Of Philosophers and Priests, Communism Beatdown Edition
Filthy Boomer hippies worship murderous, freedom-killing commies like Che Guevara. Or is this George Clooney? Hard to tell, really.
‘Puter was pleasantly surprised at Mass last Sunday. ‘Puter fully expected some namby-pamby, feel good take on the First Reading along the lines of “MUH COMMUNISM IZ TEH BESTIST!!!1!” from one of his parish’s priests.
Here’s the reading in questions for your edification (Acts 4:32-35):
The community of believers was of one heart and mind, and no one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they had everything in common. With great power the apostles bore witness to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great favor was accorded them all. There was no needy person among them, for those who owned property or houses would sell them, bring the proceeds of the sale, and put them at the feet of the apostles, and they were distributed to each according to need.
Imagine ‘Puter’s surprised when Fr. McFormerbarristerenglishman launched into a stemwinder about the evils of Karl Marx, communism generally, and their perversion of the biblical exhortation to communally share with others.
‘Puter was rapt (mind you, this was around 07:50 Sunday morning) as the priest denounced Marx for creating a corrupt ideology that slaughtered millions. ‘Puter’s priest pulled no punches, directly disabusing the Boomer hippies in the pews of any notion that communism was ordained by God, as they are wont to claim.
‘Puter’s priest pointed out the fundamental evil of communism (versus the communalism described in the Acts passage) is the destruction of free will and property rights. ‘Puter found himself nodding along, and had to restrain himself from standing and applauding at the end of Father’s homily.
Mass is always good. Sometimes, Mass is great.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.