Operative BJ reminds the Czar why the latter so hates traveling by air. Honestly, at this point, you would rather discover your air plans consisted of ‘Puter wearing a hard hat at the edge of a cliff while sporting large cardboard wings than to go through TSA.

Great and Mighty Czar,

Today we learned that TSA screeners have been laughing at our xray images. This minion is not surprised at all. This minion also suggests abolishing the TSA and putting airport security back in the hands of the airports.

But I have yet another suggestion.

Recent airborne incidents have been prevented by the passengers themselves. It appears that they – the passengers – are becoming tired of being targets and are beating up on those who try to disrupt a normal flight. This is well and good, and as it should be. Nobody should go meekly to their own demise.

We also know that all cockpit doors are now reinforced and locked during flight, and most are bulletproof. This provides significant protection to the cockpit crew, and enables them to control the aircraft despite fights and threats from the cabin.

Let’s put the two together, shall we? A reinforced cockpit door that prevents the pilot and crew from harm. Passengers who would rather beat up someone who threatens them than to stand by as sheep.

Here’s the suggestion: If the passengers on a flight eliminate an actual threat to their lives, whether that threat is a weapon, bomb, or other mechanism, give each passenger on the flight a free pair of round-trip tickets to anywhere in the world. Thus, the businessman can take his wife to Tahiti, the college student can go to Europe, and grandma can go to Disneyland Everyone on the flight is rewarded for preventing an airborne incident.

Of course, if those same passengers beat up on an innocent individual, they would and should be charged appropriately.

With passengers looking out for each other and with full knowledge that they would be rewarded for “doing the right thing” – and advertising this new policy very loudly around the world – the airlines would be far safer than they are today. Terrorists are, for the most part, cowards: they hope to take their action and either die or run away without being caught if the attack fails. Let’s let them know that they will fail AND have the snot beaten out of them as well.

Then, the gate security agent can say things like “Sir, you don’t have to take off your shoes any more”, and “Of course you can take your Swiss Army knife with you”. We still use a metal detector: after all, we really don’t want someone to board a plane with a loaded .45 caliber 1911 handgun. But that box cutter is no longer a threat: Bubba and Santino have the “ok” to disarm a perpetrator – with the airline’s thanks.

Me? I just want to arrive at my destination safely, and I’d rather trust Bubba and Santino with my safety in the air than a TSA agent who’s laughing at my xray image on the ground.

Your faithful, fearless, and fully-dressed minion.

Actually, the Czar addressed how to fix the TSA in one step back in 2010, and he still stands by it.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.