Dear Parents and Guardians of Leng Elementary School Students,

It’s hard to believe that another exciting school year is upon us, even though we’ve opened every back-to-school letter with that sentence since 1960. We’re so very excited to make this year the best school year ever, even though that’s another cliche we’ve depended on, whether or not we’ve remotely come close to achieving that goal. We all remember the late 1980s, right?

Come to think of it, it’s tough to back up that promise since we haven’t hired any new teachers, haven’t updated the curriculum, and more than half the classrooms still have no air conditioning. Actually, the upcoming school year will likely be as long and unmotivating as the last few years.

Anyway, speaking of terribly trite school letter aphorisms, let’s take the opportunity to remind your kids to read, read, read this summer, since of course as educators we assume your children are unable to do anything constructive for themselves unless we harp on them first.

Since there are only a couple of weeks left before your little ones wander sleepily through inconsistently lit corridors that smell of pencil shavings, motor oil, and puke sawdust, we wanted to publish our official list of school supplies your child will need to purchase prior to the first day of school:

• Eight (8) packs of 100-count 3″ x 5″ index cards, yellow in color
• Highlighters, including green, pink, mauve, ochre, beige, maroon, and teal
• Four (4) Trapper Keepers featuring a nautical theme
• A 500mm-wide artist’s pain pallet from France
• Two (2) packs of 16-count 4-inch chalk sticks, white in color
• Three (3) 16-oz bottle of fabric glue
• Six (6) packages of sanitizing wipes, Mango-scented
• A female hyena pelt (male pelts not acceptable at this time)
• Two (2) boxes of 50-count security envelopes, white, size 9
• Four (4) more packages of sanitizing wipes
• Two (2) tubes of aerosol-based body glitter
• 300-count bag of corn-starch packing peanuts
• 1-1/2 HP variable speed plunge router
• An 8′ x 10′ poly tarpulin
• 100′ (black) dynamic lead climber’s rope (9.2mm)
• Twelve (12) dozen packages of sanitizing wipes
• A heavy duty Sharpie-style marker, red
• Four (4) box cutters
• A 12′ x 12′ santizing wipe
• A hundred (100) AAA batteries, individually wrapped
• Keurig K550 coffee maker
• Thirty-eight (30) two-inch three-ring binders, blue

However, if you are concerned about the financial impact of these supplies, why not just purchase the school supplies your kids will actually use this year:

• Four sheets of loose leaf paper
• Two pencils
• A folder

P.S. If you are homeschooling this year, please let us know how it’s going. If your kids are doing even slightly better, drop us a line and we’ll send you a couple kids from our K-3 classes who could use some attention.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.