The Czar has deep seated rage, no sense of conscience, and a vast array of weaponry at his disposal, and yet even he dare not cross Ghettoputer.

But. While ‘Puter is always right, the Czar would like to suggest that items six through eight of his “marriage equality” requirements may be without foundation.

Let us review:

6. Marriage between an adult and a minor, with all the plural and heterosexual/homosexual variants of numbers 1 through 5 above
7. Marriage between a human and an animal, with all the plural and heterosexual/homosexual variants of numbers 1 through 5 above.
8. Any other danged combination of people, animals and things, in any number, that the most perverted among us can imagine.

While those on the Left have a chronic inability to see more than what they want—and fail to appreciate how unintended consequences make mockeries out of nearly everything they attempt—there are some practical limitations to these three items.

First…or rather, sixth. Existing laws prohibit the marriage of heterosexual minors; marriage equality does not guarantee marriage without restriction. A simple stroke of the pen could make it impossible for anyone under 18 years of age to be married without consent, regardless of gender.

Seventh, married couples are required to enter in expressed voluntary consent; no matter how well a guy trains his parrot, the parrot cannot verbally agree to the vows nor can sign a name to a marriage license. Marriage equality, such as it is, will by necessity be limited to human adults. Rights do not necessarily extend to animals: for example, a barking dog is not considered protected speech.

Eighth, the exceptions the Czar humbly submits refute the logic of this claim.

That said, the first five points are precisely accurate. What’s to stop any of that? Nothing.

However, here the Czar assumes a too-familiar place on the soapbox.

Gay marriage, same-sex marriage, marriage equality—call it what you want, with whatever warmed over aren’t-we-too-clever marketing phrase takes the shock out of it. The worst thing the gay community could possibly have done is ally themselves with the Democrats.

Because you have now added years to your cause. Ask the black community how the fight against racism is going. Or ask the desperately poor how the war on poverty is going. Or the potheads how the legalization of drugs is going. Or ask a young Democrat how his job prospects look. Ask any unelected Democrat supporter how things are going for them. Are they that much different from a generation ago?

The Democrats, eager to suck votes off the floor just like a drunk will wring out spilled bourbon from a bar sponge, immediately threw their sweat-stained arms around the gay community and said “Yeah…if you vote for us, we’ll getcha that marriage you wanted…provided the Republicans stay out of the way.”

You made a deal with the devil.

So far—actually, if the gay community really wanted to see same sex marriage recognized, they would indeed have approached the libertarians for support. The libertarians aren’t the least bit interested in government sanction of marriage of any sort, and would back you 100%. The potheads, should they turn off Mannix for a moment, would likewise do well to join up there and get pot legalized.

Go ahead and be outraged by this claim, and then wait and see who is right. Think the Dems will pass same sex marriage in 2012? 2013? 2015? 2020? You’ll be waiting a long time, friends, before you see the Democrats deliver on a promise.

[But Czar, what about racial equality? Yeah, which party was that again who pushed for Civil Rights in the 1950s and 1960s? And what was the name of the other party that fought it tooth and nail and threatened violence? Hmmm.]

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.