Re: Music Night
Gormogon operative BR, crawling to the surface of a dark, Scottish loch, submits the following proposed ending to ‘Puter’s unfinished paean to BATFE:
Betting the ponies and tall supermodels
Dark beers and stouts in glasses and bottles
Wild geese that die when shot on the wing
These are a few of my favorite things
Baby back ribs and GOP bashes
A great running game with NFL passes
Fine ales and lagers from Colorado’s springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When taxes rise
When the DOW sinks
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad
While not wholly on point with the BATFE theme, it does justice to many of ‘Puter’s favorite things. If other operatives wish to submit their attempts, ‘Puter will do his best to post the best of the lot.
Now off to waterboard Sleestak until he reveals where Mandarin hides his absinthe.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.