Gun Review: Ruger LCR and Kahr PM9

Your Mandarin went to the range today and fired a variety of plasma, x-ray, and conventional propellant-based weapons. However, there are two firearms your Mandarin decided on a whim to try out, and he thought a review was in short order.


Ruger LCR Double-Action Revolver

This one was the .38 Special +P model, which Ruger calls the 5430. This, as you see from the picture, is a concealed carry revolver.

The weapon is quite small, with a comfortable ergonomic grip. It certainly should fit well in your hand, claw, tentacle, or whatever pseudopod your dimension allows. This is a five-shot revolver, so if you’re looking for six-shooter, do the math.

With any concealed carry weapon, you expect a shorter barrel; as a result, you can expect more recoil. The recoil on the LCR however is punishing—even for your Mandarin’s experienced hands (you ladies know)—and indeed, the weapon transfers all its energy right into the radial nerve between your finger and thumb.

This will make the LCR a difficult weapon to master, and too fatiguing for prolonged practice sessions; it takes hours of continuous practice to really understand the feel of any gun, and after about ten minutes, you’ve had it with the LCR.

Oh, and for the guy who thinks he’s getting a small purse gun for his girlfriend, this is not doing her a favor. This will turn her off shooting even faster than your drunk cousin Eddie showing up with a rifle at the New Year’s Eve cotillion. Your Mandarin suspects you didn’t think he knew about that little incident, but there you go.

Boy, that Mandarin just gives and gives.

Kahr PM9

This is a 9mm, 7-shot pistol evidently designed for the Borrowers. It’s tiny. And given that it is designed for concealed carry—probably concealed-in-a-ladybug-carry—this means there have to be compromises.

With that said, your Mandarin didn’t like anything about this gun.

A magazine extension allows for more purchase on the weapon: this lets you close your hand around the grip, but alas it is all too easy to pinch the little finger in the gap between the magazine well and the grip.

Worse, its long, pendulous trigger pull is off-putting; the trigger has far too much travel compared to other weapons (even larger weapons: your Mandarin threw about 50 rounds from a borrowed 1911 today and found its trigger pull simple and direct compared to the one-third-size Kahr). Bottom line: the trigger doesn’t break when you think it should. And that throws off everything.

Accuracy on the Kahr was surprisingly good: even firing single-handed, your Mandarin hit what he was looking at. But a more serious trigger would have been a big help.

The Kahr, from a construction standpoint, is inferior to my everyday Springfield XD9. My XD9 has a much more comfortable feel and balance, easier to fire, has better mechanics, and to be blunt, would be much better than the Kahr for concealed carry because of it.

Really. And this is something your Mandarin says a lot: if you have a propensity for concealed carry, simply wear a larger, looser shirt and carry a full-sized weapon.

Three Facts on Gruber’s Architecture

This is the only known picture of Gruber since his goons have deleted all their other video evidence. Still, he did a very good American accent.

The Czar was away in the enchanted community of Three Drunk Indians #6, Michigan, planning for our world domination. You would be amazed at how critical that hamlet shall prove to be in the next few years, and why the first five identically named towns in that state would not do. Or numbers 7 through 9.

Alas, while we were out, the President said something about Reagan violating the Constitution by pardoning Josef Mengele or some such, and Operative BJ sent a then-timely thesis on the subject of everyone’s favorite liberal, Gruber (evidently pictured right). This letter, like all of Gaul is divided into four parts (Caesar was wrong, as you know, as he totally missed Norway):

Your Majesty,This lowly one has listened to the statements made by one named Gruber, the denials and dissembling from the child-king Obama and his evil enabler Pelosi, and the 3-monkey response to the Gruber Videos by the Democrats and the MSM, and has come up with the following analysis:

1. The lies and misleading statements by the one named Gruber were meant to fool only the weak-minded, thus explaining why the only legislators to vote to implement Obamacare were Democrats – in both houses of Congress;

It’s astonishing how many people on the Right do not realize this. American voters never voted for Obamacare; indeed, they routinely voted against it in a variety of ways. It was solely the Democrats in Congress who voted for it, nearly all of whom have been beaten out of politics as a result. It looks as if, as of 2014, Americans are still blaming them for this travesty of common sense and good law.

2. The MSM were either fooled by Gruber’s statements due to their inability to do simple math, because they were too afraid to stand up and reveal that the Obamacare numbers made no sense because of their support for Liberals, or because they were knowingly complicit in lying to the American public – again, because of their support for Liberals;

Again, you are correct. There were many—more than we realize—in the media calling out the math, questioning the accuracy, and basically revealing the truth about Obamacare. After all, that’s how you heard about it, first. But the sheer force of will by liberals not only covered this up, but revealed to the average American how out-of-whack our media is. If you seek encouragement, know that the media have indeed ruined their credibility with Americans, who overwhelmingly see the media as con men. And women.

3. The child-king Obama was either fooled by Gruber’s statements due to his inability to do simple math, was too wrapped up in his “legacy” to pay attention to the obvious “unintended consequences” of the bill, or knew he was lying to the American public when he said – multiple times – that they could “keep your plan” etc.

