Conservatives may not resort to temper tantrums (as often), vandalize private or public property, nor assume words have no consequences quite like Liberals do, but they do share an annoying trait: they can complain like anything!

The irony is that the Czar here is going to complain about complaints. So enjoy.

Complaints may make their authors feel better, or get heads nodding in sympathy, or point out some much-needed self-reflection on the part of the subjects, but the biggest mistake conservatives make is complaining just to create noise. The Czar has seen an explosion of opinion pieces, screeds, jeremiads, essays, and long-form articles from the Right over the last decade, and—unfortunately—the Czar is responding with “so what” at an increasing velocity.

Certainly a lot of complainers are being paid by the word, but if you’re trying to get your piece to do any good, as yourself “so what” before you hit the publish button.

• Tip #1: Have a plan of action.
  • “Conservatives need to take back popular culture.” Don’t write us an article listing a dozen movies and television shows that espouse D
    emocrat talking points, as if none of us are aware of how left-wing Hollywood is. Instead, provide three or four things we can do to make that happen.
  • “It’s time for the Right to change the narrative on race.” Great idea! Now, instead of listing examples of reverse racism pulled of your Google news feed, gives us a sense of how we make that change.
  • “Remind our kids why America matters!”  Let me guess: you’re tired of all the crap schools are pushing on your kids, so you write some babyfood-piece on Freedom, Liberty, and Truth, garnished with some Corbis-sourced picture of an eagle swooping on a riverbed. Are we supposed to read it to them? Probably, nearly all readers of your piece have kids who already understand this topic well. Maybe, instead, send this to your school board, your kids’ teachers, or your superintendent. Don’t waste time telling us how great this country is; we can probably talk your ears off with more examples.
• Tip #2: Don’t restate the obvious.
  • “Quarantining hurts our economy more than it helps.” And here follow 5,000 words telling the reader how being locked up in our homes for all these months is crushing numerous small businesses and cramping our style. Hint: we know. In fact, many of us have more painful examples about job loss and cash flow problems than some coffee-addled blogger who worked from home before the pandemic. Tell us something new.
  • “Dems’ economic plans involve raising taxes.” Tell us when the Dems plan to lower them. That will be worth reading.
  • “On dealing with Iran, Dem candidate is wrong.” Well, this could be newsworthy if it contains news. But if it’s just another word-filled piece about the latest Democrat rising star being totally screwed up on foreign policy, you could probably shorten your essay by editing about 50 paragraphs out of it. Guess what, writer: we know. If you can tell us how the candidate’s errors can be corrected, or how these mistakes will lead to bigger issues, we’ll read your piece. But if it’s another litany of things other Democrats have done, said, or screwed up…well, we’ve read it a dozen times before.
• Tip #3: What do you think is going to happen?
  • “Congresswoman VanMcBesky lied to her constituents again.” Well, that could be newsworthy, but so what? Do you think she’ll be removed from office? You think her overtly blue district isn’t going to vote her right back in? Will some Republican challenger be emboldened to defeat her in the next election?
  • “Social media giant is censoring conservative views.” This has been going for over 20 years, folks, and not one of them has ever admitted to wrongdoing and elected to change their views. Unless your piece is going to swing millions of subscribers to competitors or cause a massive cultural shakeup at the offender, this is probably a pointless story. Maybe turn it from a multipage essay into a 75-character tweet. Assuming it doesn’t get censored, of course.

If you believe Cicero’s old edict that good writing should be any combination of education, motivation, or entertainment, then a huge portion of conservative writing can be eliminated. There’s a lot of good stuff out there, even if you or the Czar disagrees with its premises or conclusions, but there’s just so much pointless word-wasting.

One last suggestion—let’s not call it a tip—but if you want to motivate a reader to change to your point of view, brevity is better.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.