The Czar has spent roughly $473,843 over the last 20 years taking his foursome to see Marvel movies at the theater. The Czar realized Saturday that Spider-Man: Homecoming appeared in theaters this weekend, and took the family to see it Sunday. Of course, the Царица paid for the tickets…and come to think of it, she drove there and back, so it’s probably a stretch to say the Czar took them. She even bought popcorn, so really, this is all on her.

What is this movie about?

About two-and-a-half hours.

Does the plot of the movie involve homecoming?

Definitely. In fact, the entire movie revolves around the homecoming dance. First, Spider-Man has to work up the courage to ask this one girl to the dance, and then he has to get a tux, and then he has to weigh getting a limo versus using Uber as a ride, and then there’s the whole bit about going as a group or just going as a couple. High school is rough.

Where does the dramatic tension originate?

Well, okay, this should sound familiar: two days before the homecoming dance, Spider-Man is asked by his manager at Petco if he can work the weekend as there’s a really big shipment of hamsters coming in, and they need all hands. The manager, played by Jack Black, understands this is the weekend, and so offers to pay Spider-Man triple overtime. So now does Spider-Man go to the dance and lose out on the money, or does he take the money and blow off the dance? This is real heavy teenage stuff, man.

Is Iron Man in this movie?

He helps Spider-Man decide about the “go-as-a-group” or “go-as-a-couple” thing, because it turns out (spoiler warning!) that if they get an Uber, you really can’t fit a bunch of people in there. So ultimately it comes down to whether they go with the limo or the Uber. The Czar will not reveal the fate of that cliffhanger.

What other homecoming elements are in there?

Naturally, the football team utterly blows it in the fourth quarter, so everyone is a bit bummed about that. And the organizer of the homecoming is this total fascist, so everybody hates her.

Was the movie at all realistic?

Perfectly: in fact, the only time the kids all danced on the dance floor was when they played music from the 1950s or the 1980s. Everytime the DJ would play something from the 1990s, the kids would get all mopey and go stand along the walls, and it was refreshing to see so many Gen Zers act indifferently toward disco. In the 1970s, everyone hated disco; now, suddenly, all the 30-to-50-year-olds are dancing to it like it was the greatest thing ever. Sure, it was better than the dubstep shit the DJs try to play today, but disco remains bottom-feeding music. Thank goodness for the 1980s.

I’m not following you, there, Czar.

That’s not a question.

Where does this movie fit into the Marvel framework?

Just after the last one, and immediately before the next one.

Is Michael Keaton any good?

Yes, he plays the school principal, Richard Vernon, who is so totally out of it that he wears a twill beige jacket over a black dress shirt with wide collar. Eventually, they run amok in the library instead of writing an essay about who they think they are. It turns out that Claire feels she’s living out someone else’s expectations of her, Andrew fears he’s as dumb as everyone thinks, Bender lives in a horrible home, Allison is a pathological liar, and Brian was so terrified of getting a bad grade, he contemplated suicide. Bender raises his fist in solidarity with the others as he crosses the football field. Then he is killed by the Green Goblin.

Will there be a sequel?

Yes, Paul Gleason will return to become Venom.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.