As you may have heard, Pope Francis arrived in the United States yesterday for his first visit. The Pope will visit Washington, Philadelphia, and New York City during his stay. As most newscasters have little to no comprehension of any religion, much less Catholicism, they’ve been searching out knowledgeable Catholics to provide commentary and insight during the Pope’s tour of (Mid-Atlantic, East Coast) America.
Imagine ‘Puter’s surprise when Fox News’ own Meghan McCain called ‘Puter an asked if ‘Puter had time for an interview on Catholicism! Naturally, ‘Puter said yes, as he has a thing for dumb, zaftig blondes. What follows is the unedited transcript of the interview, airing tonight on The Sean Hannity Show!*
Meghan McCain: Hi, ‘Puter! Where should we set up?
‘Puter Gormogon: Let’s set up in my rumpus room in the basement. Would you like something to drink? Sleestak makes a brilliant gin and SlimFast.
MM: How about a sparkling water? Got any of those?
PG: Sure. With or without rohypnol?
MM: Without, please.
PG: No problem. SLEESTAK, YOU INSOLENT REPTILE! GET IN HERE!
Sleestak: Ssssss! Ssssssssssss! Ssss! *shambles off to parts unknown* *returns with drink* *gives to Ms. McCain* *waits around*
MM: Thank you, Sleestak. ‘Puter, what exactly *is* Sleestak?
PG: We’re not really sure. It’s a long story. By the way, nice tits.
MM: Thanks, ‘Puter! I like your orange leisure suit and purple ascot.
PG: Netflix and chill later, ba’e?
MM: Sure! That’d be great! But let’s get the interview done first. My dad’s not as famous as Chelsea Clinton’s dad, so I’m actually expected to turn in a work product.
PG: Alright. Just leave your underwear at home. Bring the camera though. ‘Puter’ll send Dat Ho to fetch you around 8:00 in the Castle’s Bugatti Veyron. He’ll be the diminutive Asian cussing up a storm driving a Bugatti Veyron.
MM: No problem. Let’s get the interview started, shall we?
PG: Sure. Go ahead. Did I mention I’ve got a thing for dumb, zaftig blondes with big cans and round badonkadonk?
MM: *giggles* Oh, ‘Puter. So, here we go. First question.
Q1: Is the pope Catholic?
A: No. The pope is Roman Catholic. If you’re not Roman Catholic, you’re going to Hell, heathen.
Q2: Do Catholics worship Mary?
A: Only Mary J. Blige, and it’s less “worship” and more “infatuation.”
Q3: What’s the deal with the saints?
A: ‘Puter knows, right? The Saints suck this year. Drew Brees is off his game, and the Saints defense leaks like a sieve.
Q4: No, ‘Puter. I meant the saints as in “the communion of saints.”
A: Oh, *those* saints. Saints are totally cool. They’re just people the Church says with certainty are in heaven. St. Sebastian got shot chock full of arrows and lived, so they bludgeoned him to death instead. St. Maria Goretti got stabbed 14 times and killed by a nobleman rather than submit to sex with him. Sort of the exact opposite of feminists today who think virginity and chastity are tools of the patriarchy used to dominate women. St. Lawrence of Rome was grilled to death, famously saying “I’m well done. Turn me over!” Not coincidentally, he’s the patron saint of comedians. True fact. Wait, what was the question again?
Q5: Never mind, ‘Puter. Let’s talk about something else. Are Catholics really as heavy drinkers as they’re portrayed?
A: Sorry. ‘Puter missed your question. He was out picking up his morning six-pack from the Knights of Columbus hall. The KofC usually give the post-bingo leftovers to the bums who hang out in the alley behind the bingo hall, and ‘Puter ain’t passing up no free beer! What’s the question again?
Q6: I asked “are Catholics heavy drinkers,” but it appears you’ve answered in your own unique way.
A: No, wait. ‘Puter’s got a good answer for that one. Here’s Pope Gregory IX (r. 1227-1241) responding to a query from the Archbishop of Trondheim: “Since according to the Gospel teaching, a man must be born again of water and the Holy Ghost, those are not to be considered validly baptized who have been baptized with beer.”
Q7: Man, you Catholics are big drinkers.
A: Did ‘Puter mention Jesus chose the creation of alcohol as his first miracle? Or that at Mass, Catholics believe sacramental wine literally becomes the blood of Christ? Transubstantiation, bitches!
Q8: On that note, why do Catholics seem to cuss so much more than other Christians?
A: F*ck off, Prod! What are you, a Unionist bastard? Ireland for the Catholics, Prods go home! Sod off, Royal Ulster Constabulary!
Q9: Now that you mention it, I’ve always wondered how Northern Irish Catholics and Protestants tell each other apart. I mean, they’re all no good, soulless, dirt-burning, soulless Irish asshats, right?
A: Good question. ‘Puter’s never figured that one out, either.
Q10: Is that your real hair?
A: What, are you mocking ‘Puter for being bald? The Sweet Baby Jesus in the Manger was bald! So was the Wee Baby Seamus!
