My Fellow Americans, I humbly accept the office of the presidency of the United States. I thank each of you for your trust, and will work hard to prove myself worthy of it.
America, we have heard you. We *will* make America great again.
I will do my part as our nation’s Executive. I know my friends in Congress, Speaker Ryan and Majority Leader McConnell, share our goal, and I look forward to working with them in the years ahead.
We will rebuild our military, ridding it of all things not absolutely required for its sole purpose, fighting wars. We will be clear eyed about who our enemies are. We stand ready to defend America and its allies around the globe. None should doubt or test our resolve. If I am called upon by Congress to send our nation to be war, I will issue one standing order: win.
Yet we will also rely on diplomacy to make our case and press our interests across the globe. Our foreign policy will be “no greater friend, no worse enemy.” We will take nations and their proxies at their word, and we will respond accordingly.
Together, we can and we will better the lives of all Americans, but we will have a special focus on those for whom hope is nothing more than a politician’s broken promise.
We will encourage businesses to bring jobs to the jobless, whether in the inner cities, or the Rust Belt, or mining towns, or the oil patch. We will cut the regulations that have strangled our businesses for decades, freeing our economic engine to roar back to life.
We will make your neighborhoods safer. We will aggressively prosecute criminals of all types, whether civilian or in uniform. We will reform unjust sentencing guidelines. We will ensure the accused have competent counsel. We will ensure prisoners are housed humanely and are free from abuse.
We will fulfill the broken promise of a free and excellent education system for all. From Chicago to Appalachia, from Charlotte to Seattle we say to you your children are not forgotten. Your children are important. They will receive the education we have promised them, and nothing will get in our way.
We will restore a constitutional form of government. Congress will legislate, and I will execute its laws. I will undo unconstitutional executive orders, and Congress will rein in abusive agency rules.
We will require federal agencies to obey their enabling statutes. If agencies exceed their authority, we will cancel their illegal programs and fire the employees involved. We will remind our government workers that government service is a privilege, not an entitlement.
What we will not do is tolerate any violation of Americans’ constitutional rights, whether voting rights, marriage rights, abortion rights, speech rights, firearm rights, or religious rights. And we will pare away existing government infringements on these rights, this I promise you.
We have much work to do together. Let’s get to it.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.