A Review of the Almost Debate

Hillary looked every bit the twisted shrew matron who pretends to maintain a strict golf-club ladies social propriety while overlooking her husband fornicating outside the clubhouse picture window with the 8th hole's ball washer. It took all of her considerable denial to twitter and laugh at Trump's Al Czervik, threatening to tear down Bushwood to build condos.

Hillary looked every bit the twisted shrew matron who pretends to maintain a strict golf-club ladies social propriety while overlooking her husband fornicating outside the clubhouse picture window with the 8th hole’s ball washer. It took all of her considerable denial to twitter and laugh at Trump’s Al Czervik, threatening to tear down Bushwood to build condos.

Normally, the Czar writes up a debate review for all of those readers who were not watching it; however, from what we understand, you probably did watch it. And why not? Putting Trump against Clinton in an unscripted, unrehearsed context is a bit like NASCAR putting a Figure 8 track out there: you know things will collide, but when? And how hard?

So you saw it. If you’re with the MSM—and other democrats—you’re positively jubilant that Hillary didn’t suddenly yell out lines from The Wizard of Oz before tumbling off the stage. They’re all calling it a total victory for Hillary Clinton because she didn’t totally collapse on live TV. Whatever. So much for low expectations.

Trump fans got what they wanted—92 minutes of their hero acting like a toddler with ADD after drinking a quart of Mountain Dew. The only saving grace for them is most viewers turned off the debate while he was still largely coherent, missing his puffin-like display of frat boy machismo against her strident, harpy-like fake cackles that caused Lester Holt to bite his knuckles and slowly shake his head.

So who won? Actually, it was a tie—because neither candidate pulled in any undecided voters, of whom there could be plenty this time. Trump voters are staying with Trump; Clinton voters are staying with her. Anyone who can’t decide between the two probably elected to join the millions not voting this year.

Really, would you want to vote for a guy who relates to the common working guy based on how much property he owns in someone’s hometown? He came off like a Hamptons home owner after three martinis when he forgets the person he’s talking to is paid to sweep sand off the dock. There’s no connection with Trump, and he merely confirmed the recent poll that most of his support is predicated on his not being a Clinton.

Likewise, Clinton indicated to voters that the last 8 years have been fantastic, if you lived off the Clinton Foundation. As she talked about superior job growth, fantastic investment opportunities, and how blacks and Hispanics don’t live below the national average, the Czar pictured millions of Americans looking around them and wondering where she actually sees all this. She was completely disconnected from anything in the Northeast, Washington, or the West Coast. As far as flyover country goes, she soared right over their heads.

So who lost? America—they got to see that the entire debate was nothing more than what they’ve been seeing all along: two total morons locked in a death spiral, dragging us down with them. From the fake smiles to the eye rolls, the debate was a total waste of time. Yes, there were some enjoyable clashes, but the laughter quickly stops when you realize the joke is on you.

Some Traditions Are Bad. Really Bad.

Also, what’s the point of this? Doesn’t this strike you as, well, kinda stupid?

As one gets older, one tends to skew to a cranky disposition. The Czar was born in the mid-1200s, making him quite old and quite cranky. But that never means he’s wrong, and we do have a bit of a rant today.

In Muscovy, we are experiencing this year’s homecoming, in which our cherished high school will almost certainly add to its losing record by humiliating itself like an Irishman at his new employer’s holiday party open bar. This involves all the rich traditions associated with homecoming: a parade, a performance by the rather good marching band, an old-fashioned dance (skirts for ladies, ties for gentlemen), and lots of parking-lot grilling.

Alas, it also means another so-called tradition: festooning homes with toilet paper.

Let the Czar make this clear: not all traditions are good. Like throwing eggs at homes on Halloween, birthday spankings, or lynching newly freed Republican voters in the South, some traditions need to be ended now. You can guess that this is one of them.

“Oh, Czar,” you say, before our axe swings horizontally at your neck, “TPing homes is a harmless thing. It’s all in good fun.”

Look, at its simplest level, this is vandalism. Decorating a shrub or bush or two is one thing, but some homes are positively draped, requiring ladders, tools, and a lot of effort to clean up. It isn’t fun. It’s as much work as repairing a broken window or replacing a burned section of siding.

Additionally, it hurts the homeowner. The Czar’s neighbor got hit last night; she’s a single mom with a cheerleading daughter, hence her victimization. The mom had to stay home this morning to clean up; she was furious, as she was late to work at a job that doesn’t tolerate it and they’re docking her pay. This hurt her financially simply because of this harmless thing. The Czar spotted another neighbor whose home was hit even worse. He just stood there, staring at it, not knowing where to begin—the guy was also not going to be at work on time. For many people, being late means missing a critical meeting, losing a sale, or blowing a presentation.

And make no mistake—not only could the kids be arrested for trespassing and vandalism, there’s a good chance that—in a couple years’ time—some adolescent toilet paper hurler is going to catch a bullet in the brain. Picture some senior citizen napping in his chair at 2AM; he wakes up to hear a bunch of people running across his lawn, and in a panic, grabs his firearm thinking he’s facing a home invasion.

What irks the Czar isn’t that teenagers are stupid-ass morons; this has always been true. What irks the Czar is that a bunch of kids don’t sneak out of the house between 1 and 2AM and take off in a car without being caught—unless of course, they have the support of parents.

Think that over: do you really think a dozen kids would be able to stay up late and exit the house in a car without somebody screwing it up and getting caught by a light-sleeping parent, sibling, or dog? That’s why the Czar is furious about this: there are a few parents apparently okay with this. “Well, I did it when I was a kid,” they say to their conscience, hoping this meaningless sophistry changes the situation from the truth: “I’m okay with my kids being out after curfew, trespassing on private property, and vandalizing totally innocent homeowners without any concern for how this will affect them in the morning.”

The Czar can hear your thoughts, that he’s making a big deal over nothing. It’s not nothing. Ask the single mom who lives next door. It’s a dumb tradition, and like tying firecrackers to dogs’ tails, it’s a relic of a stupid era that needs to disappear.

It’s Not Lupus or Sometimes Hoofbeats are from Zebras

Dr. J.'s back!

Dr. J.’s back!

