Hello, children. Hello.

Your Mandarin watched the debates last night and as a long-standing Gormogons tradition, wanted to put down his thoughts as to what most of you saw for yourselves. Truly it was a painfully long debate, with insufficient time given to the candidates who matter and too much time spent on candidates who don’t.

“Mr. Trump what do you think about x?” “Senator Paul, what do you think about Mr. Trump’s answer?”

But there wasn’t anything else on that we wanted to watch. Czar asked Dat Ho to record it for him on the DVR, but Dat can’t count higher than 30, so he got the channel number wrong and, when Czar wakes up later today, he’ll find Dat Ho recorded three hours of Mannix on Me 8.

Quick hits on each of the contestants participants:

Sen. Rand Paul: He seemed almost bemused to be there. His delivery was lethargic, and with all his talk about about marijuana, you wonder if he partook before taking the stage. His entire non-intervention point almost came across as his wanting to go home, hide in the closet until the bad man goes away. He’s not a naive person, but when it comes to this, has he thought through what happens when America retreats to that extent? Unless he plans on turning American into Fortress USA, how does he intend to keep the outside world from bringing its problems in?

Gov. Mike Huckabee: Outstanding performance, if this were Sunday in church. He may want to hope he has a clause in his contract about getting back to his show on Fox.

Sen. Marco Rubio: Impressive performance, and measured. While others were busy taking potshots at each other, he remained forceful without being vindictive…and was backed up by fact. In his comments, he displayed a real passion and love for this country and a desire to get us on the right path. If not the party’s nominee, he definitely should be the number two on the ticket.

Sen. Ted Cruz: While, you know, factual and on his game, he came across more as a politician than he would have wanted to appear.

Dr. Ben Carson: A brilliant neurosurgeon, but was excruciating to listen to. When pressed on the issues and his ideas, he’s getting Trumpesque on the lack of detail. There might not be a whole lot there.

Donald Trump: And the train wreck continues.

Gov. Scott Walker: This is a person who, while offering conservatives a lot, doesn’t seem to be able to defend himself or his claims, even when the facts are there. While he has a great story to tell conservatives, his broader message may not be reaching the traditional blue-dog democrats who see him only as a union buster. He needs to show America why his union reform methods helped Wisconsin; otherwise, he’s going to drift off the stage into total obscurity.

Ms. Carly Fiorina: She proved tonight why someone in the Clinton campaign probably just started putting resumes out into the mail. This is someone who came across as well-informed but personable when relating stories about her family’s tragedy and the Planned Parenthood fiasco.

Gov. John Kasich: Your Mandarin could not take four years of him wildly gesticulating while he speaks. He looked like he was experimenting with Mantis Kung Fu up there.

Gov. Chris Christie: He came across with some great points last night. But that doesn’t negate the fact of who he really is.

Dr. Carson and Dr. Paul did very well with the vaccination question, being careful to acknowledge the scientific validity of vaccination without irritating the wee-wee crowd, given that at some point, they’ll want to win those voters away from Trump’s wrecked campaign.

Also, the body language was quite interesting at the end. As Trump and Bush hugged each other and proved they’re just typical politicians, it was evident to your Mandarin how the politicians shunned Fiorina. When she walked around her podium, it looked very much like the Old Boys crowded around each other to wall her out. Fiorina knows how to break into a closed group and win people over—CEOs do it a lot—so it wasn’t a failure on her part. Rather, the language shown by most of the men on stage was that they were very nervous and even a little cowed by her.

What were your thoughts? Your Mandarin doesn’t care what you think; if he did, he’d use the mind control ray on you and tell you what to think. That’s how this works.

Now study your STEM, children.