‘Puter’s back. He had to go all the way down to the Leaping Peacock to get a fresh handle of scotch. We had more scotch yesterday, but Czar got an early start on celebrating Czars Day and drank the Castle’s last three casks of scotch.*
In Part Uno of this piece, ‘Puter introduced you to Kimberly Probolus, the woman whose heartfelt and totally not ideological cri de coeur shamed the NYT into instituting sex-based quotas on its daily letters page. Quotas were required in order to guarantee the letters page is vajjed-up to the appropriate level, you see.**
Since we have previously established Ms. Probolus is a godless commie ideologue, we may now move on to her most recent letter, a letter celebrating her victory over meritocracy and by extension, Whitey T. Mann, that oppressive bastard.
Ms. Probolus regales us with a personal story in her letter’s opening. As all good academics know, anecdotes are totally reliable data points and we shouldn’t question in the back of our heads whether she made the entire thing up because it’s too good to check.
In short, Ms. Probolus says this summer she was introduced to a man at a party as “the woman who wrote the letter to The New York Times about why not enough women write letters to the editor.” She claims the man proceeded to talk about why women don’t write letters to the editor and about the NYT’s hot new vaj-quota system. She tells him again she’s the letter’s author. He then understands and feels bad.
Ms. Probolus claims “the man I encountered was not the least bit arrogant, displaying a boyish giddiness toward feminism. And yet, he could not hear the small blond woman standing right in front of him.” You would be wrong to think this sounds totally made up because it is most assuredly totally not made up.
From this anecdote, Ms. Probolus gets to her real issue.
But it’s not enough to ask women to speak up: to write more letters, to raise our voices, to “lean in.” The problem is not that women aren’t speaking up. As far back as ancient Greece — when Cassandra warned the Trojans about that giant wooden horse — women have been speaking loudly and clearly. The problem is that men aren’t listening.
You see, it’s not enough that the NYT now has ill-considered quotas which force it to ignore merit in favor of genitalia. Now we are called on to force only one of the sexes to do the bidding of the other sex. Men must be made to communicate with women in the style and manner which women would like, screw them and their preferences. She goes on down Man Bashing Lane in her SJW coupe at 137 miles per hour. Surely this will end well!
Male readers of The New York Times, this is about you. You who call yourselves feminists and attend women’s marches. You who coach your daughters’ soccer teams. Yes, you are trying, but I’m struck by how spectacularly so many of you continue to fail at listening, this most basic of human skills.
It’s not women, you see. And hey, it’s sure nice that you emasculated beta male feminist are coaching your daughters and parroting the bullshit gospel of feminism. Unless you listen to women in exactly the way Ms. Probolus wants you to listen, you must be named and shamed. It’s completely impossible that Ms. Probolus has nothing of interest to say to men and thus they ignore her. Or perhaps that her hectoring and male-bashing so turns off even the progressive beta male manjina-endowed caucus that they ignore her assuming its more of the same horseshit. These thoughts never occur to her.
But how are we men to be reeducated? Will there be death camps and cattle prods and chicks in hot leather jumpsuits and no underwear? Read on.
Fortunately, there are practical strategies to help men become both better listeners and more active listeners. First, to be a good listener, stop talking. You cannot listen to her story and be present for her if you’re too busy thinking about yourself or your next brilliant comment. Second, active listening means hearing the words women are saying and taking them at face value, even if those words contradict your prior assumptions or your own agenda. Third, being an active listener means asking questions.
Huh. Let ‘Puter see if he groks your ladywords:
1. STFU. Don’t think about anything other than the line of shit she’s about to attempt to cram down your throat.
2. STFU and obey women. Jettison your own beliefs and adopt hers unquestioningly. Don’t interrupt to point out how stupid her positions are.
3. After you’ve done 1 and 2, you may speak but only to ask questions approved in advance by Ms. Probolus.
That seems about right, doesn’t it? Man, is ‘Puter smart or what? What’s next, O Great Oracle of Feminist Doctrine?
Women do not speak with one voice. We don’t all want the same things, which is why you need to ask women what they want and then respect their opinions, even, and most especially, if it means ceding some of your own power in any given situation. Practicing feminist listening is something you can start right now. Look up from your paper or screen and ask the woman across from you, “How can I be a better listener?” Listen to her, and do what she says.
