Everything Sucks, A ‘Puter Rant
How the ever-lovin’ f*ck did we get here?
There are around 340 million or so Americans, probably 150 million or so of whom could plausibly be president, and moron voters in both parties (and the moron parties themselves) decide to give us this sh*tshow?
Trump is an awful candidate, and likely an awful human being. He has surrounded himself with the worst people that politics on the Right has to offer. A not insignificant portion of his support are people who are racist as f*ck. A not insignificant portion of his campaign appears to be racist as f*ck.
News flash: Cheeto Jesus is not the messiah he promises you he is. Trump will sell you out the first chance he gets.
Hillary is even worse. She is a vile, inveterate liar who will say and do anything to gain power. Worse, Hillary only wants power in order to enrich herself and her cronies. Don’t believe ‘Puter? Look at the Clinton Foundation and its bastard stepchild, the Clinton Global Initiative.
Democrats bitch and moan incessantly about the evils of “money in politics.” Horse crap. If Democrats honestly gave a flying f*ck about money in politics, they’d be on the Clintons like Bill on an intern for the House That Corrupt Cronyism Built.
This weekend we learned Hillary’s got pneumonia after she collapsed (yes, collapsed) at a 9/11 memorial in New York City. Despite Hillary hacking away for weeks like a Stage IV lung cancer patient with asbestosis and emphysema sucking down pack after pack after wheeling her oxygen tank out into the hospital alley, the media got mad at Twitter for suggesting maybe they ought to, you know, do their f*cking jobs.
Media repeatedly reassured us Clinton was just fine because STFU, you conspiracy theory loving retards, her campaign says so, and there’s no need for us to check a story that’s patently false.
And what do we hear today from the media, fresh off their pantsing by the Clinton campaign? Sure, Hillary’s got pneumonia, but she’s totes way more energetic than you, d*ck cheese! If the media were any more in the tank for Hillary, they’d be wedged up her ass like her sweaty pantsuit at a Goldman Sachs fundraiser on a Hamptons beach.
Damn, ‘Puter’s fired up today. Anyhoo, here’s a few takeaways.
- Meemaw Emphysema is the lyingest liar that ever lied a lie.
- Media is complicit in Hillary’s lies, covering for her at great expense America, not to mention their own deservedly crappy reputations.
- Cheeto Jesus is a clown, though his frustration of the media has been a joy to watch.
- ‘Puter’s conspiracy theory (Clinton gets the hook, Biden comes in, makes Sen. Sitting Bull his veep, retires after a few years setting Pocahontas up to run as the incumbent) is looking better and better every day.
‘Puter’s in a mood and has other things to do. Maybe he’ll write more later. Maybe not. Hard to know, as ‘Puter has many moods, most of them bad.
In closing, all y’all can suck it.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.