As we sat in our pyjamas around the tree, the stump still oozing blood, in the Castle’s Great Room, we happy Gormogons took stock of what we received from each other.

‘Puter received a very lovely chainsaw (from the Czar), a home vivisectionist kit (from the Mandarin), a polytransic stabilizer (from GorT), and a box of snuff (from the Volgi).

GorT received a bottle of Old Forrester bourbon (from the Czar), a Blu-Ray of Forbidden Planet (from the Mandarin), a box of monkey condoms (from ‘Puter), and a 208-volt three-phase Belgian waffle maker with safety guard and mounting bracket suitable for a workbench (from the Volgi).

Volgi received a vintage 11th Century double-edged bearded axe (from the Czar), a 750ml bottle of the Liao drug (from the Mandarin), a box of used up Brian Dennehy porn videos (VHS, from ‘Puter), and a neuralytic de-animaser (from GorT, and in brushed nickel; very cool).

Mandarin received a “Don’t Tread On Me” T-shirt (from the Czar), a Deep Color player (from GorT), a home Beaujolais kit (from ‘Puter), and a wind-up Godzilla toy that shoots sparks out its mouth (from Volgi).

The Czar received a human skull drinking flash (possibly real, from the Mandarin), a hunk of filet mignon (from ‘Puter), a ChiaObama (from Volgi), and a Colt M3411A1 .501 caliber caseless pistol with skeletonized grips and skeletonized former owner (from GorT).

Sleestak received a severe beating, of course, and Dat Ho received absolutely nothing, and the little bastard once again cried himself to sleep, promising that tomorrow would be a brighter day. Good luck with that. Cái này thật xấu.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.