Czar’s Advice on High School Commencement Speeches: Start Making Sense

Hey, high schoolers! Graduation is just a couple weeks away (or so), and you valedictorians are probably getting your speeches ready for the big day, right?

Well, stop, because your speech is awful. Let the Czar help you out.

“Hey, remember that time Donny Hernandez stole Caitlin Prescott’s panties and hung them from the Prometheon projector? Dude, that was so funny! Caitlin, why are you crying? You didn’t know it was Donny?”

(Original photo by Richard M. Hackett of the The Longmont Times-Call)

If you start your speech quoting the dictionary—specifically with “Webster’s Dictionary defines…” the Czar will rip your head off. Let him guess: you’re either going to explain how your high school experience matches the definition, or ironically proves the opposite. How on earth did we know?!? Amazing, as if the Czar has heard this every year for the last century at least.

You should also be aware “The Road Not Taken” has been taken so many times that it’s officially the Road Way More Traveled. It makes all the diff-er-ence. A made up study confirms that more Americans have this poem memorized from high school graduation speeches than any ever before. If you read this poem to us, you’re a stupid conformist who plays it safe.

Not to say you couldn’t read a poem to the assembled masses. But when you do, please don’t read it in a sing-song lilt. All that shows is you have no sense of how to read poetry and are just trying to sound artsy. You wind up sounding like a toddler.

Glad that you’re a religious person. But that doesn’t make you a pastor: lengthy psalm recitations, or original prayers asking for some unfocused blessing, is like jamming needles under the audience’s fingernails. Thank God and get it over with: nobody wants to watch you pray anymore than they want to watch you brush your teeth up there.

Also, and this is pretty important—you’re not the only one graduating that day. So when you talk about how much high school meant to you, and how much you got out of your teachers, and how you’ll treasure them always, bear in mind that the crowd will either disagree with you or they’ll have no clue what you’re talking about.

Don’t make woo-woo-par-tay references. You are the valedictorian: you weren’t invited to any of those parties and everyone staring at you knows this.

Whenever you give a speech—now or in your future career—remember that the primary thought each audience member will have is “How much longer is this going to take?”

And leave your politics out of it. Just because you got a 3.87 on your GPA, you are not remotely qualified to lecture people three times your age on your politics, especially since five years ago you still believed in Santa Claus. If your political views in fact are correct, it will be more by coincidence than by anything you learned in the mean streets.

Your funny personal anecdote? Yeah, probably a stupid story that’s going to embarrass two teachers, the principal, and five students who will hate you forever. The audience will not share your whimsy, but they will share the awkward discomfort of the people you just humiliated.

Instead, suggest that everyone there thank their parents or guardians for all the patience and sacrifice they exhibited solely for your benefit. Putting a kid through school isn’t just a matter of money, but time and very often terrible frustration. Adults who live around high schoolers spent a disagreeable amount of time biting their tongues, or taking deep breaths. Freshmen think their parents don’t know everything. Sophomores believe they know it all. Juniors realize maybe nobody knows anything. Seniors begin to sense maybe their folks know more than they do. It all comes around—so thank your parents for, if nothing else, not beating you in your sleep with an aluminum baseball bat every night.

Offer your fellow graduates some advice about accepting responsibility for their own words and actions. Show them that the world out there is actually pretty nasty, and they might not be ready. In fact, they won’t be. But if they take a moment to remember just a little of what they learned in high school, maybe they can squeak past the real trouble and learn how to teach themselves to be smarter. Wisdom can start at any age; high school graduation is a great time to begin.

Avengers: Age of Ultron Preview. Or Review, Maybe.

Look out, Avengers! Loki seeks terrible revenge.

The Czar is well aware that we owe you all a review of the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie, although by this point you either saw it, won’t see it, or might get around to it when it’s on cable. Warning: cable cuts up their movies pretty bad.

So really, there’s no reason to review this movie because you either will see it or won’t see it. No one is on the fence about this. And if you are on the fence, get off, quick: this is not the movie to wander into to see if this Marvel movie stuff is interesting. You pretty much need to see a couple (or ideally all) of the Marvel Studios’ movies to get. You’ll be lost if you try to see this first.

The heck with all those reviews. The Czar is going to review this movie the way he always does: Socratic methodologically.

As a molecular geneticist, are there any giraffes in this movie? Because they make me very nervous with those hideous purple tongues and weird stares.

No, there are no giraffes at all. Not even mentioned, unlike Se7en, which made a giraffe the lead suspect through most of the film.

Does Brian Dennehy take his clothes off in this movie, too?

Not that we noticed. But sometimes in Marvel movies, there’s a lot you miss in the background that rewards—or in this case, punishes—repeat viewers.

