reading →
The Czar is not posting a review of Saturday’s Republican debate as he did not see it. He was instead watching the Chicago Blackhawks trounce the Dallas Stars with the star of this video: The video was premiered Saturday evening, … Continue reading →
The Czar cannot remember anyone being excited about the Iowa caucuses, given they’re (a) caucuses and (b) in Iowa. But last night’s event was just as much fun as a national election, but doubled. First was the Republican side, which … Continue reading →
Last night, of course, was the 76th Republican debate of the season, made memorable by the moronic decision by Donald Trump to be elsewhere. Under no calculus on earth does this make him look good or offer an advantage. Not … Continue reading →
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the Zika virus, which is known as the MERS, H1N1A, … Continue reading →
Operative B writes in with a question that interested us, so here it is: O Great One! This lowly minion crawls on your still-threadbare carpeting to beg an answer to a simple question: do people hate Trump because he’s a … Continue reading →
The movie 13 Hours does not mention Hillary Clinton in any way, but viewers are apparently plenty wise whom the movie is about. Liberals aren’t likely to see the movie either way, but you can tell whether they agree with … Continue reading →
Not much can be said about the Democratic debate that hasn’t been ridiculed extensively on social media. The Democrats know it—this is why they schedule debates for times no one will ever watch. Two points, though, came to our attention, … Continue reading →
We’re finally getting to the real debates. Senator Rand Paul and Carly Fiorina are already off the main stage; Gov. Chris Christie, Gov. John Kasich, Gov. Jeb Bush, and Dr. Ben Carson are already moving to the edges and seemed … Continue reading →
North Korea hates being ignored. And with all this talk of war between Saudi Arabia and Iran, with Russian declaring (finally!) that America is a threat to its ridiculous interests, the Norks are getting a little itchy, ya know? A … Continue reading →
Mark Spahn, an infidel from West Seneca, New York, spotted a weird little story on another site in which a couple of younger folks stood in a public place and invited passers by to “Ask A Muslim” anything they wanted. … Continue reading →
It’s the end of the year, when journalists take off for two weeks for the holidays, but try to pretend they’re always on the clock by writing, often weeks in advance, their annual top ten lists. See, this way, the … Continue reading →
Most Americans—and by far, most—think Democrats’ current college plans are laughable at best. A few coastal clusters, to be sure, think both Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have great ideas, but most people are just shaking their heads and wondering … Continue reading →
The Czar likes to post movie reviews on their actual opening weekends, just in case our loyal readers are sorta on the fence about seeing the movie. Of course, this review is for Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and the … Continue reading →
Operative JTS writes in after a couple of years—he’s been on a project to travel every road less taken in order to end the nonsense of inequality—to say, well, hello: It has been a while and to be frank, I … Continue reading →
Kind of a weird debate last night. First, a quick rundown of the participants from house left to right. Gov. John Kasich. By now, you’ve heard about his weird hand gestures all night, and yes—they were the subject of much … Continue reading →
You haven’t heard of Lincolnshire, Illinois, and likely don’t care to know much about it. It’s a nice, northern suburb of Chicago, with nice homes, good schools, and a Jewish population so large its residents kiddingly refer to it as … Continue reading →
Fish has long been a trendy food item. Five years ago, they were giving monkfish away as an unpopular entrée; today—due to its sudden popularity in Europe and other places—it’s now selling for $12 a pound. In a few more … Continue reading →
The Czar has kids, like many of you and all of the Gormogons (many of whom admit it, too). Many readers of a certain age recall well their grade school days, and will likely remember the handful of days spent … Continue reading →
Operative B has been thinking about firearms. O Fearsome One, This lowly minion was discussing the attack in San Bernardino online and in a Facebook thread (yes, I know: self-flagellation would be more productive) and was making progress helping an … Continue reading →
Mark Spahn, known to lurk about West Seneca, New York—and not that execrable East Seneca, New York—is well aware that your Gormogons are instantly violent in the presence of Esperanto speakers, and indeed our dungeons are filled with several of … Continue reading →
Speaking of GorT, he did the Czar a really big favor recently. Stuck for a vacation spot, the Czar complained that all the good places really worth taking the kids to were pretty much not all that great anymore. “Well, … Continue reading →
From JAB. Hey there — just wondering if y’all in the Castle are paying attention to the shenanigans going on in some of this nation’s finest institutions of higher education? [Hint- nothing to do with imparting knowledge.] In brief: Yale … Continue reading →
