Urgent: Citizens Storm Washington
By ‘Puter Gormogon
Associated Press Wannabe
WASHINGTON (AP) — Throngs of Americans descended upon Washington today, demanding the resignation of President Obama and all 535 members of Congress.
Armed with nothing more than copies of the United States Constitution, and accompanied by a 150-foot inflatable replica of their mascot, Hello Kitty, demonstrators converged on the National Archives building (pictured, right).
After numerous impromptu speeches on the Archives’ steps, most focused on various alleged Constitutional violations of the current administration, cries of “Hello Kitty has no mouth, yet she screams for justice!” and “Long live the Constitution!” echoed amidst the stately buildings. It is not clear what the demonstrators’ next steps will be.
Robert Gibbs, President Obama’s Press Secretary, commented that “[t]he protesters are stupid, silly people. They don’t realize that the Obama Administration, comprised of the Smartest People on Earth™ knows what’s best for them and their families. They should return home to their dingy, Delta lives, and await for us to deliver them to the warm womb of government dependency.” As Press Secretary Gibbs walked away, he spat angrily, “Stupid Deltas. How dare they challenge the supremacy of The One?”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, reached at her plastic surgeon’s office, noticed that some of the protesters looked hungry, and stated, “Let them eat cake.”
Senate Majority Leader Reid’s office repeatedly called AP’s offices to offer comment, but the AP Stylebook refuses to source to dead men walking.
Further updates as they become available.
*Shout out to Joe Tetreault for the excellent Hello Kitty picture.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.