My dog wants to know if there are a lot of triangles in this film.

Not really a question.

Okay, can you tell my dog if there are a lot of triangles in this film?

Not especially many, no. Some, but other regular polygons are well-represented throughout.

Is this the movie that has Superman fight Batman?

Yes, yes it is. Go see it, right away. And buy tickets for both your friends.

As one of those affected people, does this movie have Maggie Smith sharing witty banter over tea with Judi Dench?

Indeed, it does! Although, Maggie Smith is more Robert Downey, Jr., and Judi Dench is very much Chris Evans. Oh, and high tea is really a bunch of robots taking over the city of Andrés, Segovia.

Is this the movie that has Superman fight Batman?

You asked this already. Please stop.

What was the biggest surprise at the end, so that I can ruin it for everyone who hasn’t seen it?

Um. They’ve already seen it. But if you find someone who hasn’t seen it—they never will—make up whatever you want. Tell them that Obama makes a cameo in it, in which he’s promoting S&H Green Stamps.

Is Loki in it?

Loki makes a brief appearance as a cuddly Cavalier King Charles spaniel, but you have to look really quick.

Kommer goda män och kvinnor triump över det onda?

See the movie for yourself, you lazy Swede.

Baltimore’s Real Thugs

Little known fact: Baltimore’s official mascot isn’t the Baltimore Oriole, it’s the flaming police car, which better symbolizes the city’s prospects.

‘Puter’s been drinking and thinking, which is never a good combination.*

Baltimore’s mayor (one Ms. Stephanie Rawlings-Blake) and President Obama both referred to Baltimore’s rioters as “thugs.” ‘Puter applauds both Ms. Rawlings-Blake and Mr. Obama for speaking the truth.**

Baltimore’s as yet nameless rioters (except for that one kid, whose medal-worthy mother pimp-slapped his bitch ass and dragged him off by his ear) are thugs, plain and simple. What else to call cowards who use the tragic and preventable death of a young man at the hands of police to loot and burn their own community?

Yet just as surely as the rioters in the streets are thugs, there’s another class of thugs who are every bit as responsible for Baltimore’s riots as the rioters themselves: Baltimore’s ruling class.****

‘Puter’s often ranted it’s single party control per se, not the party in charge, that causes massive government corruption and dysfunction. Baltimore’s helpfully provided yet another definitive proof of ‘Puter’s latest theorem.

Baltimore’s been under the iron fist of Democrats for decades. Its last Republican mayor sat in the 1960s. Hell, Baltimore’s so corrupt Nancy Pelosi’s father Thomas D’Alesandro was mayor (for life) from 1947-1959, eventually leaving elected politics after being implicated in taking kickbacks.

Baltimore’s so in the tank Democrat it elected the rain tax guru and soon to be presidential candidate Martin O’Malley mayor not once but twice.

Baltimore’s so corrupt its last mayor Sheila Dixon was convicted of corruption (for taking kickbacks and stealing gift cards, of all things) and forced to leave office.

Baltimore’s so corrupt, half the city’s represented by Elijah E. Cummings, shameless race huckster and perhaps unethical defender of the IRS jihad against conservative groups.

Baltimore’s ruling class has been on the take and in the tank Democrat as long as ‘Puter’s walked this Earth. And what have Baltimore’s citizens earned for their loyalty? Nothing.

The life of a poor Baltimorean has, if anything, gotten profoundly worse as decades of uninterrupted Democrat hegemony pass.

Baltimore’s inner city school kids can’t read, do math or do science at anything approaching grade level.

Baltimore’s unemployment rate is 8.4%, nearly three points higher than the state’s rate.

Baltimore’s Black families make $30,000.00 less annually than a White family in Baltimore, and $40,000.00 less than the Maryland state average.

Baltimore’s Black men aged 20-24 suffer a 37% unemployment rate, compared to just 10% for Baltimore’s White men of similar age.

Despite decades of abject failure, Baltimore’s elected thugs continue proposing the same, failed programs that accomplish nothing other than lining their pockets. Meanwhile, Baltimore’s already poor Blacks get poorer as the city literally and metaphorically burns.

Baltimore has two sets of thugs, the citizens who riot and the politicians who maintain the status quo. While we’re busy condemning the former, let’s not forget to also condemn the latter.

* N.B. Contrary to Czar’s claims, ‘Puter isn’t a morning drinker. ‘Puter simply has GorT advance the Earth’s rotation upon ‘Puter’s awakening so it’s afternoon. Problem solved.***

** Now if only Mr. Obama would refer to Islamist terrorism as Islamist terrorism we’d be getting somewhere.

*** By the way, Fifi and Belinda, the bartendrixes at the Leaping Peacock, make an awesome Lavoris and Leinenkugel shandy, perfect for a summer eye-opener.

