With America’s Handsy, Demented Grandpa President’s handlers currently throwing America’s southern border open wide to all comers and creating a massive human crisis, ‘Puter decided to spend some time pondering the state of America’s immigration laws. ‘Puter determined Congress is no longer able to function as a legislative body, what with being solely dedicated to preserving cushy lifetime sinecures for incumbents by avoiding even the most remotely controversial issues. Even if the new proto-communist “progressive” Left exemplified by Sen. Stalinist Zombie Sanders and the Squad’s Che-Leaders takes over in a bloody intraparty Democrat purge, it’s unlikely to get any immigration laws passed or reformed as many Democrats actively loathe and fear them.
What to do? ‘Puter’s got no clue but he does have thoughts, which is always dangerous. Rather than have GorT take him back to the Founders’ era so he could alter the Constitution at its inception, ‘Puter thought it more fair to draft a proposed constitutional amendment on immigration for your review and comment. Oh, and if you don’t like ‘Puter’s proposal, Czar has a bag of dicks on which you may suck. No, really. Czar has an actual bag of dicks. He’s a sick bastard.
Here goes nothing.
A Proposed Thirty-Fourth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America.
Section 1. Citizenship.
a. A citizen of the United States is a person who is:
• Born in the United States to a biological parent who is a United States citizen; or
• Born anywhere else in the world to at least one biological parent who is a United States citizen provided the citizen parent:
o Receive a certificate of live birth for said child within the United States within one month of the child’s birth; or
o Register said child with a United States embassy or consulate in the foreign nation in which the child is born by providing (1) a valid original or authentic certified copy of the child’s birth certificate issued by the foreign nation of the child’s birth and (2) proof of the registering parent(s)’ United States citizenship, such as a passport; or
• Adopted by a United States citizen or citizens through a legally recognized process in both the nation of adoption and the United States and timely registered in accordance with the provisions of Section 1(b) of this Amendment; or
• Born to a parent who is a permanent resident of the United States within the United States, within the federal district, within United States territories whose residents have citizenship at the time of the child’s birth, or on United States overseas military bases.
b. For the purposes of this Section 1, a child of a noncitizen parent(s) conceived through use of reproductive technology using a United States’ citizen’s donated egg or sperm shall not qualify for treatment as a United States citizen, regardless of place of birth. Similarly, a child carried by a United States citizen surrogate for noncitizen parents shall not qualify as a United States citizen regardless of place of birth.
c. The Fourteenth Amendment hereto is expressly stated not to confer birthright citizenship. The intent of the Fourteenth Amendment is expressly stated to have been to state that slaves freed by the Thirteenth Amendment were human beings, American citizens from birth, and holders of equal rights as the American citizens of any race. Any and all laws, regulations, and judicial determinations based on incorrect interpretations of the Fourteenth Amendment are hereby declared null and void.
d. Nothing in this Section 1 shall be deemed to affect the citizenship of any United States citizen who was a citizen on or before the effective date of the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965 or any person claiming citizenship through such a person.
Section 2. Dual and Multiple Citizenship Forbidden.
a. No United States citizen shall claim or hold citizenship with any other nation or nations. The executive is commanded to determine which United States citizens hold multiple citizenships immediately after this Amendment’s effective date and at least annually thereafter. The legislature is commanded to appropriate sufficient funds for the executive to accomplish such task.
b. United States citizens determined to have multiple citizenships shall choose one and only one of the following options:
• Retain their United States citizenship only if they formally reject and renounce citizenship in any other nation(s) of which they are citizens and turn in their foreign passports and any and all other such documentation associated with such citizenships to the Department of State or its designated agent or agents.
• Forfeit their United States citizenship and keep their citizenship in any other foreign nation(s) of which they are citizens. In the event of such forfeiture, the former United States citizen shall immediately be granted permanent resident status.
• In the event any United States citizen affected by Section 2(a) is later determined to have kept, renewed, or gained new citizenship with any other foreign nation, such United States citizen shall immediately be stripped of United States citizenship, deported, and barred from reentry for any purpose whatsoever for the life of such person.
