Two of the three Gormogons have extended family members who are true believing liberal Democrats. The Notorious OEV did a better job of choosing his relatives.

As the election has approached, and truth be told, for the last eight years of dealing with their Bush Derangement Syndrome, something occurred to ‘Puter. The family members have given a religious significance to government, particularly the saving power of government. It’s as if they are looking for their Savior on Earth, and have after careful determination, decided that the government fills the bill.

‘Puter’s liberal relative is Christian (United Church of Christ) and ‘Puter believes GorT’s liberal relatives are nominally Roman Catholic. ‘Puter thinks the phenomenon holds for the secular Democrats as well, who are searching for meaning. These well meaning folks have decided that Jesus = social justice, and that social justice = liberal orthodoxy. Therefore, following this flawed logic, Jesus = liberal orthodoxy. Government is good, and must be bigger. Government can solve all our problems. Government is the answer.

It makes sense. Anything or anyone who threatens liberal orthodoxy is treated as a heretic and banished from the fold. See, e.g., Sen. Lieberman. It is a such an all encompassing faith in liberal orthodoxy that not even reason and logic can sway them. My relative believes that ‘Puter cannot question Sen. Obama’s judgment based on Sen. Obama’s unexplained association with Mr. Ayers, an unrepentant Weather Underground member. It simply is out of bounds. My relative believes that Bush lied about WMD, despite the fact that every major Western intelligence agency thought at the time WMDs existed. Bush lied, people died. There is no reasonable basis for these beliefs; only absolute, unbending and irrational faith in liberal orthodoxy can explain it.

Yet, many of these same liberal Democrats cannot see that the same faith they criticize in religious folks (see, e.g., Palin) is on display in their own lives. Perhaps there is such animosity toward the religious because the religious hold up a mirror, and these Democrats see their own reflection, and are disturbed. And these Dems further cannot admit that, to be charitable, their treatment of “disbelievers” is far worse than that perpetrated by mainstream religious folks.

It makes ‘Puter think that the Cult of Hello Kitty is saner.

UPDATE: Hello Kitty on the Cross looks kind of like Mark Steyn, noted Canadian free speech martyr. If you put a feline caricature of Mr. Steyn on the Cross, then tattooed it on someone’s arm, then squint a little bit. ‘Puter loves hisself some right-wing Canadian lumberjack-looking braniacs. And Mr. Steyn loves show tunes as well! We can add Mark Steyn to the list of ‘Puter’s man crushes.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.