**** For the definitive treatise on How Democrats Effed Up America’s Cities and Learned to Love the Graft All in Five Groovy Decades, see Kevin D. Williamson’s piece in National Review. Really. Read it. It’s awesome.

ScottO Visits Us For Lunch; Battles Pirates

No less a famous personage than ScottO arrived in Chicago this past weekend for some spurious business affair involving his wife. Probably some Strangers on a Train sort of thing. But ScottO discovered that his dearest wife (which makes one wonder about the other wives he grammatically has) was occupied on Tuesday, meaning he was free for lunch.

What does a highly intelligent, reasonably adventurous man do when in Chicago by himself? Simple! He calls the Gormogons.

Evidently, he also borrows a 12-cylinder Aston Martin Rapide to burn down around Michigan Avenue, but we’ll let him tell you that story. Later.

Imagine ScottO’s surprise when the Czar and the Mandarin agreed to have lunch with him downtown! It surprised the hell out of us, too. Allegedly, ScottO asked his dearest wife if she would be inclined to join us for lunch.

“You want to have lunch with a couple of guys you’ve met over the internet, and have no idea who they really are or even what they look like. How do you know one of them isn’t an axe murderer?” ScottO said he had no reasonable answer for that question, although it did cross his mind that Mandarin, who is one of us, definitely doesn’t use an axe. So that technically counts.

Now, at some point, this story is going to go off-the-rails exaggerated, so pay attention so that you can better guess where.

Thus the Czar and Mandarin headed in from their respective locations and found him sitting quietly but keenly aware of his hotel surroundings at the appointed time. We dined at a nice restaurant in the shadow of the John Hancock Building, and talked of many things. Mostly sealing wax. Those two each enjoyed a decent portion of ravioli, and the Czar scarfed down a large chopped salad. ScottO mentioned that Reno is longitudinally further West than Los Angeles is, a fact which the Czar did not know and became immediately obsessed with. Mandarin regaled him with all sorts of tales regarding the demon-haunted Castle, and curious tales of our prominent writers.

The point is we had a great time, up until the pirates arrived. ScottO spotted them first, as they crashed their frigate into the fifth floor of the building. Crying “Avast,” ScottO grabbed a knife and placed the blade smartly into his teeth, scurrying up the ropes to the bow. Mandarin jumped out of his chair, in time, and began to boot a variety of pirates squarely in the gut, one after the other. The Czar, axe in hand, chopped a hole in the bow and ensured that any escape attempts by them would result in immediate capsizing.

The frigate, now engulged in flames. Mandarin, not visible in this shot, is already mind controlling members of the crew into servile obedience.

By now, you’re probably thinking “What a load of horse crap. Wouldn’t they use their cannons?” Indeed they did, and the Czar headed into the hole he chopped. Mandarin studiously dodged each cannon ball, watching the heavy metal spheres bounce and skitter across the cracked marble floor of the eatery. ScottO lured one of the pirates to fire a cannon at him; when the pirate inevitably took the bait, ScottO jumped up to the jib, letting the cannon ball sail under him to shatter the bow. How the pirates slashed their cutlasses at him, but ScottO taunted them from the forestays, raining both sarcasm and fire upon them.

The ship was soon engulfed in flames: above, from ScottO, and below from your humble Czar who ignited their powder magazine. Soon, the top deck was swarming with flaming, muscular pirates, which sounds pretty homoerotic but was in fact the literal truth. As ScottO and the Czar exited the burning remains of the frigate, we enjoyed a hearty laugh as the Mandarin forced several of the pirates into mind-control obedience. The shot of us laughing froze as the credits rolled.

Now you tell us. What did you for lunch yesterday? Bet it wasn’t that.

What’s in the Mailbag?

The NightFly writes in from our mobile command unit:

O Dreaded Awfulness:

I have been at some pains to identify the player that GP is channeling in the photo on your hockey bet post. (The ferret guards will look quite fetching, by the way, though Dr J couldn’t resist using Preds colors for the uniforms. Hi-level trolling right there.)

In any case, I couldn’t place the image until I zeroed in on the Titan stick, a brand whose zenith occurred in the 1980’s. Left shooter, 80’s, #8 – my goodness, that’s Jeff Norton’s music!

Norton was a defenseman whose career started with the post-dynasty, pre-Milbury Islanders, drafted by Bill Torrey himself. He had his best seasons there as a young man before his hockey nomad days. He played for six other teams at least, including both Florida expansion clubs, and two separate stints as a Shark – heck, the expansion teams loved them some Jeff Norton.