• If any United States citizen affected by this Section 3 is under the age of 18 at the time of discovery of his multiple citizenships, such person shall be permitted to retain such citizenships until the person’s 18th birthday at which time the affected person must choose in accordance with this Section’s provisions.
c. Judicial review of determinations made under this Section is permitted but is limited to only manifest errors of fact or law. Unintentional procedural errors shall not be a basis for overturning a determination of the executive.
Section 3. Illegally Present Persons.
a. Illegally present persons shall have only the following due process rights upon arrest for illegal presence:
• The right to a final, binding summary proceeding within 90 days of such person’s arrest and detention to determine the right of an allegedly illegally present person to be legally present in the United States, during which time period the person must be physically held in United States custody at a secure facility. Both the holding facility and the hearing may or may not be within the United States.
• The right to government counsel to provide a defense, which defense is limited solely to mistake of fact. For the avoidance of doubt, “mistake of fact” in this Section shall mean only “such person was in fact legally present in the United States on the date of his arrest and during the entire term of pretrial detention.” This includes the right to daily contact with such person’s counsel.
• The right to contact their home nation’s consulate to inform such nation of their arrest and seek such assistance as such nation may afford.
b. There shall be no judicial review of any proceedings conducted under this Section except for (1) manifest error of fact or (2) manifest bias. For the avoidance of doubt, it shall not be a basis for a claim of manifest bias that a hearing officer routinely decides against illegally present persons or that a significant proportion of persons deported by such hearing officer are of a certain race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender or other characteristic. Appellants must prove both that such hearing officer is biased against an individual and that such bias resulted in an erroneous decision.
c. Immediately after the required hearing and on determination such person is in fact illegally present, such illegally present person shall be immediately physically removed from the United States. The United States shall not be required to return such person to the person’s country of citizenship.
d. Any person determined to be illegally present a second time shall be permanently barred from the United States. Any person determined to be illegally present a third time or more shall be mandatorily jailed for a minimum term of 25 years without possibility of parole.
e. The provisions of this section apply to all persons illegally present, including minors. For the avoidance of doubt, no minor may be released within the United States for any reason.
f. The executive must assess the structure of immigration courts and detention facilities necessary to implement the detentions and hearings and report such proposed structure to Congress within six months of adoption of this Amendment. Congress must immediately review, approve, and fund such proposal. Congress shall not have power to alter any proposal made by the executive, only to approve it in full or reject it in toto. No federal or state court or other adjudicative body shall have jurisdiction to review the structure, function, or due process rights afforded to persons affected herein. This subsection f shall apply to all detention and hearing functions necessary under Sections 1, 2, 3, and 4 herein.
Section 4. Asylum.
a. No application for asylum may be filed within the United States including territories and possessions thereof. Any such application is void ab initio.
b. The only permissible bases for an asylum claims are if the applicant has provably suffered persecution or can prove beyond a reasonable doubt they hold an objectively reasonable fear that they will suffer persecution in their home nation due to:
• Race or ethnicity
• Membership in a particular social group
• Political opinion
c. “Membership in a particular social group” shall not include transgendered individuals or individuals with an other than heterosexual sexual orientation. Further, the executive shall be permitted to designate certain social groups and political opinions which are not permissible subjects of asylum claims including but not limited to communist revolutionaries, antisemitic groups, and polygamists. Before such listing becomes effective, it must be ratified by simple majorities of both the House and the Senate, which must conduct no other business when presented with such a list by the executive until a final vote is taken. The executive is limited to presenting one such list per presidential term. The legislature can only vote once per Congress to reject an approved list or approve the last rejected list.
d. Any person filing an asylum claim which claim is denied for either being based on a non-recognized basis or for any other reason shall be banned for reapplying for asylum for period of 10 years commencing on the date of such claim’s denial.
e. Asylum seekers from Cuba are exempt from the provisions of this Section 4 and Section 3 above. Such individuals may remain in the United States while their claim for asylum or other legal immigration status are adjudicated. However, such persons must stay with a sponsoring United States citizen who shall be responsible for all such applicant’s upkeep including but not limited to food, shelter, and medical care.