Dr. J. would like to apologize for his prolonged absence (except to Fred who probably welcomed Dr. J.’s prolonged absence). The Lil Resident fell ill about two years ago (the first of two major illnesses in two years), right at the same time that his work responsibilities changed and increased.  Fortunately the first illness is resolved and the second one, a curse from Mrs. Dr. J.’s side of the family, is now well controlled, and hopefully will remain so for the remainder of the Lil Resident’s many, many years ahead of her.

Were you expecting Wendell Wilkie?

Were you expecting Wendell Wilkie?

Dr. J. feels that it’s time for him to reemerge from the shadows and provide commentary regarding Mrs. Clinton’s illness(es). By way of wiggle room, Dr. J. is theorizing what is going on with Mrs. Clinton based on his medical expertise as one trained in internal medicine and cardiovascular diseases. Dr. J. has a lot of experience managing patients with diseases at the interface of cardiology and neurology (e.g. fainting), so his speculation is borne out of experience rather than WebMD. Dr. J. does not have access to her medical records so he is basing his speculation on observation from the public record. Please bear with him.

This is what we know:

Mrs. Clinton has fallen a lot, since 2005, 11 years ago. She fainted while giving a speech in NY after suffering from a GI bug the day or two before the speech. She required IV fluids. In June 2009 it was reportedly due to slipping. She broke her elbow with that fall. After a bout of gastroenteritis (this is important later) in 2012, she fell and  hit her head, suffering a concussion (traumatic brain injury) so bad that, allegedly, it affected her memory and reportedly required special glasses (sunglasses, prism glasses). She used her head injury from 2012 to excuse her memory of events at the time when being questioned by the FBI. It also resulted in a blood clot in a vein that drains the brain of blood (the right transverse sinus, which ultimately drains to the jugular vein). Dehydration and trauma can cause a venous sinus thrombosis, which in turn can cause headaches, visual changes and seizures. This is an incomplete list of her falls and there are, in addition, photos of her being supported or assisted in the public record.

Mrs. Clinton has a coughing problem as well. Matt Drudge, for what it’s worth, has been cataloging her coughing spells for quite some time. This is important because her coughing spells are more frequent and longer lasting than the typical individual. Her cough has been attributed to severe allergies by her PCP.

Dr. J. brings up dehydration because dehydration due to pneumonia is the explanation for Sunday, September 11th’s spell. The September 11th spell is a pretty scary one because she could not even hold her neck up and collapsed as she was assisted into the vehicle. Dehydration is another buzzword associated with Hillary’s health. Bill brought up that she gets dehydrated a lot, occasionally, rarely when he was interviewed by Charlie Rose.

She also dresses inappropriately for the weather, which is especially unusual for someone who ‘rarely’ gets dehydration. Heavy clothing leads to increased insensible losses of fluid. The Gateway Pundit has pictures of her in a heavy coat in August in Nantucket giving a speech.

Lastly, we have the letter from her PCP. The letter is all well and good. She has pneumonia. She had previous sinus infection requiring an ear tube, and a CT with no brain abnormalities. She has a calcium score of zero in her coronaries, which is great, but surprising for anyone of her age. Fortunately we’re not worried about her heart and never were so it’s not germane.

It does describe the events of 9/11/16. She was overheated, dry, and felt dizzy. She returned home (to Chelsea’s) and rehydrated, and recovered nicely. She did make an appearance quick after her rehydration (unless it was her body double). Dr. J. doesn’t think it was a body double, however.

The letter has some oddities. For her thyroid, she takes Armour Thyroid (ground up critter thyroid extracted hormone) rather than Synthroid (pure T4). NO ONE USES ARMOUR THYROID! There’s nothing bad about it, it’s just weird.

Then she also takes B12 as needed. There is no ‘as needed use’ for B12. B12 is used to treat people with neuropathies and B12 deficiency anemia. She’s not known to be anemic (although that could help explain her spells).

There is also some loosey goosey wording in Dr Bardack’s letter. She says, “Mrs. Clinton’s medicines include…” not “Mrs. Clinton’s medicines are…” ‘Include’ could be her just writing all fancy-like, but it could be worded so as to leave out things. Also she says Hillary Clinton ‘has not developed new medical conditions this year…’

So that’s Hillary’s medical history per the public record in a nutshell, so what does Dr. J. think is going on? Dr. J. thinks that the truth is out there, but the whole story isn’t being revealed. There are a lot of questions about Parkinsons and seizures. She may have an undisclosed seizure disorder from her fall, but she has no reported abnormalities on her Sinus CT. CT’s are not the best for small subtle brain findings, but nevertheless, Dr. J. is willing to take things at face value.

Dr. J. thinks that Hillary Clinton is sensitive to losses of volume. He thinks that she has orthostatic hypotension (BP drops while she is standing) and as a result feels faint or needs support on occasion.

On 9/11/16, she was outside, it was warm, but not hot, she was standing for a while, and she did, frankly, have pneumonia which made her more dehydrated than usual. She became orthostatic and she fainted. Even the scary video can be explained by fainting, wobbly head and all.

So why is she so sensitive to volume loss? That’s the big question. She’s had problems with falls going back to 2005, so Dr. J. thinks that this is a chronic issue.

One major diagnosis that could be possible is diabetes insipidius, where your body, for a few different reasons (not enough vasopressin made by your hypothalamus, or your kidneys don’t respond to vasopressin), can’t hang on to water, you make a lot of dilute urine, and are thus dry.

The other major way you are sensitive to dehydration is that you can’t vasoconstrict your blood vessels. There are a legion of diseases that cause orthostatic hypotension via impaired vasoconstriction. The first is medications (BP meds, Parkinsons meds) but she doesn’t reportedly take those. The other causes are clustered together as autonomic failure. Autonomic failure comes in two categories, primary and secondary. Secondary means caused by something else. Diabetes mellitus, amyloidosis, multiple myeloma, Parkinsons, or other causes of small fiber neuropathy can cause it. Dr. J. doesn’t have reason to think she has a secondary cause.

This leads us to primary autonomic failure. The major causes are Pure Autonomic Failure, Multisystem Atrophy, and Dr. J. lumps Lewy Body Dementia with these.