With all the injured Isles defensemen right now, they might be tempted to bring him back… or even ‘Puter.

Good luck to the Hawks from here out, and thanks for Mr. Leddy. We Long Islanders have taken a shine to that gentleman’s game.

From the Mobile Command Unit

Yes, the Czar just said that. Anyway, that’s some Monk-level OCD detective work, there, big guy. Nice work. The Czar is curious where Ghettoputer obtained the copy of Norton’s sweater, although if there’s blood on it, it’s probably not a copy. Anyone seen Mr. Norton lately?

Also, thanks for pointing out the ferret guards’ uniforms. The Czar expected red, but did note they were in gold and blue. We didn’t think much of it until your letter. Dr. J.! Is there no evil of which he is not capable?

Finally, yes, the good doctor publicly admitted his Predators did not perform as he expected, and Shea Weber, as you know, is recovering from lightning burns. The Czar fully expects to see them next year in the playoffs—awesome team.

Meantime, Operative BJ asks about the rioting in Baltimore:

Your Majesty,

This lowly one watches the events in Baltimore unfold, considers the events in Ferguson and New York City, and wonders if we are seeing something more than just riots. This one wonders – forgive me for asking this – whether we are seeing the leading edge of national race-based riots that would make Crown Heights or Watts seem like quiet protests in comparison.

This one notes that protesters do not pick up rocks and bricks and throw them at police, at bystanders, or through shop windows. Those are the actions of rioters, people who have abandoned law in favor of lawlessness, who are using the excuse of “protest” to commit property destruction, loot, and pillage their own neighborhoods.

In Baltimore, local officials claim that “known agitators from out of town” are sparking the violence. Ferguson officials made the same claim, as did New York City officials. Why aren’t these local officials finding and arresting those “known agitators from out of town” and charging them appropriately? Are local officials using the “known agitators from out of town” excuse to avoid arresting those who are known local agitators for fear of irritating and infuriating local leaders (and a visit by Sharpton)?

BJ has read us for years, and knows full well the Czar’s assessment of riots—they are all professionally organized by factions of the Left, ever hungry for their next October revolution. Hey, not only do the police know these agitators are from out of town, but know their names and addresses.

The problem is that you can’t always just arrest someone for showing up in a town before a riot. The known out-of-town elements are not the ones throwing the rocks, setting fires, or even passing out fliers for the riots. They are good at what they do, and hole up in some motel on the outskirts and mind their manners. But they are calling all the shots, absolutely. These folks lose nothing if the locals they agitate burn down their own neighborhoods.

And the locals, who believe the crap about Broken Windows, believe the Man will weep in pity and buy them all new, shiny businesses and homes for this neighborhood once the smoke clears. Remember—a lot of these folks believe they’re doing good for the community, and another big chunk believe they’re owed compensation. Both forms of violent seduction originate from the folks in those motel rooms.

Incidentally, you may not remember, in 2004 the New York City Police Department trumped up charges on these out-of-towners at the Republican National Convention, arresting most of them with the result being no violent protests. Unfortunately, the NYPD overstepped their idea by arresting a heap-ton of innocent people, some of whom weren’t even protesting but just going about their business. They were held for the duration. In Minneapolis-St. Paul, in 2008, the police did much the same strategy by arresting the known violent thugs while they were assembling on the charge of violating their scheduled protest window. This worked, and the protests were almost completely incident free.

So yeah, these guys are well-known to law enforcement, and yes—sometimes they’re detained as soon as they arrive. But no big deal: with no real charges, they’re free to go. And they’ll be back—somewhere, waiting for the next event to call them out of the gloaming shadows of Leftism.

Plato Told Hillary

Hillary’s Nipponized bit of the Sixth Avenue el hasn’t come back to haunt us yet, but it surely will.

‘Puter awoke this morning to the crew on Morning Joe announcing in Very Serious Voices ™ the New York Times broke another Clinton Family scandal.

‘Puter yawned, assuming this would be another quickly dismissed “the Clintons are on the take” disclosure, one of which media would quickly tire. Hey, ‘Puter remembers the Clinton-Media Complex from way back in Bill’s White House days.

Not so fast, though. Sure, this scandal’s about the Clintons and their congenital lust for money and power, no matter how dirty the source. But it’s also more than that, and ‘Puter thinks this scandal just may have staying power.

Hillary Clinton, as Secretary of State, appears to have permitted Russia to acquire a significant portion of America’s uranium reserves and mines in exchange for millions of dollars of contributions to the Clinton Family Foundation. Additionally, Russians with a stake in the transaction paid Bill Clinton $500,000.00 for one speech in Moscow.