Also agreed: the Czar, as readers know, has long considered the President to be something of an intellectual trifle—someone who read all the alternative literature and books, but never read the foundation texts that put that alt lit into context. In other words, he read the pamphlets, not the books they railed against. He’s about an inch thick as an intellectual—his grades would reveal that Bush had higher grades in much tougher courses—and he lacks the scientific, mathematical, and historical discipline needed to make it as a real, intelligent person. The Czar very much doubts the President ever completed any math course more recent than high school geometry, at which he probably had iffy grades indeed.

So yes—the economic numbers and common-sense logic were probably way beyond the President’s ken, and he was too embarrassed to admit he didn’t understand any of it. He simply “trusted” on whatever his handlers were assuring him.

Your Highness, the question of the future of the PPACA now lies, once again, with the Supreme Court. This time, there is precedent from previous Supreme Court decisions that relates directly to King v. Burwell – including one from last term – regarding whether “clear statutory language” can be ignored in favor of regulatory rules (no, it can’t) (Michigan v. Bay Mills Indian Community). This one thinks that the SCOTUS will find for the plaintiffs and require the statutory language be obeyed as written, thus ordering the discontinuation of subsidies for Obamacare plans that are purchased on the Federal – not State – exchanges.The Administration may try to commingle the meanings of State and Federal, but this one thinks that the SCOTUS needs go no further than the 10th Amendment, wherein the definitions of State and Federal – and the limits of their powers – are clearly outlined.

The question, then, becomes “what is the remedy?” This one does not know whether a clearly illegal regulatory expenditure will be required to be recovered, e.g., whether those who received illegal subsidies will be required to return those funds to the Treasury. However, this one thinks that the SCOTUS will order the immediate termination of those regulatory rules that have provided those subsidies.

If the SCOTUS rules according to its own previous precedents and if it terminates non-State subsidies, the immediately increased costs of Obamacare may make the child-king’s legacy look like a punishment levied on those who believe in the merits and beneficence of a strong central government.

And I can’t think of a better result than that.

Guess what? Also agreed. Some day in the future, liberals will be looking back at their demise and realize that the election of Barack Obama was the worst thing that happened to them, too. And the Czar does not mistake your point—there really are no winners with this guy. He was a huge mistake, all across the board.

Ultimately, the legacy of Barack Obama is that the Baby Boomers will never see another liberal Congress—and possibly another liberal President—elected in their lifetime.

For the Boomers who were into the whole free love, fight the Man, and tune in movement, good on you. For the latter-day Boomers who are largely libertarians and conservatives, the Czar is deeply sorry.

Flashback: ‘Puter’s Prescience on Immigration

What follows is a piece on immigration reform ‘Puter wrote way back on 31 January 2014. ‘Puter thinks it has held up well, particularly those portions detailing ‘Puter’s immigration reform package. Read on, and enjoy.

Conservatives are uptight, and rightly so, about immigration reform.  Based on past experience, conservatives know two things. First, Democrats will never, ever enforce immigration law or close the border unless Republicans make Democrats do so before implementing Democrats’ wish list. Second, Washington’s Republicans have no problem selling out the base on an issue that benefits them directly, regardless of harm to the nation.*

But too many conservatives are unrealistic about immigration.  They’re unrealistic about what’s possible, and they’re unrealistic about their footing. Extremist positions (e.g., round everyone up and send them all home) make bad law. Just look at ObamaCare.

There are estimated to be 11 million illegal aliens in the United States.  The number has been relatively stable because President Obama and the Democrats have managed to do the near impossible: keep America’s economy in the crapper for five straight years.  Since the economy sucks, some illegals gave up and went home and fewer illegals are sneaking into America.

America doesn’t have the resources to find, arrest, try and deport 11 million anything, much less humans.  Furthermore, a large majority of Americans are going to be sympathetic to the sob stories Democrats and their media henchmen dredge up about jackbooted ICE thugs breaking down Abuela Maria’s door and dragging her out of her wheelchair in front of her United States citizen grandchildren. Uncomfortable comparisons to America’s internment of Japanese Americans will arise, rightly or wrongly, and public opinion will turn.

Shorter, conservatives can forget about deporting 11 million illegals. It’s not going to happen, no way, no how.  The political will to do so is nonexistent, and public opinion will not support mass deportations. The question becomes what is conservatives’ best option to make the best of a bad situation.

