In this Caps-dominated Antient Society, the Czar offers the following to your Volgi.
And of course, you are doubtless wondering about the Czar’s reaction to the Manny Ramirez 50-game suspension for testing postive for an illegal substance.
Well, fact is, this news made your Czar cry.
See, the Czar has no love for Manny “Bonds” Ramirez. The Czar loves baseball, not the overpaid egotistical freak monsters with a crushingly bad attitude who ruin the game.
Manny, you are officially a hopeless fake. All your dingers and doubles mean exactly jack right now, which now, at last, puts them on the same level as your pathetic defensive skills. Such as sitting down in Fenway’s outfield a couple of times because you were unhappy with the Red Sox expecting you to justify your outrageous salary requirements. Remember that? The Czar always will.
Your 50-game suspension will probably annihilate the Dodger’s chances of post-season play, because without you, let’s be honest, they ain’t that strong a team. But this is okay with you because—remaining honest—you have always seen yourself as the team, not part of one. Screw those guys, anyway, right Manny? After all, they never helped you land an endorsement deal.
At least you had the good sense to offer no defense, other than to say it wasn’t your fault but your mystery doctor’s, who slipped you a mickey that coincidentally resembles a steroid for a personal medical problem. The Czar assumes, maybe prematurely, that either performance-enhancing steroids cure narcissism, or your doctor elected to destroy your hall of fame chances with incompetence. Where have we heard this before?
No, the Czar doesn’t disrespect you because you are gloriously wealthy and briefly brought a glimmer of hope to a faded competitor, but because you are a hopeless jackass who got caught proving how shamefully stupid you are. The Czar merely rejoices that the whole world can at last see you for what you are. Manny being Manny.
Good riddance to you and your bloated, melodramatically self-worshipping ilk.
Also, allow the Czar to remind everyone, Khabi!!!!!
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.