This Clinton scandal’s got staying power because isn’t about money. It’s about national security.

Russia provides Iran its uranium. Iran is building a nuclear weapon. President Obama is set on a deal permitting Iran to develop a nuclear weapon. Mrs. Clinton’s decision means Iran forthcoming nuclear device will likely contain fissile material made in the USA.

All of this reminded ‘Puter of the e.e.cummings poem Plato Told. ‘Puter’s favorite part of the poem is this bit:

you
told him:i told
him;we told him
(he didn’t believe it,no

sir)it took
a nipponized bit of
the old sixth

avenue
el;in the top of his head:to tell

him

The poet’s reference to “a nipponized bit of the old sixth avenue el;in the top of his head:to tell him” reminded ‘Puter exactly of the Clinton family’s horrible, shortsighted betrayal of America.

You see, America sold the scrap metal from the dismantling of New York’s Sixth Avenue elevated train line to Imperial Japan three years before Pearl Harbor. Japan used this metal to manufacture the bombs, bullets and warships used in that attack. America willing sold Japan the means of its own (short term) destruction.

And Hillary Clinton’s done the same thing, selling Russian and Iran the means of America’s own destruction. Worse, Mrs. Clinton’s done it not out of naïveté, but out of greed.

The New York Times told ‘Puter. ‘Puter’s having a hard time believing it.

What’s Wrong With Academia?

The subject of academic reformation is truly an ongoing debate, given each generation’s increasing dislike for the pedagogic methods of those preceding it, and each generation’s intolerance for those that follow. The Czar has wondered what, exactly, has gone wrong wtih modern universities, and has found an answer.

Miss Mayfield? I’m experiencing meaningful cognitive adhesion.

When one disassociates transnormative thinking from the didactic expression developing from itself, the occurrence of trigger warnings is not such a surprise for adaptive learning. The digital nativity of post-literacy comparatives fully experiences itself in a cultural diaspora, both inter- and intra-generational. In no time, Jungian hegemony dichotomizes all comprehensive forms of differentiated instruction. Cooperative learning fosters these higher-order integration drills, and all subsequent peer assessment is oppressed by text complexity. Artifices such as Bloom’s Taxonomy become moribund examples of how such instructional scaffolding gives way to its own artificiality.

Were we to consider such mainstreaming inclusion methods like chunking, balanced or discovery reading, or even flexible grouping, the rigor of academic direct instruction compounds the extrinsic motivations of individualized methodology. Any reasonable portfolio assessment reveals that inquiry-based learning (i.e., asking questions) manipulated life-long learning outcomes for a majority of everyday student engagement.

Only by this method can we hope to appreciate the dangerous extent academia has on today’s college students.

Let the Wagering Commence

As you know, your Gormogons are generally an ill-humored bunch, given to squabbling over sports. Some of us hate baseball, the rest loathe soccer. Pretty much we all think the NBA is deplorable, and a couple of us are worried that football is being regulated to death by over-penalizing and review calls.

These two girls like hockey, but not as much as ‘Puter does. Soon, these girls will loathe hockey.

However, all of us here at the Castle agree on hockey—and not just a little bit. To a fiend, we all seem to be enthusiastic followers of the sport. That’s the good news; the bad news—although to be sure the more entertaining fact—is that we disagree on teams.

Indeed, our selections and preferences are as mercurial as our other moods. Dr. J., for example, is hometown loyal to the Predators, understandably, but has a strong affinity for the Philadelphia Flyers. Ghettoputer, as another example, follows his poor drunken sots on the Buffalo Sabres, but keeps close watch over the perennial favorites, the Washington Capitals.

Let us not get started on Volgi, whose hockey preferences are based on the Chinese five elemental system. Ask him, and you get some bizarre answer like “Wood (the Wild) overcomes Earth (the Blues), but gives rise to fire (The Flames), so clearly the best choice are the Ducks.”

Now, you know all this already if you’ve read our site for more than a year. The part you’re waiting for is the wagering.

This has been pretty light so far. Actually, Mandarin said he would be willing to sit out this year, and we haven’t heard from ‘Puter yet. GorT already knows the winner and has promised not to blurt it out seconds after we lock in our mutual bets. As far as the Czar can tell, the only going wager this year is between himself and Dr. J. And that’s only for the first round.

The Czar is picking the Blackhawks over the Predators. While the Czar feels the Blackhawks have their usual post-All Star game malaise and sloppy attitude, he picks them by default. Dr. J., so cruelly the victim of Fate in being denied not only the Flyers’ participation but also any semblance of taste, is staying with the Predators.

