An undercover field report, which the Operative delivered through an ingeniously complicated plan of (a) converting it to base₇₄ notation, (b) engraving the characters on a grain of rice, (c) inserting it into a cotton swab, (d) embedding the swab into the Czar’s box with a slight blue mark on it to attract the Czar’s attention, and then (e) reading it to the Czar over an open telephone line because the Czar doesn’t know what base₇₄ looks like.

Oh most excellent Czar, may the tiny LEDs on thy sneakers be ever-twinkling,

In my current undercover mission as a nurse in federal employ, I have learned many and useful things. One of them is: If the caregiver in question (in the CPR ‘incident’ manufactured by the media) is not a Registered Nurse, or Licensed Practical Nurse (both of which would imply CPR qualifications), then they are NOT a ‘nurse’. Most state nurse practice acts specify pretty clearly exactly who may call themselves that. I’ve never ever heard of a nursing position (outside of teaching, maybe) that did not require CPR certification (Basic Life Support, they call it in the medical field). Just wanted to get in my $0.02 and to submit an update (attached) on Project Fulgent Zagreb [omitted from the grain of rice and phone call]; we still await the second shipment of tubas, lithium grease, and dental floss. Aside from that, the project progresses most nicely.

Most respectfully, your servant,
Minion #462.5

Excellent work. if you keep this up, you will easily be promoted to Minion #462.51. Until further notice, please use the home-made lithium ‘Puter sent you. You should have ample supplies left, assuming you didn’t blow it all on a weekend bender. ‘Puter worked very hard on that, and would be upset to learn you went through it so fast without saving some for his imaginary psychotic benders.

You know, the Czar almost mentioned your other point in more detail and regrets not doing so. We did put “nurse” in quotes because the real person’s identity has not to our knowledge been revealed in the week since the story actually happened (it is being portrayed as a recent story, but apparently happened some time ago). This is quite revealing, and suggests the individual is a caregiver, and not a nurse; she has simply been dubbed a nurse by the media.

And despite media outrage, there are a slew of followup stories in which the facts are being supported.

Dr. J. asked the Czar why the liberal media are so captivated by this story. After all, none of this links to George Bush, Rush Limbaugh, or Sarah Palin.

This is a good question. The incident happened a while ago (only the 911 call was recently released), the nurse and facility have been cleared of wrongdoing, and the victim’s family not only refuses to press legal action but has indicated they support the caregiver’s refusal. The 911 dispatcher stated she now understands the caregiver was not a nurse and admitted she over-reacted a bit on the call.

It is absurdly safe to say the media are either ignorant of some of these key facts (because in doing so, they would realize this is a non-story and the details best left to the privacy of the family) or are deliberately putting torque onto this story for purposes of inflation (calling the caregiver a nurse and failing to explain good Samaritan laws).

The story is pretty much as the Czar presented it yesterday. So why the outrage?

This comes down to a liberal versus progressive argument.

Let us be honest: a progressive would likely celebrate this story—a woman had a DNR agreement, understood that medical treatment would be limited, and the caregiver did everything she was allowed to within context of the policy. The victim died quietly in her home without having to waste time and money. Indeed, the Czar has witnessed many comments on websites along those very lines. “If only all old people could be so dignified,” thinks many a prog.

Liberals of course are welcome to a different opinion. “The woman was dying, man! Do something! There seems to be something wrong with this! Screw the rules!!! That could be me in five years!!#!!!$eleventee!!”

Between these polar reactions, you have the type of cognitive dissonance that fuels a media outrage. Again, notice that it’s the media ratcheting this story up. There are no mass protests, no demonstrations, no petitions from the grassroots public: just a parade of news updates followed by a public yawn. It is only a news story because your media betters have declared it A Story.

Conservatives might be wags to poke the other two and say “See? Obamacare!”

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.