Of the possibilities Dr. J. suspects that if she has one of these that Pure Autonomic Failure is the leading candidate. It results in orthostatic hypotension, is slow in progression, and pretty much only the autonomic nervous system that is affected. Largely it is the blood vessels, but sometimes nerves to the GI and GU tract are affected.

The treatment include an abdominal binder worn when standing for long periods of time to prevent BP from dropping when standing, which would explain Mao Jackets on Nantucket Island in August. Also short acting medications like midodrine and droxidopa to cause temporary vasoconstriction (4-5 hours per dose), salt and liberal hydration are also critical.

Sleeveless dresses are de rigueur on Nantucket Island.

Sleeveless dresses are de rigueur on Nantucket Island.

It would explain the B12 to treat a (small fiber) neuropathy. ‘As needed B12’ might really mean everyday, it wasn’t specific in Mrs. Clinton’s Doctor’s letter.  It would explain why we don’t really see a chronic tremor, nor an expressionless face, and why she’s been falling for 11 years without progressive neurologic degeneration could not be hidden in public life. MSA has a life expectancy of about 5 years from diagnosis, and Parkinson’s plus Autonomic Failure would have similar timeline.

Also Pure Autonomic Failure doesn’t affect cognitive function, other than when you feel like you will pass out and Mrs. Clinton does have her wits about her by and large, which is also why Dr. J. does not suspect Lewy Body Dementia.

Given her constellation of symptoms, if she has something like Pure Autonomic Failure, she should come clean. That malady is not incompatible with public service. Indeed, FDR ran this country from a wheelchair, so there’s no reason Hillary can’t run the country mostly seated.

If she has something more ominous, however, such as MSA, or Lewy Body Dementia, those diagnoses are incompatible with public service.

Six Words: Don't you think she looks tired?

Six Words: Don’t you think she looks tired?

That all being said, she did look worn out when she was asked to comment on the Chelsea Bombing. She didn’t have a lot to say about an event without a lot of facts released. Also of note, she spent 12 days in August without appearing publicly.

Regardless of what’s going on, Dr. J. wishes no ill upon Mrs. Clinton, and he hopes she is getting the best care possible while on the campaign trail.

Long Time No Seethe

You never know who will come walking into the lobby bar at the Castle Gormogon.

Hello! I wonder if you all remember me at your site, but I used to write you back when men were men and TVs were low definition. I still sporadically read your wonderful blog and I was wondering if you all have had enough posts about Catholics and who to vote for come November. Which is just realized the other day is a distressingly close date.

Also, I’m glad that you all mentioned Hillary looking so sickly and such because I wonder if she’ll last until Inauguration day. I fear that she’ll be elected.

Of course, I’ve had similar thoughts about Pope Francis and his health. I had assurances from a friend that he wouldn’t last the summer and he’s still going (somewhat) strong. I don’t know if it’s commonly known, but he really can’t do much physically or he gets tired extremely quickly.

Welp! Big Gulps, huh? See ya.

Operative JS

Glad you’re back from that crazy assignment one of us put you on. And glad to see you’re still keeping track of our written missives, which are very important.

Our own good Dr. J., whom we barely remember, has taken considerable note of Mrs. Clinton’s health, and has made some rather alarming observations as to what it could be, and it isn’t pretty. If we all ask really nice, perhaps he’ll write something up and post it here.

Regarding the Pope, well, let the Czar simply say that perhaps he could be directing his attention more to spiritual matters and less to global economics which do not seem to be the Pope’s college major.

‘Puter’s Field Guide to Trump Supporters

‘Puter decided he’d give media types a hand in identifying the various subspecies of Trump supporters. Media clearly need ‘Puter’s assistance, because their recent attempts at defining Trump supporters waver between uniformed hilarity and vicious condescension.

‘Puter breaks Trump supporters down into four groups, with some subgroups. You may think ‘Puter’s conflated groups that should be separate, separated groups that ought be conflated, or missed groups altogether. ‘Puter doesn’t really give a fig what you think. After all, this is *’Puter’s* Field Guide to Trump Supporters. If you want something different, write up your own.

To be clear, many Trump supporters are good, honest, decent people who truly believe Trump not only means to, but can, make America great again. But too many Trump supporters are suppurating, pestilential sores on the body politic who deserve our scorn and derision. ‘Puter has done his best to make clear which groups are which herein.

  1. Genuine Supporters

A large percentage of Trump’s support comes from people who truly believe in him and his message, as difficult as ‘Puter finds that to believe. There are several subgroups within the Genuine Supporters.

‘Puter identifies these subgroups as (1) Down on Their Luckers, (2) Racist Jerks, and (3) Burn It All Downers. Each subgroup believes in Trump, but for very different reasons.

Racist Jerks are, as the name implies, both racist and jerks. While media insists Racist Jerks and the Alt-Right are one and the same, they are not. To be fair, there is significant overlap between the groups, but casting every member of the Alt-Right as racist is about as fair as insisting every Clinton voter is a godless lying Commie, even though many are. Racist Jerks think Trump is their man because he will bring to fruition their insane dream of an America run exclusively by white people for the benefit of white people, minorities be damned. ‘Puter believes Racist Jerks are deluded for any number of reasons, but mostly because Trump for all his flaws hasn’t been screaming like a drunk asshat from South Boston* at Fenway about THE DAHHHHKIES!! and the harm they do to whites. Racist Jerks support zeroing out legal immigration and hunting down anyone with skin darker than theirs as suspected illegal immigrants because, well, because they’re Racist Jerks. David Duke, Neo-Nazis, nativists, and your various and sundry other white power groups fall under this subgroup.

Down On Their Luckers are who most people think of when they think of Trump supporters. Middle aged to elderly white folks who yearn for an America that either never was, or is a hazy memory of only the good parts of the Reagan era. Among these people are many who are unemployed or underemployed as a result of the 2008 Crash, the epic failure of Obama’s Giant Technicolor Stimulus, and eight years of economic punishment and uncertainty brought about by Obama’s overweening, pointy-headed bureaucrats. Down On Their Luckers believe against all evidence that if only we try hard enough, we can recreate a world where Americans were paid well for unskilled manual labor because every other nation’s industrial capacity was destroyed in World War II. It’s a nice dream, but high paying unionized manufacturing jobs are gone, and they’re not coming back. In this subgroup, you find out of work coal miners, nostalgic retirees, and many concerned about liberal values being forced on us by government.