Here’s ‘Puter’s plan for how to deal with these 11 million people: **

  • Set a cutoff date. Illegals in America on or before the cutoff date can stay, provided they can prove they were here and meet basic eligibility criteria. All other illegals must leave the United States.
  • Make illegally returning to the United States after deportation a federal felony for which illegals must serve a minimum 10 year prison sentence. Illegal presence in the United States after passage of immigration reform results in a mandatory one year prison sentence and immediate deportation thereafter. Allow states to opt in to enforce this law in state courts without federal intervention.
  • All illegals in the United States must register in person with the government. Illegals will be photographed, fingerprinted, provide DNA samples and retina scans. Illegals must also submit to a criminal background check both in the United States and in their home country. Any felony charge or any violent history results in immediate deportation without hearing.
  • Registered illegals will be issued a biometric identification card which they must carry with them at all times. Tampering with, selling or fraudulently creating such identification results in immediate deportation. Citizens who do the same commit a felony with a minimum 10 year prison sentence.
  • Registered illegals must produce identification on demand to law enforcement officials. Law enforcement officials may request identification from a presumed illegal on an articulable suspicion of illegal presence rather than a probable cause standard. Law enforcement officers are subject to personal damages and jail time if it is found after trial they use this new power to unnecessarily harass or intimidate illegals.
  • Registered illegals may work and travel freely within the United States. Employers must run the identification cards through a federal database (because the government is so good with websites) before hiring, and report the illegal immediately if he is not in the database.
  • Registered illegals may not travel outside the United States for any reason. After all, if they want to be here so badly, they can stay. ‘Puter doesn’t care if they want to go home for a parent’s funeral. Once out, never back in. If a registered illegal leaves the country, he will not be readmitted. It’s that simple.
  • Registered illegals will not be considered permanent residents. Registered illegals will not have a pathway to citizenship of any kind. To those who will whine that it’s not fair and it’s dehumanizing, tough toenails. We’re letting registered illegals keep what they stole: life in America and knowledge that their children born here will be United States citizens.
  • Registered illegals will be subject to full taxation, but ineligible for federal benefits of any sort. This includes welfare, food assistance, housing assistance, Medicaid, ObamaCare, unemployment, Social Security, etc.***
  • Registered illegals may not vote in federal or state elections. Registered illegals may not own firearms. Registered illegals may not sit on juries. Registered illegals may not hold government jobs of any sort.
  • Registered illegals may attend school, if otherwise eligible. Registered illegals may own property. Registered illegals may get state licenses (e.g., driver’s licenses, professional licenses) on the same terms and conditions as citizens.
  • If states wish to provide welfare benefits to illegals, they may do so, but are not required to do so. No federal funds of any sort may be used by states to provide benefits to illegals.
  • So called DREAMers will be permanent residents with all appurtenant rights, except they will never be citizens. Like illegals, their reward is their children will be full United States citizens.
  • If illegals or DREAMers are convicted of or plead nolo contendere to a felony or violent misdemeanor, they will be deported after serving their full sentence.
  • Government will provide English language instruction free of charge to registered illegals.

‘Puter’s plan accomplishes two important goals: determining exactly who is in the United States and normalizing without reward illegals America’s never going to deport.

If you think ‘Puter’s program’s harsh, you’re wrong.  Illegals simply have to choose whether they want to stay in the United States under the conditions America’s offering or leave. Beggars can’t be choosers.  America’s not forcing illegals to stay against their will.  Illegals get to choose their own destiny, just like when they chose to ignore our laws and sneak in (or overstay) in the first instance.

And before you write to ‘Puter with your all caps rant about how he’s a RINO sellout and not a “true” conservative because he thinks we have to deal with 11 million illegals, don’t bother. You can suck it, you shortsighted, dim-witted bitter ender. Being a big boy means recognizing reality sucks, sorting through the shit to find a few pearls and making the least bad choice available.

You’re not being a True ConservativeTM by pretending choices are available when they aren’t. You’re being a true moron.

* ‘Puter thinks this assessment of Washington politicians is a bit harsh, but there is a grain of truth to it.  Establishment Republicans are the establishment precisely because they have a better read on what’s possible on a national level and what’s detrimental to the party on a national level. You can rant and rave all you want, but 95 times out of a hundred, the DC dealmaker knows better than the guy or gal figuratively screaming in ‘Puter’s Twitter feed about RINOs.

** ‘Puter’s plan assumes as a condition precedent America’s southern border is effectively closed prior to any other portion of the plan being implemented. Fool ‘Puter once, shame on you. Fool ‘Puter twice, he publishes the 127 hours of uninterrupted footage he has from spycams Sleestak installed in your house.

*** If Democrats want 11 million poor illegals in the country so badly, fine. Let Democrats donate to charities formed to provide for this new population. Republicans as a general rule are already donating to charities, because they don’t view paying taxes to have the government do stuff as meeting their moral obligation to do charitable works personally.  And shut up already, because studies show that Republicans donate to charity at a far greater rate and in far greater amounts than do Democrats. Even liberal New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof admits it.

“I’ll Take ‘Puter Potpourri for $1,000, Alex”

‘Puter spends a lot of time thinking. ‘Puter should spend more time writing about his thoughts, as writing helps him better order his mind. So, in a likely vain attempt to order his chaos, here goes.

Immigration: Obama will act unilaterally on immigration. Media will support Obama’s unconstitutional acts. Republicans will defund certain immigration enforcement activities and perhaps some of the president’s pet programs. This will set up a showdown on a budget.

