|Yeah, it’s been a bad week for egotistical,
hubristic dipsticks everywhere. And it’s
about darned time.
‘Puter’s been off the grid for the past few days, mostly because his work computer got infected with malware.* ‘Puter also learned that his office servers email his IT Department when email is detected, which to him seems like witchcraft or nethermancy. Between malware and sentient server systems, ‘Puter’s belief that all technology is evil and should be destroyed has been vindicated.
But that’s not what ‘Puter’s here to talk about. Now where was ‘Puter? That’s right. Scandal.
The esteemed Gormogon assemblage has weighed in on The Smartest President Ever’s recent drive to rocket to number one on the Billboard Presidential Scandal charts by combining simultaneous scandals at the Internal Revenue Service (politically motivated enforcement proceedings), Department of Justice (AP phone records) and the State Department (Benghazi). ‘Puter’s rehash of the basic facts and issues would be redundant, so he’s cutting to the chase.
‘Puter’s come to two conclusions on Obama’s Crap-tastic, Scandal-riffic, Most-Transparent-Administration-EVAH!!1!!one! recent travails.
1. The scandals’ necessary preconditions are scarier than the resulting scandals themselves.
Each of the currently unfolding scandals is bad enough on its own. The fact that Obama’s government had at least three scandals going on at once is damning. Stick with ‘Puter here.
The IRS scandal confirmed ‘Puter’s longstanding suspicion: government workers in unregulated regulatory agencies are hard-wired to use power to advance a liberal agenda because, almost to a person, they’re liberal Democrats.
‘Puter’s betting that if you FOIAed a list of all government workers and cross-referenced that list with a list of those workers’ party registration, you’d see north of 70% Democrat registration, and that’s in the civil service workforce, not among political appointees.
And precisely because government workers are overwhelmingly liberal, there’s no check on schemes that in a more ideologically integrated workforce would be immediately suspect. White House Press Bitch Jay Carney’s initial “it was just the stupid deltas in Sector 7G acting on their own” response tells us all we need to know.
The IRS workers had no problem using the tax code to target conservative organizations because they knew what their bosses believed, and their bosses’ bosses believed, all the way up to and including Obama. Using government power to destroy conservative political opposition is not only acceptable, it’s mandatory.
It’s the same motivating factor behind the Benghazi cover up and DOJ’s press corps records grab. People we don’t like deserve the full brunt of government coercive power until they behave in a manner we find acceptable.
It’s OK to lie about Benghazi, because the stupid conserve-a-tards just wanted to prevent Obama from being reelected. It’s OK to disappear witnesses (whether through reassignment or gag orders) who could’ve disproven the White House spin on day one. The ends always justify the means.
It’s OK to unconstitutionally grab phone records and internet usage patterns on those pesky reporters. They’ll never find out, and even if they do, it’s for the good of liberal political ends, and therefore acceptable.
Takeaway: Obama’s scandals flow directly from modern liberal Democrats’ belief that liberal policy ends always, ALWAYS justify the means used to achieve those ends, no matter how repulsive such means may be.
2. The Obama Administration and the Democrats are guilty of political malpractice.
This second takeaway is minor, but further indication that Obama, his Administration and most Democrats are absolutely incompetent, bungling morons.
Think about this. Who loves Obama more than life itself? Who lied, cheated and stole to ensure Obama’s reelection? Who’s the round-heeled, closing time booty call, willing to parrot White House talking points no matter the cost to their reputation?
And what did Obama and his slope-headed henchmen do? They did the one thing that a three-year old would instinctively know would instantly alienate the Administration’s most fervent worshippers: violated the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom of the press.
The press didn’t care two whits about the Gosnell case. It’s a local crime story, said the Washington Post. Nothing to see here. Move along. Got to make sure abortion rights aren’t suspect, even if a few babies’ spinal cords have to be snipped.
“We’ve got your back, Obama! Look at us explain away infanticide to help you out. We did good, right? Call us later, OK?”
The press attempted to explain away Obama’s Benghazi debacle, saying everyone makes mistakes, it’s in the past, let’s move on. The press assiduously ignored the real issue: Obama lied, people died. Or, more accurately: People died, Obama lied. But it’s OK. It’s important the Obama not be questioned, because it might make enacting his agenda more difficult.
“We’re here for you, Obama! Those RETHUGLICANS run by BUSHITLERBURTON won’t bother you any more. On another matter, why won’t you return our calls? Is something wrong? Are we not pretty enough?”
The press had a harder time swallowing Obama’s burgeoning IRS scandal, but dutifully trotted out the company line. The IRS never should have used a political litmus test to assess tax exempt organization status, but it wasn’t a coordinated effort, and the White House isn’t involved, so nothing to see here. Let’s move on.
“Glad we could help, Obama! I’m still waiting for you to call back. I’m beginning to think I might be nothing but a booty call for you, but that can’t be, can it?”
But then Attorney General Eric Holder’s overreaching subpoena of AP reporters’ work, home and cell phone records broke. It’s finally dawned on the press that not only are they Obama’s girl on the side, but they’re not his only girl on the side. Hell hath no fury like a homewrecker scorned.
“You dirty summuvvabeeoch! You’ve had a girl on the side all along?!? We just forwarded those texts you sent us to Michelle, along with that movie of our last sexcapades. That’ll teach you to mess with us. WHY WON’T YOU LOVE US??!? WE DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU!!1!”
And there’s the political malpractice. Obama unnecessarily and needlessly pissed off the one group he could always count on to be there for him. Like a battered wife, the press corps excused his loutish, unprincipled behavior, telling Americans they just don’t understand how totally awesome Obama is when he’s not wiping his drunken, bitter ass with the Constitution. The press would do anything for Obama, no matter how humiliating, and all he had to do was ask.
But Obama himself, or cabinet members directly reporting to him, decided it was worth risking his fawning and falsely exculpatory press coverage to prove a point. Obama or Holder wanted to make an example out of whoever leaked classified information on Stuxnet to the press. In so doing, Obama would show he’s the smartest man in the room and strike fear into the hearts of his enemies.
‘Puter’s betting Obama will be rethinking the wisdom of proving himself the smartest man in the room now that he’s experiencing the cost of losing his captive propagandists.
Takeaway: Obama’s hubris and oddly low self esteem led him to assess incorrectly the loyalty of his propaganda wing, the press corps. Obama’s brazen attack on the First Amendment embarrassed and shocked the press. Realizing Obama’s played them, showing them to be unprincipled ideologues, the press has their long knives out, and they’re looking for revenge. Happily for America, Obama’s miscalculation may shame the press into reporting facts rather than spinning them.
So there’s ‘Puter’s take on the news of the day, for what it’s worth.
*And no, it has nothing to do with ‘Puter’s recurring “Male Bag” or “Bad, Bad Teacher” themes, no matter how much Czar claims otherwise.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.