Burn It All Downers are those who want Trump to win because they figure he’s the candidate most likely to cause a collapse of the current corrupt order, forcing a rethinking of America’s entire structure. To ‘Puter, this is the most logical and sound reason to consider voting for Trump. Trump *is* the most likely to immanentize the eschaton, in the same way that getting the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper together freed Zuul from his captivity and brought our destructor, the 50 foot Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man. Large chunks of the non-racist Alt-Right along with certain despairing conservatives make their home in this group.

  1. Opportunists

The Opportunists group is comprised of “conservative” media types, such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, pretty much the entire FoxNews apparatus, and a jillion of their clones on the local level and to a lesser extent, on the internet.

Opportunists are for the most part execrable people. Opportunists do not support Trump because they honestly believe Trump will Make America Great Again, but because supporting Trump in the short term will Make Their Ratings Great Again. If America were occupied, the people in this group would be the collaborators.

Opportunists actively mislead people about Trump. Opportunists explain away every Trump gaffe and howler with a cacophony of “Trump didn’t mean it!” and “That’s just what the Democrats would have you believe!” Opportunists have mislead a large chunk of the Trump electorate including but not limited to the Down On Their Luckers into believing Trump is (1) conservative, (2) consistent, (3) qualified, and (4) acceptable.

Opportunists have sold their souls and their country to advance their own hopes for greater wealth, power, and/or influence. Opportunists should be shamed at every opportunity before and after the election. Conservatives should remember Opportunists’ betrayal and work against them at every opportunity.

  1. Johnnies Come Unwillingly

‘Puter made up a name for this group, and he doesn’t care if it’s ungrammatical or not. Get used to it. ‘Puter’s not changing it, and it describes this group perfectly. Members of this group don’t really like Trump much, if at all. These people came to support Trump after the primaries, and only grudgingly. Johnnies Come Unwillingly are absolutely disgusted with Trump, but are certain a Clinton presidency would be worse – far worse – than electing a liberal, incompetent Trump.

‘Puter breaks the Johnnies Come Unwillingly into two subgroups, the Nose Holders and the Former Never Trumpers.

Nose Holders are people who don’t fit into any other category, and are only voting for Trump because (with good reason) they cannot stomach Hillary Clinton in the White House. Nose Holders’ support of Trump is weak. Think of Nose Holders as less pro-Trump, more anti-Hillary. These folks are not bad people, and so long as they’re not mocking your refusal to vote for Trump should be afforded respect.

‘Puter thought long and hard about where to place the Former Never Trumpers, in this group or in the Opportunists. ‘Puter decided a majority – but not much more than a bare majority – of the Former Never Trumpers came to support Trump in good faith.** There are some good, solid conservatives in this group, so ‘Puter decided to cut the entire group some slack.

Former Never Trumpers are like Nose Holders on meth. Former Never Trumpers hate Trump (and many of Trump’s enablers and voters) for screwing up what should have been an easily won election against Meemaw Emphysema and Her Merry Band of White Collar Criminals.*** Former Never Trumpers over time grudgingly determined to support Trump over Clinton because Clinton would (allegedly) destroy the country they love. ‘Puter sympathizes with this group, but cannot and will not betray his conservative principles to support a man who is no meaningful way conservative.

  1. Trump Fluffers

Trump Fluffers**** are those miserable, damned (and damnable) individuals who made it their life’s mission to support a candidate they know to be dangerous and unelectable out of a toxic combination of malice and greed. Most of these people are Trump Fluffers for no reason other than self-aggrandizement and self-enrichment. There is a special place in Hell for this group of people. Trump Fluffers sold their souls, and threw ours in as part of their unholy bargain.

‘Puter knows Trump Fluffers could be considered part of the Opportunists group, but their behavior is so over-the-top, so hateful, ‘Puter felt these special hothouse flowers deserved their own category, so the opprobrium can be better targeted when the time for payback comes. And it will come.

The original Trump Fluffer is Ann Coulter, who hitched her skinny-assed wagon to Trump’s Cheeto Clydesdale early on. Coulter’s sole mission in life is to so firmly attach her lips to Trump’s saggy, cellulite-riddled buttocks that Trump will have no choice but to drag the lamprey-like Coulter to the White House along with him on the off chance he wins. Coulter spent much of this year spewing venom and hatred at anyone who dared question the divine right of Cheeto Jesus.

Chris Christie became a Trump Fluffer, and immediately realized his grave error. One cannot look upon Christie’s stunned face at the presser where Trump made Christie his bitch in front of a national audience without seeing regret and horror writ large.

Sean Hannity gets special treatment, as ‘Puter includes him in two categories. Hannity started as an opportunist, but toward the end of primary season, Hannity went full on Trump Fluffer, rivaling Coulter for leech-like attachment to Cap’n Tinyhands’ shriveled, orange wang. Once Hannity drank the Trump Kool-Aid (orange, natch), Sean Hannity’s FoxNews show became dedicated to explaining to America how dreamy Hannity found Trump, and why America should, too. Hannity went from being horrible for supporting Trump to enrich himself to being horrible for supporting Trump because he believes Trump is the Cheetos-colored messiah. ‘Puter never liked Hannity, but Hannity’s childish, unapologetic support of a horrible candidate and human should ruin his career and make him a pariah in conservative circles.

At the lower end of the Trump Fluffer spectrum is Trump’s internet army of shock troops. Trump’s trolls aren’t important enough to attach themselves to Trump’s ass, but by God, they’re going to do everything they can to try to get there!

These lovely people range from anonymous social media trolls who pile on anyone who dares question Trump’s qualifications to formerly sane and formerly conservative bloggers such as Ace of Spades and Gateway Pundit. ‘Puter’s supposition is that what changed Ace of Spades and Gateway Pundit’s minds on Trump wasn’t some grand revelation that Trump was exactly what America needs, but rather a nice, fat check or two from the Trump campaign or its surrogates in return for endless pro-Trump hackery.*****

Trump Fluffers can die in a fire and then spend eternity continuing their endless immolation-without-consumption in Hell.

