The Czar, on behalf of the billions of Gormogon members worldwideand in particular Confucius (your Œcumenical Volgi), Ghettoputer, the Mandarin, and GorTechieshall wish for you a very happy new year…even if for you, personally, 2009 was an awesome year, we wish that 2010 will be even better. And if you, like millions of others, found 2009 to be a terrible year, we hope that 2010 is the year that turns the corner for you.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.