’Puter’s quite the ladies’ man, even if he usually drags them off like a robot in a ’50s B-movie. Still, he has feelings, and doubtless he’s crushed to learn that his prom date* was two-timing him with Matt Labash.

So if you see a hulking fiend weeping like a tween who has just accurately calculated the odds of her actually meeting Justin Bieber, give him a Kleenex. Or run far, far away.

* Not, Confucius hastens to add, his estimable Prom Date, the revelation of whose identity would open up whole realms of madness to the uncomprehending.

Confucius, Œc. Vol.

Don’t ask impertinent questions like that jackass Adept Lu.