Hey J-School grads! News has been bogged down lately. Here are some golden ideas for you to write stories on, based of course on your typical templates and antics. Have at it!

Remember when you violated Michele Bachmann’s legal right to have her personal health information kept private and revealed her migraine medication, claiming that she took heavy drugs to fight off a medical inability to handle stress? Do it again—find some picture of her at age 8 dressed as a witch for Halloween, and say something like “Photos show young Bachmann dressed in traditional witch’s garb participating in ancient pagan ritual.” Keep repeating that, even though in the story you clarify it was just a Halloween costume. Since nobody reads your crap past line three, your disclaimer won’t be remembered.

Even though the Senate Democrats have failed to execute their Constitutional responsibility to pass a federal budget in 816 days (and technically could be impeached for this ongoing failure), be sure focus on the GOP. Say things like “Republicans continue to block attempts to prevent the country from going into default,” even though they are technically blocking Democrat attempts to raise taxes in a downward spiralling economy.

Hey, did you know that Governor Rick Perry shot a coyote menacing his daughter’s dog? True, he pulled out a .380 automatic and shot a coyote. Be sure to ridicule this a lot, since there is a good chance that he could demolish Obama in an election. Say something like “Gov. Perry slaughters member of dog family with pistol in front of daughter.”

Yeah, Amy Winehouse—a total moron who took horse tranquilizers—killed herself. Be sure to write up how the entertainment industry is shocked and saddened by the loss, how they question if they might, somehow, be to blame, and how this tragedy could spark a change in the partying and drug abuse endemic to the culture…just as you do every three months when a celebrity croaks after a self-inflicted bender.

Be sure to write up stories about the Norway tragedies, and how the world is astonished that such a tragedy could happen even in sleepy, peaceful, idyllic Norway. Make no attempt to disguise the fact that it is you, the media, who are actually shocked by this, because the average American understands that horror can happen absolutely anywhere. Yes, J-school grad, it is you who naively thought that gun crime can only happen in America. Also, be sure to omit any mention of the Oslo bombing since it conflicts with your pro-Islamic narrative. Focus only on the crazy lunatic, and be sure to ask what his motive could possibly be. Make references to the Arizona shooting, and mention how Sarah Palin might have been the cause of that.

But do not ever write an incomprehensibly bizzare headline if you want to be taken seriously. Fortunately, a major outlet would never do anything that dumb.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.