Sometimes the reader might be inclined to forget that the Gormogons are behind most weird world events—some of them make sense only to us. Yes, it is all an ingenious conspiracy theory. What you may not realize is our craft for the meta-conspiracy: most of the lunar conspiracy theories you hear, we invented. Largely to throw off the press, lull the gullible, or entertain ourselves.

Once in a while, an event happens that is so weird, we forget whether we had anything to do with it or not. And it makes us nervous.

Take a news story from 2007, in which a 17-year-old Brazilian day laborer, Rosana Nascimento, was murdered in a voodoo-like ritual by her boss at a telemarketing firm. We had nothing to do with that sad tragedy, rest assured.

But then three years later, in fact only a few days ago, this dude tweets about it, with no explanation.

But so what. Then, the Czar gets an email from someone at that same telemarketing firm with the words sessenta e dois. 62? What the hell does that mean?

So the Czar takes another look. He looks at the tweet, which references the strange URL http://goo.gl/fb/kgED. FBKGED. Hmm. If you assign each of those letters a number, you get 6-2-11-7-5-4. 62. And 11,754.

If you multiply those two numbers, you get 728,748. At first, that didn’t mean anything to the Czar.

Remember the victim’s age was 17, and 1+7 = 8. And 62 to the eighth power is 221,121,191,213,518.

And if you substitute letters of the alphabet for those numbers, you unsurprisingly get VALKILMER.

Now, 11,754 makes sense. That number is the product of 12 times 31 times 1,959. 12/31/1959 is whose birthday, exactly?

The Czar recommends you sleep with a gun in your hand tonight. And if you hear any sound in the house—any sound at all—shoot randomly into any dark corner of your bedroom.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.