The Czar has been pretty well out of it lately. Sure, there was a time change—for you, you gain and hour of sleep and the worst that happens is you get hungry an hour earlier. When a Gormogon goes through … Continue reading →
Operative B has some good observations here: Your Majesty, The latest enemy of both Hillary and Bernie is – the “big banks”. They want to take them down, tear them apart, rid them of profits. And they want to do … Continue reading →
If you totally missed the debates last night and were only skimming news about them today—or, one supposes, you did see the debates and were skimming headlines anyway—you would be forgiven for thinking nothing happened on the debates except for … Continue reading →
Operative B wants to clarify his comments in regard to a recent exchange the two of us had on the nature of Republicans, and whether they were more like Democrats than people realize. The Czar takes the opinion that modern … Continue reading →
Operative B wrote into the Czar with a question he’s seen in a few places, really: what the hell is wrong with the GOP? More specifically, he wants to know what happened to defunding Planned Parenthood? Or the EPA? What … Continue reading →
Castle visitors can be all ready for the holidays with our brand new selection of Christmas wraiths. Welcome your holiday visitors into your home by decorating your doors with any of these lovelies! Be bold! The PhantomWarning looks completely solid, but lacks … Continue reading →
The Czar has been quite behind in his email, and hasn’t been able to get to all of it. He does mostly read it, though. Here are some that stood out. From Operative B: Your Greatness, It occurs to this … Continue reading →
As loyal readers know, the Czar does unpleasant things so you don’t have to, such as watching political debates. And while the Czar is traditionally pretty brutal to the Republican candidates after a debate, he is certain to include the … Continue reading →
About 4:00 in the morning of June 25, 1950, ten North Korean divisions poured down into South Korea, overwhelming local forces and American troops in short order. Within four hours, the South Korean government called the United States, pleading for … Continue reading →
At long last, police superintendent Garry McCarthy is facing significant heat for the ridiculous crime rate in the city of Chicago, with numerous high-ranking city voices calling out loudly for his firing. Is CPD Supt McCarthy as incompetent as his … Continue reading →
Operative B writes in with some salience about the carpet in here. He also mentions some other things. O Dread One! This lowly minion comes before you on hands and knees (by the way, you need new carpeting in front … Continue reading →
The Czar had this unsigned message hurled into the head of a Tcho-Tcho, as a brick carefully tied to a piece of paper. More curiously, the note was scrawled onto the brick; the paper was blank. Perhaps an atavistic envelope? … Continue reading →
Dr. Ben Carson was not wrong to say that a Muslim should not be put in charge of this nation. He was wrong to answer the question in the first place, since it was clearly a ploy by an increasingly … Continue reading →
Sciencey readers may have learned that giant exoplanet Beta Pictoris b has been photographed to unprecedented detail. Here is the picture of the world, about 63 light years away. Amazing. Anyway, thanks to the Gormogons’ proprietary super-advanced high-resolution image rendering … Continue reading →
The understands that a lot of men think a beard is very manly. The Czar agrees, but reminds everyone that most manly thing is—whether you have a beard or not—knowing how to shave correctly. Operative SMR throws in some gravy … Continue reading →
The explosion (figurative speaking, relax) of cheap razor blade “clubs” is in response to something many adults have wondered about: why the hell are razor blades so expensive? Good heavens, they keep them locked up next to the good cognacs … Continue reading →
Dear Your Czarness: Please pardon a humble minion, but I wish to draw your attention to the media coverage of the “European Refugee Crisis,” which has risen to such a crescendo-of-crap (™ pending!) that I simply must disturb the serenity … Continue reading →
Last week, the Czar took the position that the Kim Davis story, while interesting, featured some big mistakes by both sides. This prompted The One—no, not that One, the one in Nebraska—to write in. Dearest Czarczar, I agree with you … Continue reading →
The Czar is by no means finished with his summer, least of all does he contemplate putting away any of his extensive platoon of grilling equipment. However, the Czar has noticed that his collection of ideas for the platoon was … Continue reading →
As you have heard—because by God the media are all beside themselves on this—a county clerk in Kentucky named Kim Davis refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples (which is legal in Kentucky). She was jailed for contempt of … Continue reading →
It’s been about 25 years since Uncle Jay wrote in with a question or observation, and he makes up for it by providing both. And, better still, on one of our favorite subjects here at the Big G, firearms. Most … Continue reading →
