Howdy there, Mr. Puter.
Reading your plan for health care reform, I wonder if you been hittin’ the bottle a little bit early today? Surely you don’t think all our political class would take leave of their senses all at once. Oh sure, your plan might lead to lower costs, increased choices, less federal regulation, and maybe even a pony for every smiling child.
But there ain’t no chance in hell our betters would do anything that lessens their ability to tell us what to do and how. After all, if they can’t tip the scales in whichever way that suits ’em, however will they extract goodies from lobbyists? You don’t think Tom Daschle got that cush job and free limo just because of his winning personality…do you? Nah, he “earned” it, albeit slowly, and as he amassed power, I’ll bet he racked up lots and lots of favors owed him. Not that he’s alone. Anybody seen Trent Lott and his plastic hairpiece lately?
yours from the Doublewide,
‘Puter thinks JAB’s got it about right. ‘Puter’s plan’s so effective at cutting Washington out of the money, there’s no way it’ll pass. That, and ponies are very expensive. Unless, of course, ‘Puter were to steal Mandarin’s My Little Pony Pony Replicator. It’s truly a curse being correct all the time.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.