Weather: It’s winter in Upstate. Lake effect is not unusual. While this week’s six to eight foot snowfall in Buffalo’s Southtowns is unusual, it’s not unheard of. Climate change asshattery and The Weather Channel’s ceaseless quest for ratings transformed weather into dramatic reality shows. Cut it out.

Gruber: Holy cow is this guy an arrogant prick. But Gruber’s much more than a mere arrogant prick. Gruber’s living proof conservatives’ worst caricatures of liberals are true. Liberals, particularly among their elite ruling class, think they’re better than ordinary Americans. Not only do liberals think they’re better than ordinary Americans, they conceitedly think they know better than ordinary Americans. This is liberalism’s Achilles’ heel. Americans hate arrogant pricks, particularly arrogant pricks who tell them how to live their lives.

ObamaCare: Between the King and Halbig cases and the stratospheric premium increases, ObamaCare may be on the path to collapse. Unlike successful liberal big government redistribution programs like Social Security and Medicare, ObamaCare forces everyone to pay in, but not everyone benefits. In ObamaCare, there are winners and losers, and it’s rapidly becoming clear that there are more losers than winners. The problem for Democrats is they promised Americans ObamaCare would only have winners. Everyone can keep their doctors and plans. Everyone will save money. ObamaCare will ultimately fall because of Democrats’ lies and piss-poor statutory drafting. And ‘Puter will smile.

Ferguson: Assuming the grand jury doesn’t indict, “activists” will descend like diseased blowflies on the corpse of the Democrat run town. The rioting scum will be closely followed by asshat media there only to sensationalize violent conflict to enrich themselves and their networks. Law enforcement charged with responding to any violence should start telling media today that they will apply the level of force necessary to immediately quell any rioting, up to and including overwhelming application of deadly force. Law enforcement’s first job is to enforce and uphold the rule of law. Rioting is the antithesis of rule of law. It’s anarchic chaos.

Russia: NATO will be in a low-grade clandestine war with Russia in Ukraine within the year, if it’s not already so engaged. Putin will create chaos in the Baltics, and NATO will have to respond with occupying forces to stabilize one or more Baltic States. European militaries are woefully unprepared to meet their treaty obligations, so the United States military forces will once more bear the burden. Putin invaded Ukraine because he learned from Obama’s incompetence and cowardice on Syria America would not respond.

Turkey: Turkey is not our ally. Turkey has not been our ally for a decade. The United States should kick Turkey out of NATO and recognize a new nation of Kurdistan, supporting it militarily and monetarily in exchange for an airbase or bases. Turkey can get bent.

Israel: Obama’s administration views Israel through post-colonialism’s distorted lenses. To Obama’s academic armchair warriors, Israel is the last of the colonial nations, a nation to be laid low to protect the colonized Palestinians. As such, Obama sees no issue with undermining Israel and its security at every turn. ‘Puter’s being polite here, ascribing a minimally tenable motivation. The only other possibility is Obama’s administration is full of anti-Semites, which is a real possibility. Obama drew a large chunk of his administration from university faculties, many of which are openly hostile to Israel and/or openly and proudly anti-Semitic.

Education: Higher education is screwed. Parents aren’t willing to pay ever escalating tuitions and students are increasingly unwilling to take out non-dischargeable student loans. Primary and secondary education is screwed because taxpayers are unwilling to pay outrageous taxes to support bad teachers in no-fire jobs with gold plated benefits and extremely generous pensions. The only constituency our education system’s not rigged to generously reward is the kids. That’s why education will be reformed, likely on a battlefield riddled with the unions’ bitter-ender corpses.

That’s all ‘Puter’s got time for today. Stay warm.

The Mystery of ‘Interstellar’ (here be vague spoilers)

This was the teaser website. I kid you not.

This was the teaser website. I kid you not.

Having caught Christopher Nolan’s very worthy Interstellar last week, I’m interested to see that a lot of the (very good) discussion of the film’s effectiveness is taken in terms of the accuracy and faithfulness of its science. Perhaps because I’m not much of a fan of hard science fiction as a genre, I lack the enthusiasm for wrestling with the large-scale philosophical problems it excels at explicating, but I find this approach a little obtuse.

Just as I think one misses the central point of The Dark Knight by treating it as a comic-book movie rather than an examination of the moral problem of what to do in the face of evil that refuses to instantiate the post-modern wish that all “issues” are negotiable, I think one misses the point of Interstellar by examining the hows of the astronauts’ galactic peregrinations, fascinating and amazingly depicted though they are. I’m going to write a little elliptically here, in case anyone hasn’t seen the movie, whose twists and turns are worth experiencing first hand.

Interstellar (“between the stars”) seems to me to be about a topic that no one ever mentions in the movie. A central mystery in the movie—never solved, so no spoilers here—is why an escape-route wormhole has appeared near Saturn to help humanity flee a dying Earth.