As a Blackhawks supporter, the Czar knows only too well that the Nashville community is aching to formalize a rivalry between Chicago and Nashville. The Predators, as a newer team, lack enough history to have some rivalries with other teams, but come on—a hockey rivalry between Chicago and Nashville would be awesome. The Predators are a great team, with superb fans, and indeed play very clean hockey. This is exactly the sort of team that Chicagoans like as a rival (see also the Blues, the Redwings, and the Canucks as examples).

Verily, then, as we attempt to set a value on fairness, the Czar has resolved that if the Predators beat the Blackhawks in the first round, the Czar will willingly give to Dr. J. the following items: one of those cool spiky lightning conductors, a a marten for Loki the dog to play with (because even a dog can use a pet), some of Gruder’s Mystery Flavor Lemonade (a case of 24 ball jars), a live squirrel nut cracker, pickled snake head fish, and bacon-flavored baby formula for those cold nights when Lady J. wants something warm in a bowl.

Conversely, Dr. J. has acknowledged before his peers that if the Blackhawks defeat the Predators in the first round, then Dr. J. shall immediately provide the Czar the following: a urinating Santa Claus bourbon dispenser, new costumes for the Czar’s royal ferret guards, Swiss army tool box (frankly, the only useful thing the Swiss have done in quite a while), a Jeroboam-sized Bill Murray combo bottle opener and cutting board for the smoker, and a capybara foot warmer and ottoman combo unit.

Because this is who we are and what we do.

‘Puter’s Rant on Common Core Testing, Part Two: … Full of Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing

Thank goodness for Miss McGee, 'Puter's personal secretary, who is the only Castle employee able to calm 'Puter when he's ranting, usually with a Michael Jackson sized dose of Propofol.

Thank goodness for Miss McGee, ‘Puter’s personal secretary, who is the only Castle employee able to calm ‘Puter when he’s ranting, usually with a Michael Jackson sized dose of Propofol.

‘Puter said he felt a rant coming on. He’s pretty sure it’s here. ‘Puter’s not sure if this rant will rise to the rarified level of ‘Puter’s past epic rants, but he’ll give it his best shot.

So, where were we? That’s right. Discussing the ne’er-do-well social justice warriors running the insane asylum that is ‘Puter’s local school district and their crapweasel response to state required Common Core tests.

Why so angry, ‘Puter?

Well, ‘Puter’s in full tirade mode for a bunch of reasons. Here are a select few.

  • The SJW school board jerks* encouraged parents to violate state law by refusing required testing for their children, thereby violating their oath of office. You’re not defending the New York Constitution by encouraging parents to violate laws duly passed by the legislature and signed by the governor you’ve sworn to uphold.
  • The SJW school board jerks who believe against all evidence that the teachers’ union gives a crap about anything other than maximizing the comfort, pay and benefits of teachers regardless of impact on the students and taxpayers. Banding together with a group dedicated to enriching itself on the taxpayers’ dime(s) and perpetuating their no-fire, little-required-work lifestyle doesn’t exactly scream “It’s for the children!”
  • The SJW school board jerks who, despite clear statutes indicating otherwise, insist that refusing state required testing does not endanger state funding, which compromises nearly one-third of the district’s $110 million annual budget. It can’t be that Education Law §306(2) actually says what’s clearly written on the page: The Commissioner of Education “may also withhold from any district or city its share of the public money of the state for willfully disobeying any provision of law or any decision, order or regulation ….” ‘Puter leaves aside for the moment that Education Law §306(1) provides the Commissioner of Education with authority to remove all of the SJW school board jerks (including the superintendent) for willfully violating state law. That’s for another day, when ‘Puter’s back in a hanging mood.
  • The teacher who in front of the class who read a list of students in that class who were refusing the required testing, then asked leadingly if any of the other students would like to be included on the list, in clear violation of state law. ‘Puter’s son (who is sitting the tests) was in that class, and felt singled out. As a result, said son pressed ‘Puter and Mrs. ‘Puter to refuse testing for him. The ‘Puters refused to do so, and Mrs. ‘Puter emailed the school principal to report the shenanigans.
  • The SJW school board jerks that don’t care about the broken, divided district they’ve created, all in the name of pressing for changes to the tests primarily designed to aid the teachers, not the students. Anecdotally, ‘Puter can tell you that his son’s friends have self-divided into those whose parents refused to have them tested and those who didn’t. Nice job creating division where there was none before, asshat SJWs. Nothing screams “we’re a competent, caring school district” like purposely destroying unity to push a political agenda.
  • The teachers’ union specifically, because they’re usually at the bottom of anything that causes enormous harm to everyone except them. Any time the teachers’ union starts wailing “It’s for the children!”, hold on to your wallets. The teachers’ union has never, ever taken a stand solely for the benefit of their students. Here, the teachers’ union is incensed that student test scores may comprise fifty percent (50%) of their annual evaluations. Tough tits, Slap Radish. Welcome to the real world, the one in which the people who pay your gold-plated salary and gilt-edged benefits work.
  • Every frikkin’ member of the squadron of addlepated, intellectually stunted helicopter parents who refused testing on the theory that requiring their Precious Q. Snowflake to suffer any difficulty or sit through inconvenient tests will better prepare them for the rigors of an unforgiving and often cruel work world. ‘Puter will slake his fiery thirst on the sweet tears of your children who suffer nervous breakdowns upon experiencing failure for the first time as adults. Not quenched in your children’s schadenfreude-licious tears, ‘Puter will greedily chug down the your tears, as you dipstick helicopter parents slowly realize your singularly misinformed and dumb-assed parenting techniques created children unable to succeed in the real world.

