From: Leading GOP Candidate
To: The Czar of Muscovy
Date: August 3, 2015
Subject: The Critical Moment of Decision is NOW!!!
Dear Mr. of Muscovy:
This is the hardest email we have ever written at our campaign headquarters. We never thought it would come to this, but the Obama administration has done it again. We just learned that this corrupt, awful administration has Failed to appoint assistant adjutant director of agricultural weights and measures !!
This wantonly treasonous act must not go unpunished! As I am running for president, I hear from ordinary Americans like you, The, and I am outraged. Because of the President’s brazen and lawless action, we might well be poised on the brink to COMPLETE ANNIHILATION! There’s no return for a country that tolerates uncontrolled disregard for common sense.
Already we have seen cases of space junk crashing down onto playgrounds, packs of hyenas eating carpets in Class A real estate, and spontaneous lava fires erupting in the American heartland.
But there’s still a chance. A small donation, maybe of $750, $1,000, or even $5,000, could help us stem the tide, reverse the fires, tide the stem, and fire the reverse. Things are out of control, and every day Barack Obama is president, another 1.5 million Americans will disappear off the face of the earth. If you can afford only $1, a postage stemp, a handful of Swingline staples, or some gently used tape, send it in! Let’s bring our country back to where it was in 2008! Or maybe 1987. Or 1928 would probably be better. You choose, I’ll back it.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.