Section 5. Familial Relationship Based Immigration; Temporary Protected Status; Refugees.
a. Effective immediately upon adoption of this Amendment and retroactive to January 1, 2020, no person shall be granted entrance to the United States, permanent residency, or citizenship based upon the citizenship or legal immigration status of a family member. Any pending applications for such status shall be void. Any applications granted on or after January 1, 2020 shall be revoked and such person given 90 days to leave the country.
b. Excepted from the provisions of Section 5(a) shall be: spouses and children of the United States citizen or foreign national holding legal immigration status. “Spouses and children” under this subsection shall mean spouses and children at the time of the United States citizen or foreign national holding legal immigration status achieves such status, not after.
c. Congress shall make no law, and the executive is without authority, to create or continue the Temporary Protected Status program or any and all programs granting legal residency and/or legal work status to foreign nationals based on natural or manmade disasters.
d. Congress may define the scope of who qualifies for refugee status with approval of the executive. However, refugee status shall require the existence of an active state of war in a foreign nation as agreed by three-quarters of the House of Representatives and two-thirds of the Senate and be limited solely to individuals directly affected by such was, again as agreed by the same margins in the House and Senate. Refugee status shall last only so long as either (1) Congress continues such status annually, but such continuation or termination shall only require simple majorities of each house or (2) the state of war giving rise to such refugee status declaration continues as determined by the foreign nation or nations at war, whichever shall first occur.
Section 6. Retroactivity; Miscellaneous.
a. The provisions of this amendment shall be retroactive to January 1, 1970.
b. In the event these provisions would render a current United States citizen a noncitizen because such person’s parent, grandparent, or great-grandparent would not be a citizen hereunder, the provisions of this amendment shall work only a revocation of the citizenship of the original person or persons through whom such descendant would claim citizenship.
c. The exception contained in Section 6(b) shall expressly not apply to people claiming citizenship through their or an ancestor’s birthright citizenship where neither parent at the time of the person’s birth was a United States citizen.
d. Nothing in this amendment shall be construed to remove citizenship from persons granted citizenship by acts of Congress. This exception is expressly limited to acts of Congress granting citizenship to citizens of territories and possessions of the United States which existed on or before January 1, 2021.
Section 7. Judicial Review, Appeals.
a. Unless otherwise specifically provided herein, there shall be no judicial review or other appeal of proceedings authorized or required under this Amendment whether by state courts, federal courts, or any other judicial or quasi-judicial entity.
b. In the event judicial review or appeal is permitted hereunder, disparate impact analysis or any similar statistical method of proof is expressly not permitted. An appellant must prove actual bias or manifest error in the case at hand.
c. The standard for any permitted judicial review or appeal is “beyond a reasonable doubt.”
d. No court shall be permitted to stay deportation or removal of or grant admission of any individual pending appeal. The appellant must leave or remain outside the country pending results of the appeal.
e. If a review or appeal is resolved in appellant’s favor, the United States shall pay the full cost of appellant’s repatriation plus appellant’s reasonable and necessary attorney’s fees and costs plus liquidated damages in the amount of $500 per day for each day after deportation and before repatriation, which $500 amount shall be indexed to inflation.
f. Either the government or the affected individual may appeal a determination if judicial review is permitted.
g. Class actions or other group aggregations are expressly forbidden.
Section 8. Ratification.
a. This Amendment must be ratified by the States on or before 15 years after its submission to the States for ratification.
b. Congress shall not be permitted to extend the date for ratification beyond this date.
c. The Supreme Court shall have mandatory original jurisdiction over determination of the ratification date only insofar as necessary to calculate the proper ratification deadline date and to enforce such date strictly. Any such case brought under this Section 8 must be immediately heard by the Supreme Court which must come back into session to hear such case within thirty days of such case’s filing. The Supreme Court may conduct no other business until such case or cases is finally determined and a decision and order entered of record.
d. Once the Supreme Court has issued a final decision and order expressly determining the proper ratification deadline date, no further cases on such matter may be filed. Should such cases be filed, the Supreme Court may dismiss them immediately and take such disciplinary actions against any individuals or attorneys involved in such filings, including but not limited to monetary penalties and disbarment from practice before any federal court of the United States.
e. State courts and any non-Article III courts are wholly without jurisdiction to make any determination regarding the ratification deadline or its effects.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.