Here’s the point in the rant when ‘Puter specifically singles out two contemptible individuals for well-earned scorn: the superintendent and the teachers’ union president. Sit back, kick off your shoes and enjoy a complimentary adult beverage from the Castle rumpus room’s well stocked mini-fridge/apothecary as ‘Puter tells you of these execrable humans.

The superintendent who picked this fight and has pressed it beyond all possible advantage is an interim superintendent. He was formerly superintendent of the district, but came out of retirement last year as a place holder while the SJW school board jerks looked for a superintendent daft enough to come to this madhouse. The superintendent has his cushy pension. He’s currently pulling down north of $200,000 annually in addition as interim superintendent. The superintendent wanted to make a political point using the students and taxpayers as unwilling participants, and now he’s leaving everyone else to clean up his mess. You, sir, are a selfish, arrogant prick with sociopathic tendencies. “Screw everyone else, I made my point,” he’ll say as the mushroom cloud rises behind him. Just the sort of hothead psychopath who should be running a multi-million dollar business to which you entrust your children and their education.**

Since it takes two to tango, you just know the superintendent had a dance partner. Enter the teachers’ union president. This gentleman is by all accounts a good teacher, but since he’s union president, he only has to teach 60% of a full time teacher’s schedule, yet receives full pay and benefits. Nice work, if you can get it. The union stooge president has taught for over 37 years, meaning he’s currently eligible to retire at nearly 70% of the average of his best three years’ salaries, until he dies. Our friendly neighborhood agitator also lives outside the district, so he feels free to shit all over it since he doesn’t eat here. Fifty percent tax increase? “Who cares, I don’t live there.” Massive state bitch-slap to the district for being law-breaking jerk monkeys? “Meh. I’ll just retire.” Ass.**

Our fantabulous duo banded together to push a political agenda to aid teachers hidden in a “do it for the children” Trojan horse. None of this is about helping children or bettering their educations. It’s all about making teachers’ lives (even) easier. For these gentlemen educators, in honor of their wise, beneficent leadership, ‘Puter has but one response.

Burn. In. Hell.

Oh, ‘Puter’s got plenty of more contempt for plenty more people, but that’s sufficient for now. Maybe after he’s recovered from his high blood pressure induced transient ischemic attacks, ‘Puter will submit a markup of the SJW school board jerks’ resolution for his readers’ amusement.

By golly, ‘Puter’s fired up today. ‘Puter may have to break early for lunch and a deserved tankard or two of Bud and Bath Salts down at the Leaping Peacock with Miss McGee.

* For purposes of this rant, please include the following individuals or groups in the definition of “SJW school board jerks”: the superintendent of schools, the school board, the teachers’ union president, certain of the district’s teachers, lunatic fringe parents convinced testing is just like TEH VACKSEENSES!!1!, and anyone and everyone else who contributed to the shit storm now enveloping ‘Puter’s tiny, local school district.

** N.B., ‘Puter sued the superintendent and the teachers’ union president after he ran for school board (and lost). ‘Puter claimed the superintendent illegally permitted the teachers’ union to use school resources to campaign against ‘Puter, to ‘Puter’s detriment. ‘Puter did not ask for a revote, though he could have, since ‘Puter’s the bigger man. The Commissioner of Education found for ‘Puter, and issued an opinion publicly shaming the superintendent for being a petty, vindictive bitch and the teachers’ union president for being a greedy, vindictive bitch. (That last part is ‘Puter editorializing about the Commissioner’s opinion, but it’s pretty accurate).

‘Puter’s Rant On Common Core Testing, Part One: A Tale, Told By An Idiot …

Dirty. Nasty. Edu-Hippies.