Alright. Apparently, the only approved question is, “What do you want?” And the only approved response is “Yes, dear. Right away.” Give up all your power because women say so. Put her in control of your thoughts, words, and deeds. It’s interesting that this noted feminist is creating a world for men that closely resembles the world women existed in back in the 1940s. Keep quiet, look pretty, her opinions are your opinions, treat her as God. ‘Puter wonders when Ms. Probolus is going to get around to advocate beating your man if he dares get uppity.
After presenting her perfect plan for ruining male-female interaction and destroying all heterosexual relationships for a generation, could there be anything left to accomplish for our fearless Comrade Probolus? O ye of little faith. You bet there is.
This ask may seem small, but listening must be the first step toward systemic change. Members of Congress should listen to the opinions of their female constituents and prioritize the legislation that they ask for. Organizations should listen to their female employees about what policies would be most helpful to support their personal and professional flourishing, and then take active steps to enact those policies.
Wow. This is mind-blowing, world-altering work right here! How could ‘Puter have been so simple? It’s so apparent to ‘Puter now that all animals are equal, but female animals are more equal than others! Congress should prioritize women’s wishes above all other matters before them. Why? Because Ms. Probolus says so. After all, women are more equal than men.
Corporations should ignore shareholders and profits, instead turning the workplace over to women to run according to their whims. Need a menstrual day off? Sure, no problem! How about 18 years of paid leave to raise your family? Sure! No problem! After all, women are more equal than men.
“There can’t be any problems left for Ms. Probolus to solve,” you think to yourself. You’d be wrong. Follow me down the rabbit hole into the diseased, fascistic mind of a dedicated feminist.
Social media should regulate online platforms to safeguard women against harassment and to ensure that their voices are heard. Our legal system must figure out how it can listen to women, particularly in cases of rape. And it needs to respond to women whose identities exist at the intersection, listening to the nuances of what it means to be injured because one is both a woman and black, a woman and queer. Listening will not solve inequality. But progress is impossible if men can’t hear women.
Men’s free speech? F*ck it. Stupid men just abuse it anyway. Let’s deplatform and cancel the bastards! We’re going to force people to pay attention to women online! Marketplaces and robust debates are for chumps! Men have two options. First, men can accept us feminists cramming our program down their subjugated throats (which is totally not mind-raping, you sexist hater!). Or second, men can be destroyed. See? We women are offering you men choice. You get to pick!
And rights of the accused? Fuck ‘em. Due process and the presumption of innocence are archaic concepts. Show trials with predetermined outcomes are where it’s at! China and Russia are models of efficiency! Can’t you see how their justice systems benefit women? We need to replicate those here, run solely by women, of course.
Did Ms. Probolus mention men will be required to accept any old thing the LGBTQI+ community wants to foist on them, no matter how delusional or harmful? She didn’t? Well, guess what, dickheads? Either you accept completely irrational, made up shit, including gender reassignment hormone therapy for 5 year olds or you’ll be liquidated. Erm, reeducated. Definitely reeducated. Forget the whole liquidated thing.
All you idiots have to do is listen – really listen – to Ms. Probolus and she will usher in a workers’ paradise!
Do you wonder what Ms. Probolus’ capper to her totally-not-insane-plan-for-world-domination-and-oppression-of-men is? Boy, ‘Puter sure does!
Identifying and vilifying hateful, sexist men is easy. It’s a lot harder to tell the men in our lives who support us and love us unconditionally that they, too, are part of the problem. I hope that they will listen, and I hope that they will change. If The New York Times can do it, perhaps its male readers can, too.
Yay! After Ms. Probolus and her feminist death squads liquidate reeducate all the male haters and losers, it’ll be easier to force the weak beta men to obey. It’s amazing what the threat of death reeducation can accomplish!
And women? Do women have any responsibility here? Newp. Not a one. Ms. Probolus assures us that it’s all men’s fault. Women bear no responsibility for any of their actions or beliefs.
Now listen up, Ms. Probolus. ‘Puter’s got a brief response to your well thought out, totally not ripped right out of Stalin’s handbook plan. Are you ready? I want to make sure you’re listening – really listening – to what I’m about to say.
You can take your hateful, totalitarian agenda and fuck right the fuck off, you un-American bitch.
* We tell Czar that Presidents Day is Czars Day since he hates constitutional republics and loves brutal dictatorships (and himself). It’s easier than listening to Czar rant for the entire weekend about burying America while pounding his shoe on the table.
** ‘Puter does not fully (or even partially) understand what an appropriate amount of vajjing-up would be for the NYT’s daily letters page. Is there a Vaj-o-meter which measures it? So many questions.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.