Meet Rep. Louise Slaughter (D-NY28), 12 term representative, native of Kentucky (with the accent to match), and arguably the second most powerful woman in Congress, as chairman of the Rules Committee.
In the best New York Tammany Hall style politics, She represents a gerrymandered district shaped like an old school telephone receiver, incorporating the City of Rochester, a tiny sliver of land running along Lake Ontario to The Cities of Buffalo and Niagara Falls.
What’s got ‘Puter fired up? The Congresswoman is incompetent. That’s a given, you rejoin. Ah, but read this article discussing Rep. Slaughter’s letter to several large oil companies, bemoaning the high price of gasoline Upstate. The problem (aside from Congress dictating the price of commodities)? Incompetent Rep. Slaughter and/or her incompetent staff can’t do math.
Rep. Slaughter complains that gas in Rochester costs an average of $1.78 per gallon, compared with $1.63 in Massachusetts and $1.51 in New Jersey. The article goes on to note that gas taxes (state and federal combined are $0.61 in New York, $0.42 in Massachusetts and $0.32 in New Jersey. ‘Puter’s no math whiz, but that means the average cost net of taxes in each location is as follows: (1) Rochester, $1.17; (2) New Jersey $1.19; and (3) Massachusetts, $1.21.
Gas in Rochester is cheaper than in any of the surrounding areas of which Rep. Slaughter complains. ‘Puter thinks Rep. Slaughter (and/or her staff) owes the oil companies an apology. ‘Puter looks forward to the retraction of Rep. Slaughter’s ill-conceived complaint.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.