“Gambling Hotline. My name is Josh; to whom am I speaking?”“Yeah, hi, putz. My name is Ghettoputer Gormogon, and I’m sitting at the Leaping Peacock’s video blackjack machines. I’m about $300 in the hole, here, and I noticed your sign up on the wall.”
“Yes, sir, the one that says if you need help with a gambling problem, just call our 800 number?”
“Well, it wasn’t the ‘no smoking’ sign, chief. Yeah, that’s the one. It says to call any time, 24 hours a day. Well, I’ve got a problem.”
“Sir, we’re happy to help, whatever your gambling problem.”
“Great. The dealer here has a soft 10, and I’ve got a pair of 8s. Do I make a second bet and split, or what?”
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.