And with that lovely image, ‘Puter’s done here. He’s spent enough time, energy, and vitriol on people supporting a false god. There’s no reasoning with those with a dogmatic certainty in the righteousness of their cause and candidate.

It’s almost as if Trump supporters have become the liberals who made a religion out of government (with politicians as self-anointed high priests) Trump supporters claim to hate.

Nah. Couldn’t be.

* Similar to Ace (of Ace of Spades fame (just ask him, he’ll tell you how famous he is)), Trump apologist extraordinaire, who spends his days concern trolling successful conservative pundits like Charles C.W. Cooke in a preachy, obnoxious fashion (though without the casual racism, as far as ‘Puter can tell) and blocking people who call him on his psychotic, destructive behavior and absurd illogic.

** N.B. Many Former Never Trumpers actually are either Opportunists or Trump Fluffers. Do not trust a Former Never Trumper until you have fully evaluated their bona fides for yourself.

*** Bonus reasons Former Never Trumpers hate Trump: he started an intra-party war; his antics allow media to paint all Republicans as racist; he is a bleeding heart liberal; he has fascist tendencies; he doesn’t understand the Constitution or limited government; he believes in an imperial presidency; he’s an alleged fraudster; he’s dangerously ill-informed on policy issues; he’s small, petty, and mean; and he’s actually not a good businessman.

**** For those not intimately familiar with the pr0n industry’s inner workings, a fluffer is a person whose job it is to keep the male “stars” aroused during down times in shooting, usually by performing oral sex on the “star” in question.

***** ‘Puter has no evidence to support this supposition. That said, it’s one of the few explanations that makes sense of Ace and Gateway’s quick turn to the dark side. And, if ‘Puter’s supposition is correct, their behavior as undisclosed paid shills for Trump on a mission to turn conservatives from within deserves scorn, mockery, and permanent shunning.

Everything Sucks, A ‘Puter Rant

How the ever-lovin’ f*ck did we get here?

Like a fiery wang full of hydrogen slamming into New Jersey, 'Puter watches America's future tragically self-immolate.

Like a fiery wang full of hydrogen slamming into New Jersey, ‘Puter watches America’s future tragically self-immolate.

There are around 340 million or so Americans, probably 150 million or so of whom could plausibly be president, and moron voters in both parties (and the moron parties themselves) decide to give us this sh*tshow?

Trump is an awful candidate, and likely an awful human being. He has surrounded himself with the worst people that politics on the Right has to offer. A not insignificant portion of his support are people who are racist as f*ck. A not insignificant portion of his campaign appears to be racist as f*ck.

News flash: Cheeto Jesus is not the messiah he promises you he is. Trump will sell you out the first chance he gets.

Hillary is even worse. She is a vile, inveterate liar who will say and do anything to gain power. Worse, Hillary only wants power in order to enrich herself and her cronies. Don’t believe ‘Puter? Look at the Clinton Foundation and its bastard stepchild, the Clinton Global Initiative.

Democrats bitch and moan incessantly about the evils of “money in politics.” Horse crap. If Democrats honestly gave a flying f*ck about money in politics, they’d be on the Clintons like Bill on an intern for the House That Corrupt Cronyism Built.

This weekend we learned Hillary’s got pneumonia after she collapsed (yes, collapsed) at a 9/11 memorial in New York City. Despite Hillary hacking away for weeks like a Stage IV lung cancer patient with asbestosis and emphysema sucking down pack after pack after wheeling her oxygen tank out into the hospital alley, the media got mad at Twitter for suggesting maybe they ought to, you know, do their f*cking jobs.
Media repeatedly reassured us Clinton was just fine because STFU, you conspiracy theory loving retards, her campaign says so, and there’s no need for us to check a story that’s patently false.

And what do we hear today from the media, fresh off their pantsing by the Clinton campaign? Sure, Hillary’s got pneumonia, but she’s totes way more energetic than you, d*ck cheese! If the media were any more in the tank for Hillary, they’d be wedged up her ass like her sweaty pantsuit at a Goldman Sachs fundraiser on a Hamptons beach.

Damn, ‘Puter’s fired up today. Anyhoo, here’s a few takeaways.

  • Meemaw Emphysema is the lyingest liar that ever lied a lie.
  • Media is complicit in Hillary’s lies, covering for her at great expense America, not to mention their own deservedly crappy reputations.
  • Cheeto Jesus is a clown, though his frustration of the media has been a joy to watch.
  • ‘Puter’s conspiracy theory (Clinton gets the hook, Biden comes in, makes Sen. Sitting Bull his veep, retires after a few years setting Pocahontas up to run as the incumbent) is looking better and better every day.

‘Puter’s in a mood and has other things to do. Maybe he’ll write more later. Maybe not. Hard to know, as ‘Puter has many moods, most of them bad.

In closing, all y’all can suck it.

All Politics Are Local. Some More Local Than Others.

The Цесаревич appears to be entering the world of politics, with his declaration yesterday that he intends to run for Student Council President of Muscovy Junior High School. The decision was not reached easily, but was made quickly.

Last year, a seventh-grader ran for the position and was elected (despite the stipulated preference that the position be reserved for eighth graders) because no one ran against her. With no opposition, she won unanimously and subjected the generally conservative junior high to social justice hell. For example, the kids were forced to hold a Day of Silence for GLBTQ awareness in which they would be publicly shamed for speaking in school the entire day unless specifically addressed by an adult. “As if they don’t get enough attention,” the Цесаревич remarked about gay students. “It was awful.”

The social awareness presidency was so overplayed that this year, dozens of students announced they were running against her, ostensibly to ensure that the student in question (who has announced her re-election bid) is denied a second term.

The Цесаревич wasn’t interested in running, just in joining the growing chorus of students opposed to her potential second term. However, two of the new candidates (both eighth-grade boys) have made no secret that they are running gag campaigns, one specifically spoofing Donald Trump’s platform and the other making outlandish promises to the student body just to get laughs. And this is when the Цесаревич became angry.

