Nightmare Cabinet 4: Bike Lanes for Everyone!

Meet Sen. Obama’s new Secretary of Transportation, Ed Begley, Jr.

Mr. Begley will have us all riding power assisted bicycles for our daily commute. That’s really practical for regions of the country where it snows about 10 feet each winter. Like, ‘for example, Upstate New York. Nothing says fun to ‘Puter like riding a two wheeled vehicle through a white out next to trucks and SUVs. Or trying to steer with two cases of beer on the handlebars on the way back from a beer run. Or maybe that’s an issue peculiar to ‘Puter.

‘Puter would like to note, however, that despite the impracticability of Mr. Begley’s approach on a national scale, Mr. Begley has certainly set an example for advocates of his vision. Mr. Begley owned one of the first electric vehicles in the early 1970s, and has adopted a vegan lifestyle.Mr. Begley’s been ahead of the Hollywood curve on modeling a lighter footprint lifestyle, advocating for this position before it was cool.

Although ‘Puter would likely disagree with Mr. Begley on many of his positions, Mr. Begley appears to be an honorable man living his life in the way he believes appropriate while refraining from harsh judgment of those with whom he does not agree. He attempts to teach by example, rather than through shaming. Would that Mr. Begley’s fellow travelers would treat the rest of us with similar respect.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.