With all the mid-term elections coming up, a lot of candidates are unclear whether their viewpoints are conservative, libertarian, or liberal. Here’s a quick guide that can help you candidates understand the issues.
|Your Opinion on…||Conservative||Libertarian||Liberal|
|Warfare||War should be avoided, but if necessary, fought to victory.||War should be avoided and not even fought.||Victory should be avoided, but if necessary, fought to the next election.|
|Marriage||Marriage is a sacred act between a man and a woman.||Most libertarians are already divorced, so what the hell.||Marriage is a sacred act between a man or a woman.|
|Drugs||Drugs should be illegal.||Drugs should be legalized.||Drugs are completely wrong and should be illegal, although Murray has some good hash, I heard, but you gotta call him before Monday or you’re getting the crap stuff again.|
|Spending||Some government costs are necessary.||No government costs are necessary.||Some government costs are possibly unnecessary.|
|Taxes||If you lower taxes, you increase the economy.||I haven’t paid any taxes in 10 years, which is why my wife left me.||If you lower the economy, you can raise taxes.|
|Jobs||Nothing is more rewarding than a job. I’m glad I have one.||Nothing is more rewarding than not needing a job. I wish I didn’t have one.||It’d be nice if a graduate degree in Bangladeshi Women’s Poetry Studies could land me a job. So I work part-time in my dad’s mail room, and you people suck.|
|Immigration||Our borders must be strong and secure.||My border outside my compound is strong and secure.||We wouldn’t need a border at all if we did a one-world government like we were suggesting in the 1930s.|
|How do we park our cars?||
We park our classic cars in lovely, open spaces with plenty of space on all sides.
|It’s a free country, dude. Park however the hell you want.||All our uniformly-sized electric cars shall be parked in highly regulated spaces. This won’t be a big problem, as only the upper-level party members shall have them.|
How to score your results. Award yourself one point for every conservative answer. If your number is even or odd, you are likely conservative. Award yourself no points for a libertarian answer, because frankly awarding yourself numbers is something that should be done in the privacy of the home. If you are a liberal, you can’t add anyway so don’t bother trying basic math like this.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.