The closest guess anyone provides in the movie is a super-evolved race of future humans who’ve mastered time and exist in five dimensions. Ok, fair enough, and we can’t rule that out, though there’s no direct evidence for it.

What I find very interesting about the movie is that the events clearly do rely on the existence of a being or beings outside our three dimensions with whom all time is either coterminous or instantly accessible (one astronaut experiences an extremely cool, if disorienting, version of what such an experience might be like for a three-dimensional being like ourselves to experience). So, that’s Clue #1 as to who opened the wormhole.

Second, a character argues forcefully that love is a reality that, while unaccounted for by traditional science, similarly possesses being and efficacy outside time and space. The character’s argument is received respectfully but the decision is made on more formally logical grounds. However, the movie repeatedly validates the character’s intuition, and in the end it turns out the argument from love would have achieved better ends than that from reason and authority. In Interstellar at least, love appears to be an integral part of the ground of being, though outside the scope of science, much like the beings in Clue #1. Love foundational to reality becomes Clue #2.

Third, the being or beings’ interest in saving humanity is not merely general. Nolan clearly disapproves of such utilitarianism: one character is described as having lost his humanity in coming up with a technical solution for the species that leaves billions to die. The beings, it turns out, are intensely interested in particular human beings, shown dramatically with their long-term attention to one who ends up as an unlikely savior of the world when receiving and interpreting scientifically unobtainable data through an extremely unlikely act of revelation by the medium of a self-sacrificing parent. And the beings go out of their way to carefully return to the three-dimensional universe of the living another character who has left it and should by all rights be dead, returning him, moreover, in an exact moment and place where he will be discovered and rescued. So, Clue #3.

As Gormogon readers and minions, you see what I’m getting at. Nolan’s gripping sci-fi adventure points, however indirectly, towards the existence of Intelligence(s) outside time and space (though able to enter and affect it); Love as a similarly constituent part of the universe and therefore the Intelligence(s); and Loving Intelligence(s’) caring very deeply about humanity—and individual people—for unfathomable reasons and in unimaginable ways. (One does not even have to mention that, other than the aforementioned character’s utilitarianism and Despair—signaled by the famous poem he keeps quoting—the only genuinely, profoundly evil, indeed potentially mass-murderous, actions in the film are by ‘man’ fighting a self-imposed exile.)

So what’s going on here in Christopher Nolan’s apocalypse? Perhaps a reimagining of the reality in this very old poetry also set within on the convulsions of a dying Earth:

And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, by reason of the confusion of the roaring of the sea and of the waves; men withering away for fear, and expectation of what shall come upon the whole world.

For the powers of heaven shall be moved; And then they shall see the son of man coming in a cloud, with great power and majesty. But when these things begin to come to pass, look up, and lift up your heads, because your redemption is at hand. [Λουκας]

Now That You Mention It, Senator…

The Czar has many axes, Senator. Some of them are filed to cut trees, too.

The Czar had the wonderful luck to spend a few, warm minutes with Illinois State Senator Chris Nybo yesterday evening, where we were able to congratulate him on his dominating election win, and he amazed the Czar by recalling specific details from the last time the two of us met. As we parted, Senator Nybo said “Any time you need help, let me know what I can do.”

He was serious, so the Czar thought hard about it. And here is a list of things that we decided Senator Nybo can help us with.

  • There is an ash tree on the dacha property that needs to be cut down. Certainly the Czar does not expect the State of Illinois to pay for this removal; he does however have a second tree-felling axe for Senator Nybo. Between the two of us, we could probably drop that puppy in like ten minutes.
  • On Halloween, a wind storm blew through Muscovy and the Czar lost the cover from his Weber grille. Perhaps the Senator could walk around the area and try to find it. It’s probably stuck in someone’s hedges.
  • The dacha landscaping needs to be completely mulched. Just sayin’ that’s a two-man job, you know?
  • Spend a couple hours playing Minecraft with the Царевич and his buddies. That would totally rock, and he’d have a story forever.
  • The Czar will be in the Detroit area tomorrow. Perhaps Senator Nybo could be a dude and take the Цесаревич to the latter’s Boy Scout meeting.

That’s about it. You know, if the Senator was indeed as sincere as he sounded, any one of these would be a fine way of impressing us.

All About Comet Landings

The Czar answers all your questions on the comet landing. We apologize if this gets slightly technical for the average reader, but bear with us.

Did we land on a comet or just crash into it and are calling it a landing?

A Comet

Actually, we didn’t do anything: the European Space Agency (or AΣĘ) sent a spacecraft up like 10 years ago, and the spacecraft spat out a lander at the comet. The spacecraft is called Rosetta, the lander was called Philae, the assistant mission director was named Niklosz, and the instrument package was a series of Es with various umlauts.

So this was a European mission? They must be proud.

That’s not a question.

So this was a European mission? They must be proud, no?

Indeed, the head of the European Space Agency went on a rant boasting about the technical and engineering superiority of the Europeans, and how they totally smoked the Americans’ asses on this mission, and how they did it for a fraction of the cost, and thanks to good old-fashioned European know-how, they succeeded where we would have failed.

