‘Puter’s Travel Guide to Scotland
‘Puter recently traveled to Scotland. It is truly a beautiful country, full of history, and brimming with decent beer. As a public service to our readers, ‘Puter’s put together this handy list of things everyone who visits Scotland should know before arriving.
- Not everyone in Scotland is named Scott. ‘Puter learned this after calling a bunch of women at the pub Scott, and being met with an incomprehensible tangle of allegedly English words and a flurry of fists.
- The Scottish unit of currency is the haggis. Scottish establishments will also accept the ear of one’s enemy, which is roughly equivalent to 1.2 British pounds.
- Scottish grocery carts (or, as they call them, Fergus MacGregors) have four independently moving wheels. One can walk sideways with them down the aisles. One ought be careful so doing, however, lest one find one’s self followed around the local Tesco at 22:00 by a local policewoman, as ‘Puter found out.
- Hen parties (bachelorette parties) are out of hand. In the Edinburgh airport Clan ‘Puter was treated to three separate groups of “ladies” headed for various warmer locales. One of the brides-to-be proudly displayed everything God gave her in a skin tight leopard print unitard and no apparent undergarments of any type. Much spillage. Very side bewb. Mrs. ‘Puter was not amused by Tablet and my ogling.
- Corollary to the above: Do not tell your wife she, too, could wear a leopard print unitard with no underwear to the airport and get the same treatment. And never, ever suggest it would make it easier for her to get through security.
- Corollary to the above corollary: Hen party brides-to-be seem to assemble a cohort of not nearly as attractive comrades to be in the wedding party.
- In Scotland, Catholics and Protestants spent centuries destroying each other and their creations. It did not work out well for anyone involved.
- The Jolly Judge just off the Royal Mile in Edinburgh is a great pub.
- Yes, the wind is always honking off the ocean directly across the links at St. Andrews. ‘Puter also assumes the temperature hovers around 38 degrees there year round as well. Scottish people are undeterred by the weather and will stroll the beach while being blasted with sand commenting on how delightful the day is.
- Scotland has one snow plow. ‘Puter saw it heading north on the M9 closely followed by a grit/salt truck. ‘Puter assumes they were fleeing an unruly mob hell-bent on destroying them for the crap job of snow removal they do.
- Driving on the left is more of a suggestion than a hard and fast rule.
- Scottish people can consume more alcohol in one sitting than any other group of people ‘Puter’s ever seen. ‘Puter very much enjoyed this attribute of the Scots.
- Scottish cuisine involves meat, offal, and maybe some root vegetables on the side. The cuisine is washed down with scotch or beer. You will not encounter green vegetables or water in your travels. Bring your favorite constipation remedy. You’ll thank ‘Puter.
- The Fife accent makes ‘Puter giggle.
- Scotland’s national identity is really, really wrapped up in its military history, which history, to be fair, is awesome.
- World War I killed a whole lot of Scots and there are memorials everywhere. There was one in the parish church where Clan ‘Puter attended Easter Mass.
- Scots are pasty and white, just like people in Rochester where ‘Puter lives. ‘Puter felt right at home.
Scotland’s a great place to visit. The country’s beautiful and the people are genuinely nice. ‘Puter highly recommends it as a travel destination.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.