Tearing open the mail bag, we find:
|Dread Sovereigns, et cetera:
Query from the local field office:
Do the two Nigerian guys get counted as “violence by immigrants”, or “doing jobs Americans won’t do”, or both…?
Yours with dread terror, etc.
Neither: they are American citizens.
There are two investigations going right now regarding Mr. Smollet: the Chicago one, which is going into a grand jury in preparation for a criminal charge against him, and a federal investigation regarding his use of self-threatening letters. We have no update, at present, on the federal one. This is either because (a) the FBI is waiting to see what Chicago does, or more probably (b) since there was no real threat here, they’ll probably just drop it as a waste of time, and not refer it for federal charges.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.