Thanks to the 2016 elections, in which candidates of the Democratic, Republican, Green, and Libertarian parties are running as skit-show caricatures of actual candidates, today’s students think that leadership has become a joke, the Цесаревич explained to us. Today’s kids (and tomorrow’s voters) believe the whole point of a political campaign is to be silly and get laughs. While the Czar feels student council elections has always sustained jesters and jokers, he feels quite sympathetic to the Цесаревич’s indignation.

He didn’t want to run, and he didn’t believe for a moment he could win. But with three useless competitors, he felt he should at least make a stand for actual leadership. The Czar suggested he start a whisper campaign the next morning to gauge what other students felt about his idea. The Цесаревич agreed, and yesterday he reported to us that the response was overwhelmingly supportive. Only three students (all of whom are good friends of his, incidentally) suggested he shouldn’t do it. Based on the enthusiasm of the other students, he filled out the paperwork and declared his intention to run. Already, the Цесаревич has appointed the Царевич as a campaign assistant, and the latter, in his usual Boss-Tweed-like fashion, has assured him that 75% of the sixth grade will vote for him. And they are good friends with the most popular 7th grader in the school (by far), and are recruiting him to join the team to lock up that vote as well. Time will tell, and he needs to determine what the actual roles and responsibilities are for the position and base a simple campaign platform on that. And some of the competition will be very good.

But the Czar has been thinking deeply about his indignation. When the media shows Donald Trump making patently outlandish statements on the news, or shows Hillary Clinton dabbing on a variety show, or Gary Johnson making flip comments about his own ignorance of current events, what are teenagers supposed to think? There’s no counter-example: you never see Donald Trump lauded for a salient speech on foreign policy, or Hillary Clinton taking part in a substantive discussion on the economy, or Johnson or Stein raising points about third-party viability. Not in media monitored by teenagers, anyway.

To them, thanks to the pop celebrity of Barack Obama, the whole point of politics is pure entertainment. Act silly, look clever, and have a few after-school specials about terrorism. The Czar knows what you’re thinking, as he usually does—but Czar, baby kissing and cowboy hats and turkey wrestling are a long part of the entertainment value of presidents dating back to John Adams shooting peas out his nostrils at reporters.*

Some of this is true,** but these pictures have always been balanced by the more serious behavior. Kids today don’t see the counterbalancing, they only see the entertainment.

Of course, the Czar doesn’t hold President Obama as solely responsible for this: Bill Clinton’s sax playing started off the modern trend in 1992, and frankly the news media is responsible for almost all of this functional inability to un-entertain themselves away from Obama. In their desperate attempts to humanize the almost completely inhuman politicians we have today, the media continues to promote our candidates into cartoonish pop culture icons instead of portraying them as deeply screwed up under-intelligent buffoons, which would allow voters to choose vastly more qualified individuals.

It’s a deep sob for our country’s future, but the painful embarrassment of 2016 may indeed by a harbinger of worse things to come in 2020. And 2024. At least, based on what teenagers think.

*The Czar remembers this, but you might not have been there.
** The John Adams thing is probably something we just made up, the more we think about it.

Ghostly Messages

One of the best parts of our day are the crank letters. Because of the nature of this site and the high intelligence level of our readership, we get some superb cranks stopping by. Ghost, for example, has been an operative with us longer than anyone can remember, and he swung by the Castle to leave a few thoughts burning in our mailbox.

Dread Czar,

It has been a quiet and busy three years since my last missive, and I am not pleased with the state of things in the home country.

I apologize for the long silence, but running a small business growing into a small-to-medium business is quite difficult. As you requested, I successfully infiltrated the ranks of management, and have gained some perspective which was most likely your intent.

The more time I spend with Millennial generation, the less I like them. I have noticed, that they have the tendency to half-ass most things, which chaps my ectoplasm something fierce. Additionally, a number of my more youthful employees while having an exuberance useful in our industry, are quite possibly the least responsible people I have ever met. Even hosting financial advisers at the cost of our company to help them, they still end up investing their paychecks in illicit substances (in my state anyway) and spend more to keep up appearances than they can afford, leading to frequent requests for advance paychecks when they haven’t even worked off the last one.

A benefit of being a Gormogon is you get to hang out with dead people, like John Lee Hooker. He’s awesome if you can keep him mildly buzzed. If you let him drink too much, you’ll wind up with a knife or broken bottle stuffed in your throat. He’s still funny like that. And click on his name, here. You’re welcome.

The Czar is indeed quite interested in the mass psychology of generations. Yes, there is absolutely no science behind it, but yet, there it is: every generation seems to have a cultural mindset unique to itself that’s so compact it can be isolated and identified.

Being impossibly old, we have seen a number of generations come and go. Quite so, the Czar remembers when Gen Xers entered the work force. Talk about a pain—the Gen Xers hated doing pointless stuff, even though we all know work is filled with pointless stuff. Over time, however, the Gen Xers figured that out and stopped with the eye rolls and the glaring slow burns, and got to work and got pretty good at it. The Millennials, however, haven’t quite made that change yet but are getting pretty close. Yes, they show up late and leave early—but send one of them a text at 11:04 at night and you get a response a minute later. They don’t work 9 to 5, it’s true: they assume they’re always on the clock. If you plan accordingly, you can get a lot of productivity from them because they never turn off their damn technology.

Yes, they dress funny, and spend an entire paycheck on clothes that would have cost a tenth as much had they purchased them from the Sears catalog in 1981. But in the late 80s and 90s, the Czar remembers that Gen Xers were blowing their paychecks on futons and CDs. It’s something you go through.

The Boomers are the worst. What a bunch of whiny babies. The sub-generations in between them tend to be your most reliable employees, students, and voters.

I am severely displeased with the political landscape as well. The parties seem to have put forward all of their faux candidates and just now realized we will get stuck with the most inadequate people you could have named for the job. Not to disparage successful individuals, but being successful at things like murder, and alienating literally half the population does not mean you should be leader of the not-currently-so-free world.

In the words of my brother, Armed Services Ghost 2 (the better one), Hillary should be in prison, and I am afraid of Trump.

