Sciencey readers may have learned that giant exoplanet Beta Pictoris b has been photographed to unprecedented detail. Here is the picture of the world, about 63 light years away.
Anyway, thanks to the Gormogons’ proprietary super-advanced high-resolution image rendering algorithms, we were able to increase the resolution of this picture an astonishing 7000 percentages. This enabled us to (prospectively) map out its apparent surface features. Please refer to this map going forward.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.