So what happened?

Comet

The whole thing screwed up seconds later. The Philae lander misfired its landing harpoons, the lander bounced hard into the comet, flipped up, and landed in a darkened crater pitched at an angle so badly that it isn’t getting any solar power to its batteries and is expected to die today. Also, Germany swung through Belgium and sacked France.

What are things like on the comet surface?

Basically, it’s a big pile of…well, you know when you’re driving your car in winter, and you see that Honda Civic with the missing windshield wiper and broken tail light, and the dude driving it has this massive chunk of inky black ice filth hanging off his rear wheel well, and you just know it’s going to drop off and slide into your car and damage the front of it? That chunk’s basically a comet.

So comets are basically chunks of filthy ice?

Yeah, but conveniently big enough to destroy Spain. Which in response to the Philae landing, threw out its government, established a pro-communist dictatorship, and is throwing the Jews out again.

Given this is the first ever landing on a comet, how much scientific data are we expected to obtain?

Comet DH-106/de Havilland

Take an original Xbox from 10 years ago, and jam it into a huge pile of dirt and ice in some abandoned parking lot very far from your home, and try to play the original Halo without using a controller. Know how fun that would be? Now switch out the word fun from that sentence, substitute it with the word scientific, and you have your answer.

What’s the difference between a comet and an asteroid?

Possibly very little. Many comets can establish themselves in stable orbits, and their surface compositions could be similar to some asteroids. Likewise, many asteroids can break loose from their orbits, get close to the sun, and burn out like icy comets. There are definite distinctions, but the two objects basically have the same origins: they’re the clods of bullion left over at the bottom of the soup pot.

What’s the difference between an asteroid and meteor?

Comet 64/Rankin-Bass

This has nothing to do with comets. A meteroid is a chunk of rock drifting in space that’s headed for a planet. A meteor is that same chunk of rock when it burns up in the atmosphere. A meteorite is anything left that hits the ground. Contrary to popular belief, when meteorites do bounce into the ground, they rarely leave a crater, and they are almost ice-cold to the touch. They cool off rapidly when meteors, as the earth’s atmosphere slows them down a lot. A lot. When they slow down to a stop, they are at high altitudes that are extremely cold. As they plummet like a baseball to earth, at regular falling speeds, they continue to cool until they are icy cold. Meteorites are worth big money by the way, so grab a baseball mitt and sit out in your yard and wait for one all night. You could make a fortune.

The names are so cool! Rosetta! Philae! What’s the name of the comet?

C67/P Churyumov-Gerasimenko, named after the Greek goddess of melodic rapture, C67/P Churyumov-Gerasimenko.

Two-Fer

Operative BJ lobbed in a couple of questions to us. Here’s one:

Your Wise, Patient, and Truthful Majesty,

It appears that actions by another of your minion, Agent Gruber, have been discovered. Unfortunately – mainly for him – several of his speeches have been found and have made the rounds of both social media and at least one “news” channel.

In those videos, Agent Gruber describes the American people as both “stupid” and incapable of understanding economics. Also in those videos, he describes the PPACA as having been written in an intentionally confusing manner using obfuscation meant specifically to fool the CBO into “scoring” the bill wrongly. Apparently he knew “the numbers” wouldn’t work. He’s an MIT economics guy, y’know, so he’s obviously smarter than everyone else and knew just how to fool the government watchdogs.

Thank goodness he was one of your agents! This one shudders to think what the result would be if he actually wasn’t one of your spies meant to destroy the U.S. by ruining one of the best health care systems in the world, but someone who was hired by the current administration to help write policy that would cause the eventual elimination of health insurance coverage held by millions of Americans.

Wait… why are you frowning and reaching for your sword? What? You DIDN’T send Gruber in an attempt to leverage the downfall of the U.S.? He WAS hired by the current administration??? His purpose WAS to create havoc that would mean that millions would not be able to keep their doctor or health plan – “period”?

You’re telling me that, once again, the child-king Obama tried to snatch socialism from the jaws of democracy? That, in the name of a minority (who still willingly remain uncovered by a health insurance plan), he is willing to destroy a working system that was affordable but needed fixes and replace it with one that is quickly becoming unaffordable and can’t be fixed? That he used subterfuge, deceit, and lied to us on repeated occasions, just to be able to have a “legacy”???

How… typical. Just another ordinary episode for the child-king Obama, I suppose.

Sorry about the Wise, Patient, and Truthful stuff. You can put that sword away now, Your Majesty. I’d rather have you as your fearsome self than disguised as something I think I can trust… that will eventually stab me in the back.

Gruber is a hot mess, and the Czar wants you not to talk to him or touch him in any way. The interesting part of this story for the Czar is that the person producing the videos of Gruber claims to have many, many more to share. Remember how the Right took down Van Jones? Expect something similar here.

Also, Operative BJ asked about the President’s “non-binding” agreement to lower CO2 emissions while letting China skate free. Not to worry: the whole thing is a transparent crock.