The Цесаревич remarked to the Царица the other day that he’s never been to the Art Institute of Chicago. This was a surprise because even the Царевич has (but only to the Modern Wing, he reminded her, and then only … Continue reading →
Remember when every day Americans were told the color of their national security risk? Today, we are at yellow alert, for example, which means an Elevated Risk of a terrorist incident. There were other colors, ranging from Green all the … Continue reading →
Dear World, Yes, the Czar is sorry to hear that the beautiful ruins of Palmyra have been destroyed by ISIS. Forgive the Czar if he’s not jaw-droppingly stunned like so many of you seemed to be. That’s what ISIS does: … Continue reading →
The Czar is too often right. No, he’s not always right, like ‘Puter, but he’s often right enough that he gets a little tired of it. What are we on about? This whole Clinton/Biden thing. More specifically, the Czar’s long-held … Continue reading →
Republicans and conservatives—who are not always the same group—have had a fantasy for some time that Hillary Clinton—already reasonably beatable in a general election—may be defeated in the primary due to the email scandal. Cooler heads, usually prevailing, remind us … Continue reading →
Marie has been our archivist for quite a while now, and every so often races up from the Castle basement because she either found something really interesting from our past, or another casket moved a couple inches while growling at … Continue reading →
The Czar gets a lot of mail, and some of it is wonderful. Not enough, actually, but some. For example, we received this wonderful note this morning: Estimated Czar of Muscovy, Thank you very very much for posting the illuminating … Continue reading →
Here’s your guide to the Democratic candidates heading for a road accident with our country. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who has had balanced her legacy as a first lady, senator, secretary of state, and total … Continue reading →
Donald Trump is probably in your news timeline right now, if you’d only bother to look. First, the MSM is riveted with this guy: a celebrity acting and doing and saying crazy Republican things, and leading in the polls. He … Continue reading →
The Czar thinks with all the latest nonsense flying around the news cycle, we can take a break today. Here’s one of the Czar’s long-forgotten favorites to cheer you up. It’s the Zombies, with “Care of Cell 44.” This song … Continue reading →
Each election cycle, the Czar watches the debates so you don’t have to. Well, to be honest, last night’s first Republican candidate debate happened to be inconveniently scheduled on a night that we were busy getting tuxedos for the boys, … Continue reading →
Dear Parents and Guardians of Leng Elementary School Students, It’s hard to believe that another exciting school year is upon us, even though we’ve opened every back-to-school letter with that sentence since 1960. We’re so very excited to make this … Continue reading →
From: Leading GOP Candidate To: The Czar of Muscovy Date: August 3, 2015 Subject: The Critical Moment of Decision is NOW!!! Dear Mr. of Muscovy: This is the hardest email we have ever written at our campaign headquarters. We never … Continue reading →
Here are stories far more important than the Planned Parenthood savagery, according to the MainStream Media: Obama talking climate change. Cecil the lion Walker’s answer on Obama’s Christianity not answery enough for people Shooter kills man outside Mississippi courthouse Hitchhiking … Continue reading →
The Czar remains a huge advocate for The Boy Scouts of America (and Girl Scouts, too!). Although some under-educated right wing commentators have incorrectly bad-mouthed the manliness of the BSA recently, the fact remains that Scouting is a dirt-cheap way … Continue reading →
Boneman writes in after too long an absence to wax politically philosophic on Progressivism. Like a heavy gray blanket, the gray grip of progressivism continues to slowly smother the United States. Progressivism is the cancer that we all contracted more … Continue reading →
Recently, the Czar grumbled about why the government grows and never will, in reality, shrink. This is a big issue for lots of people on both sides of the aisle, but only conservatives and libertarians seems to come up with … Continue reading →
The Czar was not expecting to see Ant-Man this weekend as the Цесаревич is just back from Цѣсарь Scouts Camp (merit badges in Serf Punching, Long Distance Shooting, Worst Aid, and Axemanship). But it turned out that after a good … Continue reading →
Prior to Obamacare’s passage, there were about 18 million people uninsured. Today, the estimate of people uninsured is, well, 18 million. We’ve seen early on from the “revised downward” news reports (usually released on Fridays) after the launch of the … Continue reading →
Well, the Czar is certainly all excited for the upcoming Pluto fast flyby! If you have been living under a rock for the last few years, in addition to liking Donald Trump’s campaign, you should also know that we finally … Continue reading →