Q11: Man, this interview’s going far worse than I expected. Let’s get back on topic, ‘Puter. What’s the official honorific for the Pope?
A: Some people will tell you it’s “Your Holiness.” Some people say it’s “Your Pope-itude.” ‘Puter believes either is acceptable. [Go with “Your Holiness” – ed.]
Q12: What’s with kissing the Pope’s ring? That’s weird, isn’t it?
A: Millions of New England Patriots fans kiss Bill Belichick and Tom Brady’s Super Bowl rings, and no one in the media thinks that’s weird, even though New England are proven cheating bastards who will burn in the unseen fires of Hell for all eternity! Wait, what were we talking about?
Q13: Pope Francis. He’s an Argentine Jesuit. Can you tell us anything about the Jesuits?
A: Well, ‘Puter was educated by Jesuits for eight years, so he knows a thing or two about Jesuits. First, Jesuits used to be awesome badasses, traveling the globe to spread the Gospel. St. Ignatius Loyola, St. Francis Xavier, and St. Pierre Lefevre were the original OJs [Original Jesuits – ed.]. These men were among the best the Church had to offer. Today, the Jesuits are more concerned with “social justice,” liberation theology, and preserving gay-themed colleges, universities, and seminaries.
Q14: That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it, ‘Puter?
A: Can the truth ever be harsh? Pope Francis is also an Argentine, which means he likes kickball [soccer – ed.], dumb economic policies, and cocaine. Wait, maybe not the last one. Maybe ‘Puter was thinking of Argentine Diego Maradona, who for most of his kickball [soccer –ed.] pretty much reenacted the scene from Scarface where Tony Montana goes face down into a giant pile of cocaine. Man, that was a good movie.
Q15: ‘Puter, stay on topic.
A: Oh, right. Pope Francis. Well, like most semi-commie, Jesuit Argentines, he likes walking, mostly because Argentina’s socialist/dictator-ist economic policies make cars and gasoline unaffordable for working folks. But now he’s got this totally bitchin’ Popemobile, with bulletproof glass, and Swiss Guard with the kung-fu grip, and a Trouble Pop-O-Matic bubble on the top so when you push it the Pope pops up in the air, and a giant Confederate battle flag painted on top. Wait, maybe not so much the last thing.
Q16: Why do Catholics hate gay people and want to make them all have a sad and live in self-loathing and fear of religiously inspired random beatings?
A: Thank you, Sugar Booty, for framing this question far more respectfully than most television journalists have. Catholics don’t hate gay people. The Catechism, paragraph 2358, instructs Catholics that homosexuals “must be accepted with respect compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided.” Plus, gay people are funny, throw the best parties, and make generally great neighbors.
Q17: What about abortion? How come Catholics can’t just get with the times? Abortion’s the cool thing now. All the publicly funded “women’s health” centers are doing it, then selling the fetal organs for profit. Noted Catholics like Mario Cuomo, all 5,237 of the Kennedys, Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden are vocal proponents of abortion, mostly because it disproportionately kills of Black people. Plus, Pope Francis totally said abortion’s fine now! How cool is that?
A: Um, not cool. Not cool at all. Since Roe v. Wade, abortion’s killed millions of Americans before they could draw their first breath. Planned Parenthood’s taken to killing Americans after they draw their first breath, supported with taxpayer dollars. The Cuomos, Clan Kennedy, Mrs. I Can’t Blink Pelosi and Handsy Uncle Joe Biden are nominal Catholics, more beholden to their religion of so-called progressivism than to the One True Church. As for their rationale (i.e., abortion disproportionately affects Blacks and minorities, as Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger dreamed of), ‘Puter won’t comment on your characterization. Last, Pope Francis didn’t issue a new “WOO HOO! GO GIT ALL TEH ABORSHUNZ!!1!” edict. Pope Francis simply said during this declared year of mercy, parish priests may forgive the sin of abortion, undoing the woman’s (or the procurer’s) excommunication latae sententiae. It’s not a brave, new world of Church sponsored eugenics, much to the chagrin of liberal “Catholics.”
Q18: Why did God make you, ‘Puter?
Q19: “Through Christ our Lord,” or “forever and ever?”
Q20: One last question, ‘Puter. If you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be, and why?
A: Well, my Zaftig Zeppelin of Love, I’d be a pecan tree so I could drop my nuts on you.
With that, the interview ended, and Ms. McCain packed up her gear and left. ‘Puter’s too much a gentleman to get into the oil-covered, hours-long details of his date with Ms. McCain later that night, though it was *awesome.*
Be sure to watch ‘Puter’s interview on Fox’s “The Idiot Captain Hairdo Show” “The Sean Hannity Show” tonight at 10:00 PM local time!
* Sean Hannity is dumb as a sack of hammers. He has stupid hair and supports Donald Trump. Hannity’s so all-in on Trump that he’s practically disqualified himself from the “serious newsman” category, as if there were such a thing. After Trump flames out spectacularly, ‘Puter expects to find Hannity wandering around the Times Square in a filthy, urine stained suit, clutching a Trump bobblehead, muttering softly to himself about what could’ve been, if only the American voter listened to him.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.