Congressmen ply their trade, sizing up available johns campaign contributors.

Democrats consider themselves and Big and Little party.  That is, Democrats are a “Big Tent” party, taking any and all comers, no matter how wacky their views. Simultaneously, Democrats claim to be the “Little Guy” party, standing up for Joe Q. Public against The Man.*

Despite Demcorats’ claims, the party of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy is every bit as beholden to large monied interests as Republicans.  The only difference between the parties’ masters is the source of their funding.  Republicans are generally favored by (and paid copious sums of money by) entities whose wealth is generated in our private sector.  Democrats are favored by (and paid copious sums of money by) entities whose wealth is generated by the government’s redistribution of wealth, whether through outright taxpayer funding or through sweetheart laws and regulations.

“Not Democrats! Heaven forfend!”, you say. “Democrats are the party of the little guy.  The party of equal rights for all and social justice!”  And ‘Puter replied simply, “Bullshit.”

Democrats haven’t been the party of the little guy since about 1934 or so.  And their Big Tent claim means only that if you have enough money, you can have dictate how Democrats run their three ring freak show under their Big Tent.

‘Puter’s heard all the claims.  Democrats are pro-union.  Democrats are pro-choice.  Democrats are for social justice.  No, Democrats are not specifically for any of those things.  Democrats are for preserving the money-making enterprises allegedly necessary to ensure unions, or abortions on demand, or “social justice.” 

Democrat politicians don’t give a rat’s ass about individual union members; Democrats care only about the union’s officers who decide where and how dues get spent.  If Democrats cared about union members, they’d overhaul our antiquated labor laws so that teachers aren’t saddled with the same work rules as 1940s coal miners.  Hell, if Democrats cared about workers, they’d get rid of public sector unions altogether and let unions’ involuntary members keep the $750 per year or so unions steal from their paychecks.  The only individuals benefited by unions today are unions’ direct employees and officers and Washington Democrats who depend on unions’ cash “contributions” like Marion Barry depends on his crack dealer.

And Democrat politicians don’t give a crap about “women’s health.”  Democrats care only about ensuring Planned Parenthood and its minions carve off a bit of this year’s taxpayer funding and send it back to Washington Democrats as a down payment on next year’s Planned Parenthood taxpayer provided funding. If Democrats cared about women’s health, they’d treat abortion clinics like hospitals that perform outpatient procedures, including enforcing sanitation regulations.  ‘Puter’s betting his local butcher shop has more frequent visitors from government inspectors than does his local abortion provider.

Democrats don’t care about social justice, either.  It’s just a convenient feel-good term to dupe bleeding hearts into viciously supporting government’s continued forcible redistribution of wealth to organizations that reliably recycle the funding into Democrat only campaign contributions.  Don’t believe ‘Puter?  How about ACORN.  Remember them?  What about AARP?  Democrats don’t care about poor black voters any more than they care about the elderly.  Democrats only care about how much money the organizations that claim to support these “social justice” aims can fleece from their constituents and channel back to Capitol Hill’s reelection coffers.

If Republicans are whores for money, turning tricks for their johns when the price is right, Democrats are walking the streets right next to them.  The only difference between them is what kind of john is acceptable, and even then, it’s really only a matter of price.

*’Puter prefers Democrats’ hippie era term “The Man” to its modern synonyms such as “One Percenters,” “Wall Streeters,” “Banksters” and “‘Puter’s Bitches.”  Well, maybe ‘Puter does like the last one, just a smidge.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.