In Which ‘Puter Rants About Sean Hannity
Sean Hannity is evil.
‘Puter knows. You’re sitting there on the crapper reading our blog on your fancy smart phone, thinking “But ‘Puter, Sean Hannity’s living proof there’s a place in the world for cute short bus kids!”
Sure, Hannity’s cute in the “got a couple of extra chromosomes somewhere in my genome and a great head of hair” kind of way, if that’s you thing. But he’s still evil.
Why’s Hannity evil? Because he’s a ratings whore who would rather sell out his own country than work another honest day in his life.
Hannity’s behavior this election cycle, and pretty much always, has been execrable. Hannity’s the Nancy Grace of FoxNews, but less talented, more vindictive, and with bigger tits.
‘Puter never watched or listened to Hannity much. One day, as ‘Puter was driving to DC to visit his Dad who has dementia (a story for another day), he tuned into Hannity’s radio show. Hannity was interviewing Cliven Bundy live by phone, giving voice to a psycho with a messiah complex who happens to be correct on one issue. It quickly became apparent to ‘Puter than Bundy was totally unhinged and that Hannity was uncomfortable with the interview. Yet Hannity bravely soldiered on, knowing that certain segment of Republican Nation was eating Bundy’s deranged Mormon theocracy tinged delusions up.
A real man with a soul and a set of balls would’ve hung up on Bundy and apologized to his audience, explaining Bundy was not who the host thought he was, and the host couldn’t in good conscience expose his audience to any more of Bundy’s asshattery. But not low-T Sean Hannity!
And now for a word from Sean’s sponsor.
Hi, I’m America’s favorite retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel,** Sean Hannity! Silver is at an all-time low! You should have some in your bugout bag, or in your bolt hole, or even in your 401(k)! Send us your credit card number, expiration date, security code, PIN, social security number, home address, turn-ons, and cell phone number, and Silver 4Evah will send you a pamphlet from the FTC about consumer scams, and how not to fall prey to them!
Now, back to our show.
Sean’s all about getting paid, see? And to the extent he has to back dangerously unhinged separatists to make bank, Sean will. Only when the shallow end of the Republican gene pool has moved onto their next savior does Hannity move on. Sean is what’s known as a lagging indicator. If Sean moves on, you know his current fellatio buddy’s yesterday’s news, at least to the “UR A RINO, U CUCK!1!! TRUMPP 4EVAH!!1!” set.
And speaking of our Cheetos colored savior, guess whose wang Hannity’s currently chugging?* And no fair comparing the color of Sean’s lips to Trump’s “tan.” If Trump fellating were an Olympic event, Hannity would be lapping the field. If Trump’s wang were a stock, Hannity’d have cornered the market. If Trump’s yuge, luxurious man meat were an all you can eat buffet, Hannity’d die from a burst stomach, and he’d die happy.
See, Hannity figured out Trump appeals to a certain fairly large minority of people who are easily fooled by shiny things, monkey traps, and reality TV stars.*** Moreover, this subset is intensely loyal to its delusions and impervious to logic and reason. So Hannity (rightly) figured he’d hitch his wagon to Captain Giveszerofucks, watch his ratings soar, his ad revenue rise, and his bank account grow.
What Hannity didn’t plan on, mostly because he’s too greedy and shortsighted to see the obvious, was that Trump was going to lose, and lose big. Hannity had the knives out for anyone he perceived as insufficiently pro-Trump, savaging them on air. Hannity burned bridges with nearly every Republican power broker and person in office, except those few who like Hannity chugged the orange Kool-Aid.
As Hannity shamelessly whored himself out and lied for Trump, he sold out America. Hannity’s position is essentially “f*ck all y’all, I’m making bank, and y’all can get screwed.” Trump spits on the Constitution? That’s cool. Threatens violence against political opponents? Sean just opens his throat wider. If Trump wanted to bang Hannity’s wife and kids, ‘Puter’s not sure Hannity wouldn’t let him. That’s how much Hannity cares about himself, and how little he cares about America and you.
Hannity doesn’t give two sh*ts about you, about America, or about Trump. Hannity (and Coulter, and Ingraham, and Rush, etc.) care about one and only one person: themselves. They’re infotainers, not thought leaders, nor leaders of any sort.
They’re the yes men behind every jackass and thug, from the grade school bully to the fascist Russian with world domination on his mind.
So if you want to idolize a cute short bus kid with good hair who’d sell you out at Trump’s say so, go ahead. But ‘Puter won’t. And if you do, know you’re standing on very shaky ground, nearly alone, and your perfectly coiffed Svengali will abandon you to save his own skin.
You’re on notice.
P.S. Trump sucks.
* (singing) ERRY BUDDY CHUG WANG 2NITE! ERRYBODY CHUG WANG! #WangChung
** This is a South Park reference. And if you didn’t get it, you’re the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel.
*** To be fair, there is a subset of the TRUMP 5-EVAH!!1! subset that has principled reasons for supporting Trump (mostly, burn it all down so we can start again), but they are a small subset of this otherwise retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel group.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.