Your dog is always trying to tell you things, and you’re smart enough not to listen. But if you did, do you know what your dog is saying? Dogs don’t use words like people or birds do, or even puppets, because dogs communicate with their eyes, ears, tails, left rear paw, and the fifth lumbar vertebra even. Here’s a handy guide, developed by several experts, as to reading your dog’s body language!

	This dog is telling you she’s anxious.
	This dog is confident.
	This dog doesn’t like the weather.
	This dog wants ice cream.
	Good boy! This dog sees a rabbit.
	This dog opened a CBD store.
	This dog’s ears say she’s French.

Whether your dog is anxious because of an impending storm or because your father-in-law sneaked into your apartment, smoke a couple of cigarettes while laying on the bed and trying on some of your roommate’s things, or simply because you’ve defeated the safety guard on that chainsaw, your dog’s ears, tail, and fifth intracostal space is all telling you what she’s thinking about. Maybe dinosaurs, or maglev transportation, or the crazy shit going on with Dark Matter! Who knows? Certainly not our experts.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.