All that’s missing at this Fairport Central School District board of education meeting is someone screaming “Don’t take the brown acid!” and a brain damaged stoner tunelessly strumming a guitar with “This Machine Kills Fascists” scrawled on its side.

As those of you who follow us Gormogons on the Twittre* know, ‘Puter’s been madder than feminist at an Andrew Dice Clay performance at his local school district.

A relatively small but vocal group of individuals led by the superintendent and the local teachers’ union president whipped up a massive controversy over state required Common Core testing. As a result of their incessant television and radio appearances bad-mouthing the required testing, district parents refused to permit over fifty-six percent (56%) of children to sit for the exam.

Last night, after breaking state law repeatedly for weeks and months by encouraging parents to do what they themselves cannot and in the process violating their oath of office, the Fairport Central School District Board of Education bravely passed an incoherent resolution of no consequence.

“Look at us! We’re brave social justice warriors, gambling with other people’s children and money! Follow us on our jihad against The Man! It’ll be just like the 60’s all over again! Hey, man, is that Freedom Rock?”**

As all Hippies, the damnable idiots running our school district metaphorically set the schoolhouse on fire and now wring their hands while plaintively wailing about the systemic unfairness of the conflagration they purposely set.

No talent ass clowns, the lot.

Now that ‘Puter’s got a bit of his rant-y, anger-y goodness out of his system, here’s the unedited text of the board of education’s resolution.

 Resolution – Support of Strong and Well Founded Educational Practices

Fairport Central School District

The Fairport Central school District’s sole purpose is to educate every child regardless of background, socioeconomic status or any other status which society may place upon them.  In doing so we recognize the decades of education and child development research which informs the professional decisions made in carrying out this mission. The Fairport District Board of Education, duly elected and tasked with the responsibility to guide the district in the completion of its mission, having sworn, individually, to uphold the Constitution of the State of New York, guaranteeing every child an education, therefore makes the following resolution:

Whereas the current “Reform Agenda” is not based on facts that demonstrate a need for education “reform”, especially in the Fairport Central School District, and

Whereas the current “Reform Agenda” is not founded in research nor does it provide any evidence that the “reforms” sought will effectuate changes that will improve education, and

Whereas the Fairport Central School District has a history of high achievement and recognition in the arts and sciences, support for children of varying capabilities, providing myriads of opportunities in extra-curricular activities, all leading to high graduation rates and/or pursuit of post secondary instruction, and

Whereas the board has approved the hiring of professionals in all employment areas to effectuate the education of the whole child, and

Whereas each child’s potential and interest is as varied as the number of children being educated, and

Whereas the Board of Education wishes to inspire all children to exercise their inherent curiosity in whichever field they wish to pursue, providing them a solid foundation in multiple disciplines which allow them to function at the highest levels in society,

Therefore be it resolved that the Fairport Board of Education rejects the assumptions behind the current “Reform Agenda” which, if implemented, may negatively impact the success of education in Fairport, and be it further

Resolved that Fairport Board of Education questions the validity of the following specific changes recommended within the “Reform Agenda”:

  • Tying of state legally required financial support to the implementation of reforms.
  • Inappropriately tying high-stakes test results to teacher evaluations.
  • Mandating use of “independent” evaluators to assess the effectiveness of teachers.
  • Requiring teachers and administrators to recertify every 5 years, retroactively changing the terms of employment.
  • Inexplicably exempting charter schools from “reforms” intended to enhance education
  • Legislating other changes that provide no demonstrable educational value

Resolved that the Board of Education opposes the budgeting of local resources for unsound educational practices that will have the effect of diminishing education of our children, and be it further

Resolved that the Fairport Board of Education calls on like-minded individuals, professionals and organizations to support only those changes, which will positively impact the life-long education of children, and be it further

Resolved that the Fairport Board of Education will work with local educational professionals, to continuously evaluate current practices, areas needing improvement, monitor ongoing educational research and determine appropriate changes required to meet the unique needs of the Fairport Central School District, its students and the community at large.

‘Puter will comment on the resolution’s content in another post, soon forthcoming. Get ready. ‘Puter feels an epic rant forthcoming.

* ‘Puter uses the preferred English “re” ending rather than the American “er” ending because liberals irrationally believe anything foreign-sounding is superior and correct. ‘Puter does love fooling himself some liberals.

** The most dangerous people in the world are aging Hippies still convinced against all evidence that their world view would prevail, if only they tried harder.***

*** Or used the coercive power of government to force their dumb-assed plans down the craws of those who dare disagree with the Hippie SJWs’ policy preferences.