The Czar’s Ant-Man Review
The Czar was not expecting to see Ant-Man this weekend as the Цесаревич is just back from Цѣсарь Scouts Camp (merit badges in Serf Punching, Long Distance Shooting, Worst Aid, and Axemanship). But it turned out that after a good late afternoon nap, he was raring to go. Unfortunately, the Царевич was up drinking with his friends the night before, and a handle of beet Kvass takes a toll on a ten-year-old with only a couple hours of sleep. Nevertheless, we fed him taco meat and he was all set to see it.
As usual, the Czar takes your questions on Ant-Man.
How much do we need to know about the different ant species to understand this movie?
Fortunately, director Peyton Reed gives you a lengthy explanation of the biology and taxonomy of ants, so in no time you’ll be able to differentiate between Odontomachus and Orectognathus like a boss, even though neither of those ants appear in the movie.
My dog likes to eat ants. Will he like this movie?
The Czar’s dog is also an ant eater, which sounds really strange when written, but please note the space between the words. Yes, the Czar anticipates your dog will bark happily throughout the entire movie, so please bring him along. Mandarin and the Czar enjoyed The Abyss that way, with some dude’s dog barking through the entire movie.
Hank Pym said he controls the ants through the use of pheromones emitted from his ear bud. How was he able to control them from several miles away, since pheromones don’t travel that far?
Seriously! How was he able to control the ants that helped Scott Lang in the early part of the movie when he was on the other side of San Francisco?
Okay, the neurotransmitter is radio-linked between Pym’s ear bud and Lang’s helmet, and the pheromones were actually being emitted from the helmet, right by the ants.
Really? Where in the movie was that explained?
Was the absence of Edgar Wright that obvious? Did Peyton Reed pull off a really good homage to Wright’s unique directorial style?
Who the hell knows. The Czar would rather talk about pheromones.
How is the character’s name actually pronounced?
Ant-Man, unless you’re from the Eastern seaboard, in which case it sounds more like Awnt-Man.
Are the special effects any good? Does he fight a cat in a doll house?
Yes and no. Particularly impressive was the way Michael Douglas was youthanized for scenes taking place in 1989. The effect was actually flawless. And no, there is no doll house in the movie that we saw. Perhaps you are thinking of a different film.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.