China has no intention of obeying that agreement, and frankly neither does the United States. The President is not authorized to engage in any such agreement without Congressional approval, and he knows he isn’t going to get it in the next 30 days, let alone the next session. The whole thing is a gooey farce to shut some environmentalists up that he has done precisely zip on Global Warming.

By the way, with the agreement in place, the President has done precisely zip on Global Warming. It’s pure political theater. Sleep easy.

The First 2016 GOP Sampler Platter

Now that the Midterm Elections are over, we can finally start wasting time wondering about 2016 Presidential candidates.

The Czar has previously said the Democrats are tapped out, and basically have no choice but to run Hillary Clinton. Joe Biden is a non-starter and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)—the media’s clear favorite—is not welcome among non-Massachusetts voters. As Barack Obama proved in 2014, no amount of media protection can cover a lousy Democrat forever.

But what of the Republican possibilities? Well, clearly we do not know everything in everyone’s hearts, but the Czar has some broad-brush thoughts on possibilities. Rather than provide a full, detailed analysis of each, we will make reading easier for you by just belching out reactionary thoughts.

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)—He’s not his father, by any means, and the Czar sees considerable potential in his managerial approaches. He’s improved a lot over the last two years in how he speaks, answers questions, and promotes foreign policy. However, his supporters can be polarizing (and ironically many of them don’t grok what Paul is really saying, and secretly hope he’s a moonbat like his dad), and will provide ample fodder to a hostile media and Clinton campaign. He may not survive the first few months; if he does survive, though, he’ll be formidable.

Jeb Bush—Highly unlikely. If anything, he is playing the role Sarah Palin has done so well: give the Left a decoy target that scares the crap out of them. He knows full well the dicey legacy of his brother among voters, as well as parental pressure to stay out of the Presidency. A cabinet position? Perhaps. A presidential run? Unlikely.

Gov. Chris Christie (NJ)—Most insiders seem to agree he’s a likely candidate. However, he will surge early and fade fast; if you look back at 2012, he’s more of a Michele Bachmann: initial popular support and recognition, but soon he will be unable to rectify previous statements and will begin to fizzle out among voter interest.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)—Cruz is a genius: he has the entire conservative camp eating out of his palm, scaring the liberals badly, and making the Establishment Republicans very nervous. He also will not run—or will not seriously run for long. He sees himself perhaps as Senate Majority Leader, and deeply influential among the Republican party. Heck, he’d probably like to be the new establishment. But he’s smart enough to know that becoming a presidential candidate puts too much of this at risk; at heart, Cruz is a calculator, not a gambler.

Mitt Romney—No matter what you hear, he isn’t running. He has put out carefully coded messages stipulating this. Only the media, who have a hard time remembering more than a couple things, seem to think he’s a possibility.

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH)—2016’s Tim Pawlenty: smart, executive, and decisive with good plans. Yet a completely gray character to the public. He’s more a Republican in the 1948 mold: 2016 will require a powerful, colorful, attractive figure to win votes away from the Democrats. Sorry: Portman isn’t it.

Gov. Bobby Jindal (LA)—He’s a maybe. Jindal makes the Czar nervous because the governor has made some pretty bizarre statements in the past that will serve as excellent ammunition for liberals (such as his belief in demonic possession happening everywhere). While voters care almost nothing about these comments, they will dog him again and again. However, Jindal is a powerful intellect who seems to understand everything going on around him; this is a very desirable quality in a leader, and Jindal will certainly do well if he decides to run.

Gov. Scott Walker (WI)—Walker is a masterful communicator who knows how to get the most undecided voters to tilt toward conservative viewpoints. There’s really no reason he wouldn’t be a Reagan-like president, and hell, he could hit the full Coolidge. Unions hate him, but proved at all levels they’re a non-threat in 2014. Really, the only valid concern we have heard is that Walker may not be ready for the severe hatred he and his family will receive from Democrats. Not because of anything inherent to Gov. Walker, but because he scares Democrats so badly they will have no choice but to get personal. He’s a decent guy, and he may not be able to stomach the negativity certain to follow about his wife and family.

Dr. Ben Carson—Who doesn’t like this guy? Unfortunately, he shares a lot more than skin color with Herman Cain: Dr. Carson has all the charisma and ideas of Cain, but also lacks the experience, the knack of smart politics, and the ability to convince voters he’s the guy you want calling the shots when Russia flies a bomber over Poland. A president is never defined by what he promises, but by how he responds to the out-of-nowhere threat. And Dr. Carson has a dangerously short list of issues he likes to talk about. He’s already running, one gathers, but will have a hard time being more than a sideshow.

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)—Rubio has taken a lot of flack for his immigration work: he had his George H.W. Bush moment of mistakenly trusting the Democrats on the committee to back his ideas and wound up being stapled to a pro-amnesty bill he didn’t actually support. But Rubio is slick, polished, and constantly learning. The Czar is less enthusiastic about a charismatic senator with no executive experience (Obama, anyone?), and isn’t sure whether he would make it to November of 2016 or not. He’s a real risk, balanced between potential brilliance and incompetence. The Czar believes there are safer candidates in this list.