However, the more I watch and listen, the more I see who is pushing what agenda, and one that has been ranted about by your cohorts. The media controlling their narrative, are pushing this endless cycle of garbage at people. I hate the terminology of “Big <insert noun here>” but I am inclined to blame them for this endless shitshow. It’s enough to turn a ghost’s hair grey, and has.

Apologies for my language, Dread Czar, I will schedule an appointment for flogging, so do not trifle yourself.

I find that I am having to listen to NPR to even get an opposite view point to news sites or Hades forbid, social media, and even then they are all just one contentious lot.

There is an old adage that I find appropriate, and applicable. The one who wants the job the most, should under no circumstances get it.

The Czar pays attention to the media because he loathes them. Lately, he’s been fascinated with how network news is obsessed with the weather in flyover country. They have tornados and floods and heat waves like every day, man. Why would anyone want to live there? And not New York or Los Angeles?

Agreed. There was an Illinois businessman, Jim Oberweis, who ran for every Republican position available, every election. One year, he was running for Senate. Defeated in the primary, he announced he would run for a Representative position…until he was defeated in that primary. No matter—he’d run for something else. He was very much an example of a person who wanted the job so much that he should be denied the position. Illinois voters invariably concur with this sentiment.

As you note, there’s no shortage of outrage here at the Castle regarding the utterly incompetent leadership of the Republican party, who went from dozens of Coolidge-esque conservatives and Reaganish moderates, who would easily have made America a 21st Century powerhouse, into a pathetic frat mixer, and will now allow the worst candidate the Democrats found since Dukakis to walk into the White House. You might survive one disaster, safety experts remind us, but not two in a row.

On another subject, in spite of everyone flouting Obamacare as financially ruinous to small businesses, I am pleased to report the opposite has occurred within my direct overview. Far more ruinous is the concept of Universal Basic Income, which Finland is currently considering an experiment with if you recall.

I see one huge flaw within this system, being that governments are supported by their people, and once the government has to support everyone, there is no sustainable way to keep it that I can forsee.

The Czar is on record for predicting that UBI will never happen here because it would eliminate thousands of government jobs. Worry not: be more concerned with any further dickering with the minimum wage, which will be popular until the horror kicks in weeks later.

You may be pleased to note that I am currently utilizing my Second Amendment right to bear arms with my CCW permit, and damn the people who want to take that away from me.

—Ghost

Definitely some congratulations are warranted. Some of us Gormogons are concealed carriers but like we do to the bad guys, we’ll make you guess which ones. Fortunately, despite the media’s tidal wave of persistent anti-gun messaging, there’s little doubt that Americans overwhelmingly support firearm ownership, and a quickly growing percentage supports not just CCW but even open carry. Crime is down as a result. Heck, the Czar knows some pretty anti-gun people who revealed to him last Sunday that, well, maybe concealed carry is working better than anyone expected.

Good on ya.

Juicy, White Breasts (and How to Conquer Them)

The Czar had a break in the weather to get some grilling in this weekend, and elected to do chicken. Grilled chicken, it may surprise some readers, gives a lot of folks fits and starts; indeed, the Czar is often told by some fairly experienced outdoor cooks that they just don’t do chicken.

It’s not that hard to do, really; and the biggest problem people usually have with chicken—like fish—is overdoing it. Even though people are rightly terrified of under-cooked chicken, there’s no reason to turn it into dry, flavorless cardboard, either. In fact, chicken can be done pretty easily to perfection.

Today, the Czar will explain what he did this weekend in the hopes that it helps you overcome whatever fear you have. Actually, the real recipe here isn’t the sauce but the technique, although the marinade is pretty darn easy and flavorful as well.

Honey Mustard
1/2 cup of extra virgin blood olive oil
4 tbs Apple cider vinegar
2 tbs Honey
2 tbs Dijon mustard
2 tsp Sea salt

Mix all that together in a glass bowl and whisk it until the honey dissolves into the oil. You’ll know when it’s ready because it looks like a single liquid instead of an oily mess in the bowl.

Place some boneless chicken breasts into a locking seal bag, and pour all of this goo into the bag. Seal lock it, and then roll the bag around in your hands a few times until everything gets coated. Place the bag in the refrigerator and then go wash your hands. The Czar washes his hands a lot when handling chicken.

After at least a few hours (or even as much as overnight—you really can’t over-marinade anything), and a couple of bag flips later to re-coat everything, you’re ready to grill.

First, if you haven’t, clean and lubricate your grill. Stop stop stop grilling on filthy grates. It’s not good for the food, and makes it harder for you to get consistent results. Don’t just take it from me on this.

When your grill grates are clean and shiny with oil, light it up. For this recipe, I’m recommending a gas grill. The Czar likes to add wood flavor to most recipes and likes his charcoal grill for this. But we’re looking for simplicity here so we’re going with gas. Frankly, it seems like most of you have gas grills anyway. So open the valve, lift the lid all the way, and light up all but one of your burners (always leave one burner off for safety; you’ll see there’s another reason shortly).

When the temperature gets to be 350°, place the chicken breasts on the grill, leaving about a half-inch in between them. The Czar recommends you orient the breasts all the same way so you can keep track of which ones have been turned later. Close the lid. Throw out the marinade in its little plastic bag. You won’t need it anymore. And wash your hands again.

Wait about five or six minutes; then, lift the lid and quickly spin each breast 90°. Quick! Close the lid.

Wait another five minutes and lift the lid. Flip the breasts over. Notice the cool criss-crossy grill marks? Don’t those look great? Now close the lid.

Wait another five minutes. Quickly lift the lid and give them another 90° spin to complete the crisscross searing pattern on both sides. Close the lid and take note of the temperature.

If it’s gone above 400° at this point, lower the burners a little bit. The reason people undercook chicken is because they use too much heat. Keep the temperature at this point between 300° and 350°. There’s no reason to go hotter.


About fifteen minutes later, your chicken is probably done. But here’s how you know for sure: use an instant-read meat thermometer. There’s a lot of these on the market, but most are pretty crappy. The Czar recommends using one that’s as skinny and needle-like as possible, like the one shown here. The Czar’s is analog for accuracy, and is about the size of a quarter.

