‘Puter’s Travel Guides: New York State Geography For Dummies
Shamelessly stolen from Buzzfeed, here is all you need to know about New York State. Please memorize these two simple lessons before coming to New York. Better, please memorize these two lessons before saying anything remotely related to New York geography.
Lesson One: New York State is enormous, and New York City is one tiny little part of the state, far, far away from Buffalo (372 miles), Rochester (333 miles), Syracuse (246 miles), Utica/Rome (240 miles) and Albany (150 miles). As ‘Puter’s told his law school’s alumni relations office, please quit inviting ‘Puter to New York City receptions, as ‘Puter’s home in Rochester’s suburbs is farther away from New York City (333 miles) than St. Louis is from Chicago (297 miles). Minds. Blown.
Lesson Two: Upstate New Yorkers consider Upstate New York to begin in the Mid-Hudson Valley, usually in a town where the vast majority of residents aren’t commuting daily to New York City.
Lesson Two (Corollary): Downstate New Yorkers consider Upstate New York to begin somewhere just North (or West) of where they live. ‘Puter had an attorney located on Long Island refer to Yonkers as Upstate. A gentleman ‘Puter knows from Manhattan considers anything off the island Upstate. These people are bad and wrong.
If you learn these lessons and take them to heart, ‘Puter will not have to open a can of whoop-ass on you as you will not make rookie mistakes about New York State geography. They still haven’t found the last person who made such an error, but only because the snow hasn’t melted yet.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.