The Czar’s Guide to Pie
The Czar is by no means the biggest fan of dessert. While millions of folks bang their forks and spoons at the restauramt, screaming “Caaaaake” like a bunch of over-caffeinated seven-year-olds at a birthday party the second the waiter shows up with that little, cardboard menu, the Czar himself would be happy to shrug that off and order a decent port and a nice plate of mixed cheeses, nuts, and some thin-sliced meats. Some restaurants refer to this as a charcuterie board, but the Czar believes (a) that’s technically not charcuterie in classical French cuisine and (b) this word is ridiculously foppish.
The Czar, however, got thinking about pie this morning, and thought “what a great way to eat fruit.” The Czar, you see, is highly allergic to pectins and can only eat a limited range of fresh fruits. He can, however, eat cooked fruits. But there’s only so much apple sauce and roasted pineapple one can handle.
Pie, on the other hand, is a great way to eat fruit. There’s almost all of the benefits of fruit in pie.
Plus, if you get a light, flaky crust, you’re not pulling in as many carbohydrates as, say, cake or ice cream, or a quad-scoop sundae with extra syrup.
There are even vegan options, too, but let’s be careful here—vegans are generally awful people and universally have nothing to contribute on the subject of good eating. So we won’t bother covering their options.
The Czar thinks there are three ways to eat pie.
|Good: Fruit and crust on a nice, tidy plate.||Better: Put some whip cream on that.||Best: Put some whip cream and ice cream on that. Extra healthier if you heat the pie up first, then add the cold toppings. This is how they do it at Donna’s in Juneau, Alaska, and there’s no better (and we mean, healthier) way to do it.|
Also, he’s pretty sure there are three types of pie:
- Fruit Pies
- Banana cream
- Key lime
- Pudding Disguised As Pies
- Chocolate Cream
- French Silk
- Meat Pies
- Nobody knows what these really are
- Don’t eat them
- Head cheese
So go eat pie. If you don’t eat enough fruits and vegetables (and who does, except those funky vegans), it could just be the healthiest thing you do today.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.