After reading this story, I thought maybe we need to advertise rooms at the castle. So I drew up the following:
$9300 Room in dark, foreboding group castle (whereabouts undisclosed) …
The house is active, with Gormogons coming and going throughout the day. We regularly host people who are in town for government stupidity reducing-type activities.
Our opinions about the issues of the day – as well as Hello Kitty, religion, guns, and technology – are superior, which leads to wonderfully thoughtful conversations about what is going on around us and why we should be running the world. Everyone in the house is in one way or another working towards our visions (we have plenty of visions).
We have nothing communal. You want to eat – go get some food – shoot it, buy it, or have your spouse hit it with a car and drag it home in your suit – we don’t care. We dine together every Sunday and sometimes during the week, but people have different schedules and we won’t bother you if you don’t bother us. Consensus is for weenies – we decide how things run in the castle – there are no meetings only mandates and proclamations from those in charge. If you’re not comfortable with the way that the house is going, the Mandarin will be happy to offer his boot to ease you.
THE CURRENT HOUSEMATES
There are five Gormogons and one female currently living in the house. Three of the people in the house are people of rage. There is one linguist. We are four technophiles, and multiple gun advocates. We rotate Sunday night cook nights where we make a a huge feast with lots of roasted meat for everyone in the house. We like hanging out with each other occasionally until ‘Puter really gets gross and then we do our own thing.
We really don’t want a new housemate. Seriously, it’s trouble enough when the ‘Puter and Czar get into hockey “discussions” with the Volgi dropping conversation grenades into the fray. GorT has fried the last two potential roomies in some freakish experiment trying to improve his time traveling. The Mandarin while sitting quietly in the corner is really a festering pot of rage which doesn’t bode well for neophytes to the castle. So, really, if you do get wind of where the castle is (thanks to Veep Biden’s big mouth), I would just keep walking past and hope that the ‘Puter doesn’t draw a bead on you with his .30-06.
GorT is an eight-foot-tall robot from the 51ˢᵗ Century who routinely time-travels to steal expensive technology from the future and return it to the past for retroinvention. The profits from this pay all the Gormogons’ bills, including subsidizing this website. Some of the products he has introduced from the future include oven mitts, the Guinness widget, Oxy-Clean, and Dr. Pepper. Due to his immense cybernetic brain, GorT is able to produce a post in 0.023 seconds and research it in even less time. Only ’Puter spends less time on research. GorT speaks entirely in zeros and ones, but occasionally throws in a ڭ to annoy the Volgi. He is a massive proponent of science, technology, and energy development, and enjoys nothing more than taking the Czar’s more interesting scientific theories, going into the past, publishing them as his own, and then returning to take credit for them. He is the only Gormogon who is capable of doing math. Possessed of incredible strength, he understands the awesome responsibility that follows and only uses it to hurt people.