That’s not the diplomatic pouch to which ‘Puter referred, Operative ML. Now put it down!

Actually, this mailbag’s about the Zimmerman verdict and self-defense law. ‘Puter just enjoys revving up the humorless shrew wing of the gay lobby by linking ‘Puter’s posting of email responses with pictures of homosexuals dressed (barely) in all manner of stereotype reinforcing clothing. Also, looking for Pride Parade photos gives ‘Puter ideas for his attire for “Come As Your Favorite Village Person” Night at the Leaping Peacock.

Gormogon operative ML sent ‘Puter the following missive tattooed on the buttocks of ritually shorn rhinoceros:

Eminent ‘Puter,

You write:

“In ‘Puter’s opinion, Florida’s Stand Your Ground Law merely codifies common law self-defense”

The trouble with this interpretation is that the SYG law doesn’t merely codify common law self-defense…it specifically states that in a place where one is lawfully present, one does _not_ have a duty to retreat.

It could be argued that “duty to retreat” only includes “reasonable” options for retreat, and under “reasonable” circumstances…except that in the absence of laws like this, “reasonable” is too often defined in practice as “whatever a mad-dog prosecutor facing a tough election thinks he can argue that you might hypothetically have done which might possibly have avoided causing injury or inconvenience to the criminal who was attacking you, without regard to any supposed ‘right’ you might have to defend your life, your safety, your family, or your property”.

Who, after all, is to say that you don’t have a duty to retreat in (or from) your home, or your business, or your car…unless the legislature steps in to do so? Indeed, you yourself appear to make this exact argument later in the post: “if one can safely retreat, it is patently unreasonable to use deadly force”.

If even the writings of such an eminently honest, honorable, and reasonable entity as yourself can so easily be read as asserting that anyone whose willingness to abandon his lawful affairs, his honestly-acquired property, and potentially even his loved ones, is determined (ex post) to be insufficient is presumptively guilty…how are we seriously expected to trust the judicial system’s definition of “reasonable” to match a reasonable person’s definition thereof?

It’s always nice to hear from ML, especially when he takes the time to write in from his secret mission to find Czar a new source of Seaborgium briquettes for Czar’s grill. Czar hates waiting for charcoal to be ready, and he hates the flavor of propane even more. Seaborgium provides Czar’s manticore steaks and Chthonic kebabs just the right sear with an added touch of carcinogenic high-energy alpha particle radiation for the slow burn. Stop by the Castle’s commissary when you’re visiting, and maybe Czar will treat you to a taste.

Anyway, back to self-defense. ‘Puter’s opinion, as distinguished from the opinion of many, many other people on this topic, is one always has a duty to retreat under a reasonable person standard, regardless of what this statute says.  In order to completely do away with the duty to retreat, Florida would have to rewrite its laws on justifiable homicide to remove any and all references to reasonableness. Where an avenue of escape (outside one’s home) is available to a person, one always has the duty to avail one’s self of such avenue prior to utilizing deadly forces. ‘Puter would argue that one’s duty is even greater where one has allegedly instigated the confrontation leading to the necessity for application of deadly force.

All criminal matters are ex post facto determinations of “facts” hazily remembered or misremembered by defendants who are always slanting the truth to get out of hot water and victims who are also slanting the truth for their own reasons. Lawyers then select the most easily led jurors they can, provided the jurors seem to be sympathetic to their clients. The reasonable person standard is horrible, but all the others are worse.

That said, ‘Puter does agree that the duty to retreat is a much-abused doctrine, both by prosecutors and defense in criminal proceedings.  Also, ‘Puter notes that the Stand Your Ground law had absolutely no bearing in his analysis of the Zimmerman case because under common law and also under ‘Puter’s opinion of the Stand Your Ground statute, Zimmerman had no duty to retreat.  Zimmerman had no reasonable avenue of escape open to him as he was grabbed by Martin.

So, thanks for writing in! ‘Puter is dropping a few new pairs of lead lined underwear in the diplomatic pouch this evening for Operative ML. Wait in the usual place. The pouch will be on the fourth dolphin arriving after the manatee. 

See y’all soon!

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.