The Czar arrived at the school on election day, and noticed kids wearing buttons, hats, and shirts supporting the SJW, and we estimate at least two hundred dollars was spent by her mom. The Czar finds it quite clear that the mom must have lost an election in Eighth Grade, and is determined that her daughter win at all costs. Another dad agreed with us, and quietly mentioned that the daughter takes all her liberal pet causes from mom. Basically, it’s mom’s presidency and the daughter is just the figurehead. Pathetic, yet completely believable.
The Цесаревич delivered an impressive speech on leadership and responsibility, winning tremendous applause. The next two candidates mumbled through their speeches and avoided any discussion of what they would do.
Finally, the SJW girl walked up to the podium, and in an utterly awful echo of Napoleon Dynamite, played a ukulele to a reworded pop song about herself.
She won, of course, because today’s parents are not doing a very good job of instilling leadership. Neither the Czar nor the Цесаревич are disappointed, really—the boy is so busy with other activities that the presidency would be one more thing keeping him at school far too late. And to be fair, the results were extremely close. He almost won, but as he turned in for the night, he said “I lost to a kid with a ukulele,” followed by a sigh.
That’s about it.
Oh, and by the way, none of you asked about this. We made that up. Punishments to follow.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.