Screw Nostradamus and Miss Cleo. Plus, they’re dead anyway. You’ve got ‘Puter, Master Prognosticator to the Stars!*
As a service to you, dear readers, ‘Puter spent the last week reading the signs and communing with the spirits of time to bring you a cheat sheet for 2017! You’re welcome, in advance.
- Barack Obama will be crowned America’s most unbearable ex-president, surpassing the gold standard of James Earl Carter, the indubitable ex-president equivalent of syphilitic genitals.
- Israel and Sunni Muslim nations will move closer to normalizing relations, spurred to act by Obama’s abandonment of the Middle East.
- ‘Puter will continue to jump serious Twitter threads and turn the topic to bewbs. Some tweeps will continue to enjoy ‘Puter’s delightful whimsy, others will still hate ‘Puter’s guts.
- Czar will win Beard Aficionado’s prestigious Most Pestilential Beard award for a record 544th year in a row.
- Putin and Iran will continue their conquest of Syria and China its conquest of the South China Sea, both directly caused by eight years of a feckless, destructive Obama-Clinton-Kerry foreign policy.
- Celebrities will die, causing great hue and cry on social media. Said deceased celebrities will be forgotten in a matter of days.
- Trump will be a better president than many thought, reined in by Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell. Obamacare will be repealed and replaced, executive orders will be overturned, the CFPB will be neutered, and civil servants pushing political agendas will be fired.
- Illinois will legalize recreational marijuana. Czar, Mandy, and Mo will hit the road to follow the Grateful Dead, too baked to realize the Grateful Dead are long gone, and never be heard from again.
- ‘Puter’s dog will die, and his Dad will slip deeper into dementia.
- Volgi will put up the smash Broadway hit, “Putin on the Ritz,” a delightful musical romp full of Russian slaughter and polonium.
- Democrats will lose 8 seats in the Senate as a result of direct election losses or Democrats switching parties (e.g., Manchin).
- Kim Kardashian will put out a series of YouTube instructional videos for do-it-yourself anus piercing.
- Media and liberals will continue to ignore the lessons of 2016, deciding that benighted yokels in flyover country simply didn’t get their “why are you stupid crackers voting against your interests” message. Not coincidentally, media will become less and less relevant to most Americans.
- The entire state of Wisconsin will receive stents to open their clogged, cheese-filled arteries, breaking the world record previously held by our nation’s Waffle House patrons.
‘Puter’s pretty sure he got the spirits’ dictation down correctly despite the vats of purple drank he consumed this holiday season.
Anyway, you should rely on ‘Puter’s prognostications here as gospel truth. What could possibly go wrong?
Merry New Year to all our followers.
* N. B. ‘Puter claims the title “Prognosticator to the Stars” because he goes outside at night and yells his incoherent, silly views at the sky. – Czar
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.