Rick Santorum—The Czar liked Rick Santorum in 2012 and voted for him during the primary. But he’s rapidly becoming something the Czar cannot abide: a politician who won’t take the hint that the public is done with him. Rather than helping behind the scenes, writing policy, or guiding candidates, Santorum is like the party guest who just won’t go home. Yes, he will probably run. Yes, he will last mere weeks before disappointing voters again.

Gov. John Kasich (OH)—Kasich is a conundrum. He isn’t a conservative by any means, and he certainly isn’t very establishmentarian, either. But he will definitely play into the “rich, white guy” template that Democrats will happily unroll for him. His Lehman Brothers background is going to hurt. If he runs, he will probably lose.

Rick Perry—Perry is a powerful, smart, tough guy. The more he talks, the more he convinces people he’s the real deal. However, his dreadful 2012 candidacy will be a millstone around his neck forever. No matter how smart a campagin he runs in 2016, the media, pop culture, and therefore the public will associate him with being a good-natured dope. The Czar thinks the world of Rick Perry, but is doubtful his 2016 candidacy will last more than a few months before he quits in frustration. Cabinet level position? Totally.

Mike Huckabee—Non-starter. He’s finished.

You Read It Here First

The numerical extent of the Republican victories caught most of us by surprise, but the inevitability of it should catch none of our readers unawares. The Czar has been warning that the Democrat party is built on balloons for some time.

Dr. J. mentioned this to us the other morning (perhaps; the Czar gets confused when forced to rise early, and just assumes mornings and afternoons equate to the same vague concept of “daytime”). The good doctor mentioned that the GOP has been cleaning Democrat clocks in state races for some time, which is true. And even in Illinois—widely but incorrectly viewed as a loyal Democrat bastion—the Democrats were -1 in the state Senate, and did not lose any seats in the House. Even New York state is on the bubble of enjoying divided government. All in all, Democrats are down to only 6 states where they enjoy control.

The reason for this is that Republicans have enjoyed monstrous success at the state level for so long, and guess what feeds into the national level? The Democrats are literally running out of candidates.

This isn’t so crazy as it sounds. In a heavily Democrat state like, say, Massachusetts (whose governor went Republican), voters can choose between an underfunded Republican or a well-heeled Democrat. It’s easy to be a Democrat in those place.

But have that candidate attempt to go on the national field, and the competition is a lot more severe. Candidates like Georgia’s John Barrow—who might seem slightly left of center when running against a primary candidate who is wildly left of center—suddenly seems incoherent when running against a Republican who can speak to the public like Rick Allen.

Democrats like Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH), who defeated Republican Scott Brown, won by razor-thin numbers. And Mary Landrieu (D-LA) may have gotten enough votes to force a runoff against Bill Cassidy, but she no longer can count on Tea Party spoiler Rob Maness’ voters to siphon votes away from Cassidy. If they vote for Cassidy as expected, she’s doomed.

The Republicans are still in terrible danger of losing the presidency in 2016. For one thing, the Republicans are intentionally discouraging candidates to declare their intentions until very late in the game—a wise move to prevent the too-early announcements of 2012, when the media had years to destroy Republican contenders one after another. For another, Hillary Clinton is a household name.

But Hillary Clinton has never been more beatable. Politically, she’s weak as hell. Her record is riddled with landmines easily exploited by the Facebook/Twitterati crowd. Her donors have begun to flee after every one of her endorsed candidates lost in the midterms. The media make it clear she’s not their choice. And the general public views her as tired, haughty, and a bit cold. Her campaign would need to spend the next year reversing the negativity about her, and spend the following year hoping to build her image better. Not good.

However, running someone else is unlikely. The Democrats don’t have anyone.

The media clearly want Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), but she’s a disaster outside of her state. Everytime she opens her mouth about the economy, voters go for Republicans. The media love her far-left Alinsky tactics, but Alinsky tactics don’t work reliably anymore: Republicans have begun learning how to defeat them. And there’s no way Republicans will omit mentioning her bullshit claims about Indian heritage. It’s been debunked, and can easily be weaponized to discredit her.*

The Obama camp wants to run Joe Biden. Really, the Czar has nothing else to add. What you’re thinking, the Czar is thinking.

Okay, so if it isn’t Warren, who is it? Indeed, the well is empty. Clinton—like Mondale or Dukakis—will be forced to run because (a) they have no one else and (b) the Democrats can finally get rid of a millstone candidate who won’t otherwise go away.

What the Democrats need is a candidate who won’t out-mock her own Saturday Night Live cold open personality. And there isn’t one.

* Unfortunately, all we need is a Republican candidate who won’t offensively yelp “woo woo woo woo woo” and repeatedly slap his mouth with his palm every time she says something. That’s the kind of self-destruction Republicans excel at, and the Czar promises nothing.