Volginization
Şɵ ʛøɾŤ שׂɾɨʈēʂ ʊק ʈħɨʂ ɳēשׂ קɨēçē øʄ ʂøʄʈשׂăɾē ħē ɕăɭɭʂ ɤøɭğɨɳɨʑēɾ, שׂħɨçħ ʈɾăɳʂʄøɾɱʂ ўøʊɾ ʈēϰʈ ʈɵ ɭøøк ɭɨкē ʂøɱēʈħɨɳğ ʈħē ɤøɭğɨ ɱɨğħʈ ħăɤē שׂɾɨʈʈēɳ. Ťħē ʂøʄʈשׂăɾē ɨʂ קɾēʈʈў ɳēăʈ; ʈħē ɕʑăɾ ɾăɳ ɨʈ ħēɾē, ăɳɖ ɨʈ ɭøøкʂ קɾēʈʈў ğøøɖ.
Ťħēɾē ɨʂ ăɭʂɵ ăɳøʈħēɾ øקʈɨøɳ, שׂħɨçħ ʛøɾŤ ɕăɭɭʂ “ɤēɾɓăɭɨʑăʈɨøɳ ɱøɖē.” ɨʈ ʈăкēʂ ўøʊɾ øɾɖɨɳăɾў ɤøçăɓʊɭăɾў ăɳɖ ēϰקăɳɖʂ ɨʈ ʈɵ ɱăʈçħ ɤøɭğɨ’ʂ, ʂɵ ўøʊ שׂɨɳɖ ʊק שׂɨʈħ שׂøɾɖʂ ɭɨкē “ɨăʈɾøğēɳɨç”, “ʂʊɓēɾɨç”, ăɳɖ “øɳʈøɭøğɨçăɭ”. שׂē ēɭēçʈēɖ ɳøʈ ʈɵ ʊʂē ɨʈ ħēɾē.
שׂɨʈħ ăɳў ɭʊçк, ʂɨɳçē ɨʈ øɓɤɨøʊʂɭў שׂøɾкʂ, ʛøɾŤ ɕăɳ ʂēɭɭ ɨʈ ɔɨʂçɵ øɾ ɱɨçɾøʂøʄʈ ʄøɾ ă ɕøøɭ ɕøʊקɭē ɱɨɭɭɨøɳ.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.