On Thursday evenings, the denizens of Castle Gormogon retire to the conservatory after dinner for a relaxing evening of instrumental and vocal music. Your Volgi busts out his Fender Stratocaster, Mandarin plays the pan flute, GorT plays an 27th century harmonic convergence modulator, Czar plays either his balalaika or Sleestak’s head, and ‘Puter plays an upside-down five gallon pickle bucket with a rock.
This week, your Gormogons determined that their favorite government agency, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (and now with Explosives, too!), needed a theme song. ‘Puter hastily scrawled the following in crayon and deer blood on a ripped Olde English 800 malt liquor label. Sung to the tune of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music, transposed to D minor and sung up the octave.
Hollow point ammo
And Sig Sauers in holsters
Three fingered rocks glasses
Of Jim Beam on coasters
Cuban maduros whose
Smoky haze clings
These are a few of our favorite things!
Unfortunately, that’s as far as ‘Puter got before he passed out from a bit too much of Mandarin’s absinthe. Czar’s already submitted our lyrics to BATFE’s deputy director Kenneth E. Melson, who’s in charge of responding to submissions in the agency’s suggestion box.
‘Puter can’t wait for a reply!
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.