Due to a rare confluence of fortunate circumstances, the Czar managed to see a tentpole Hollywood blockbuster—Captain America: Civil War—on its opening night. Surprisingly, the theater was full but not crowded, and we were able to get very good seats, unlike the young mom two rows behind us whose toddler had to pee every five freaking minutes. Didn’t bother us, though, although mom probably missed most of the movie.
Was it any good? Doesn’t matter: if you like Marvel movies, you’re going to love it. If you’re tired of superhero movies, you probably will enjoy this a lot. If you’ve never cared for superhero movies and like more avante garde period pieces involving people talking a lot over dinners, then no—this will be two-and-a-half hours of hell for you.
The Czar, of course, thinks Disney’s control over the Marvel Studios brand has been nothing short of impressive, churning out great stories in tandem, linking movie franchises together, and putting in really tense action scenes melded with savvy political (and often surprisingly conservative) themes.
But you’ll see it for yourself. What the Czar is here to do is answer your questions that no other movie critic dares touch.
How much of the I Ching do I have to know?
Almost nothing, but it might help you to bone up on Hexagram 25, with its acceptance that an entanglement may not turn out to be a mistake. It will help explain a joke between Ant Man and a waitress.
Is it true that black can be a better color to wear on hot days?
Only if you’re in the shade, as black clothing radiates heat faster. If you’re in the sun, you want to reflect light, so white clothing is the smarter way to go.
I often bring an ocelot to the movie. Will she enjoy this?
Probably not, so bring something she can shred, like cardboard, in case she gets bored.
Will Josh ever stop talking?
Only when he falls asleep. Don’t bring him to the movie, because he’ll just piss off everyone around him.
Are there a lot of twists and surprises? Because my girlfriend likes to blurt out what’s about to happen, and the only way to enjoy myself is if she has no clue what’s about to occur.
Yes, there are surprises, but no, you should really put her in a heavy container and drop her from a height over an abyssal trench.
You tell us.
These superhero movies seem to be getting very tiresome.
That’s not a question.
Are guns allowed in the theater?
Evidently so, as the Czar so no signage indicating otherwise.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.