Select the largest pieces on the grill and lift it up with long tongs. Quickly insert the needle into the meat and hold it steady. It the needle goes past 155°, this piece is done (its actual temperature will finish around 165°). Place it over the burner that’s off. Repeat this for the other pieces of meat: never trust one piece to tell you how the others are (all grills have hot spots that can finish off some pieces while others are still raw). Move all finished pieces to the side and close the lid.

While they continue to finish up, go get a platter or plate. Return, and turn off the burners and the gas. The Czar knows that many of you like to keep your gas valve open when the burners are off, but this is a bad idea: all burners leak slightly, and you’re just wasting LP gas slowly; if you use an NG grill, you’re wasting money and allowing a possible gas build up inside your lid. Always turn off the gas.

Lift the lid, and place the pieces on the platter. Wait five minutes before cutting, because this is where the temperature stabilizes around 165°. They’re done, baby, and they’ll be perfectly white inside (no pink or fleshy patches).

Okay, but what if they aren’t? What if, when you check them, they’re only at 135°? No problem: put them back on the grill and wait another five or ten minutes. The ones that are done are safely resting over the burner that’s off. The rest are still cooking and getting nice and done.

Isn’t there something else we could be doing at the same time?

Absolutely. So the Czar told you there was more than one reason you want to grill with one burner off, and here it is: you can turn your grill into an oven.

Gather the following ingredients:

Bunch of asparagus, hard ends cut off
Sesame oil
Sesame seeds

That’s it. Take a sheet of aluminum foil and place it on your counter. Place the asparagus on top of it, and drizzle sesame oil over them until all spears are lightly covered in it.

When you light the grill a few steps above, place the aluminum foil sheet over the dead burner (with the asparagus on it). As the grill pre-heats, the oil will start to cook the asparagus.

When the chicken is done, so’s the asparagus. Bring it in while the chicken breasts are still finishing up over the cold burner. Place the asparagus on a serving plate, and sprinkle sesame seeds over them. It looks great and reinforces the sesame flavor in the oil.

You haven’t wasted any gas pre-heating, The air over the cold burner is actually about 350° – 400 degrees, and perfectly capable of cooking the asparagus. Just remember that when you start moving finished chicken breasts over to the cold side, you move the asparagus over to make room. If there isn’t enough room on your grill, just take the asparagus in the house since it’s done, and throw out the oily scrap of aluminum foil.

There you are: honey mustard chicken breasts grilled to perfection, and sesame-sprinkled grilled asparagus as a great side.

Again, before the Czar goes away for the day, take note of the grilling process described here. It can be used with so many different types of marinades and sauces, and it results in perfectly grilled chicken: sear for 5 minutes, spin it 90°, sear for 5 minutes, flip it, sear for 5 minutes, spin it 90°, reduce the heat to 300° or so and let it grill for another fifteen minutes. Check the temperature, and move finished breasts to your cold side; leave any unfinished ones on the heat. When they all reach at least 155°, take them off and wait five minutes more for internal temperatures to hit perfection.

They’ll be evenly cooked, extremely moist, and beautifully marked on the top and bottom.

NBC Could Fix Olympic Coverage Easily

The Czar was pleased to see that Comcast could barely keep up with demand for streamed Olympic events, and overall ratings for streamed events by other providers was also much higher than expected.

Perversely, the Czar was also pleased to see that NBC’s coverage of the Olympics was a ratings disaster for them, losing a hell of a lot of money for the network in advertising penalties (the fact that advertisers requested penalties for failed ratings in their original contracts indicates their confidence in NBC). The coverage was so bad that the Czar heard a DJ on a Sirius/XM music station go on a 4-minute rant about NBC.

Chief among the complaints was the spotty coverage—gold medal or even record-breaking performances by Americans went uncovered, only the most popular sports were shown, and some competitions went past midnight, with results already announces hours earlier. But to be fair, NBC can’t show some obscure track and field event and expect super-high ratings. They need to pay the bills, so yes—they’re showing commercials. And with so many events, they’re going to have to stagger them since they don’t have 20-some channels to utilize. What’s NBC to do?

Well, actually, the answer is in the streaming. NBC needs to get out of their $12 billion contract as soon as possible. In other words, stop covering the Olympics.

Instead, show the Olympics as streamed services on Comcast (which conveniently owns NBC), and license them to DirecTV, Dish, and other providers. This way, the public can watch events live, with minimal commentary, when they want to. And it’s not a suggestion—the public is clearly going that way.

Sure, the number of streaming viewers was a fraction of the broadcast viewers; however, the ratings numbers are clear: streaming viewers were far higher than expected, and broadcast viewers dropped nauseatingly low for the network. The change is happening now; NBC has two years until Korea to get in front of it.

Want to watch women’s archery between Korea and the Netherlands? Stream it. Want to watch men’s clean and jerk? Stream it. Want to watch swimming relay? Stream it.

Want to see an interview between Bob Costas and the plucky young American woman who took gold this morning? Watch that on NBC. Want to see Matt Lauer talk to the marathon runner stranded by some political change at home? Watch that on NBC. Get the sports off NBC and onto streaming—and save NBC for the Today-Show-style magazine slop they manage to do.

NBC has been accused of fudging some of its ratings numbers, and lately spinning some excuses as to why viewership may have been way lower than they first announced. Younger viewers, in particular, seem to be bored with the Olympics and this coveted demographic seemed to to have wandered off after the first couple of days.

Or, possibly, they got fed up with NBC’s assumption that Olympics viewers are all People-reading middle-aged women lusting after Michael Phelps, and drifted off to their phones and tablets to get streaming coverage or BBC or CBC feeds.

So, okay: if that’s how NBC wants to play it, then play it. Keep most of the regular programming on the air, have maybe a one-to-two-hour Olympic special on each night with the softball interviews and attempts to portray our athletes as anything other than sports nerds. Let Lauer get into low-intellect home-decorating ideas with the women’s gymnastics team and let Bob Costas lecture viewers on how little they know about what he just learned about Olympic speed walking.

And let us watch Judo with commentators who actually know the players and the rules weigh in briefly and softly after five minutes of total silence, punctuated every interruption in the action by a quick, 15-second commercial to pay for it all.

The Olympics will never be the SuperBowl nor the Oscars, and it shouldn’t be handled as such.