‘Puter keeps a mental list of things that piss him off, and periodically shares them with his close friends. By close friends, ‘Puter means “anyone standing within earshot when he encounters something that pisses him off.” Here are a few of ‘Puter’s recently encountered least favorite things:
|‘Puter looks kind of like this in real life,
but less angry, shorter hair and no
1. People who use every single hot summer day as irrefutable evidence that anthropogenic global warming is TEH FAKTZ!!1!! but simultaneous claim that a frigid winter’s day is anything more than a random meteorological outlier with no significance whatsoever.
For a good example of this asinine position, see this Washington Post opinion piece by Eugene Robinson. See also, all of ‘Puter’s bleeding heart liberal college buddies.
2. Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Roman Catholic liturgical music.
Why, Lord, why? Why must you test the faith of your flock in such an horrific manner? Truly, you are all good, all loving, all powerful and all knowing, and it is not lowly ‘Puter’s place to question Your infinite wisdom. But to force the faithful to endure juvenile, uninteresting, self-centered and unsingable 1960s kumbaya music written by Vatican II hard Left Kool-Aid drinkers? How long, O Lord? How long? ‘Puter will salve his battered ears by reading the Book of Job and chanting silently to himself “offer your suffering up for others, so their path may be eased.” But, Lord, Your humble and unworthy servant ‘Puter would truly be able to convince others of Your infinite compassion should you only erase OCP and the St. Louis Jesuits from the face of the earth.
3. Whiny Millennials who take offense to being told they’re not God’s gift to the world, blaming their parents for their plight, thereby unwittingly proving the large point that they’re whiny, self-entitled Millennials.
By now, you’ve surely seen this commencement speech delivered by Wellesley (MA) High School English teacher David McCullough, Jr. ‘Puter thought it refreshing that someone finally told high school seniors the truth: you’re as special as you make yourself, it’s not something someone else can bestow on you.
Millennials being Millennials and therefore blissfully unaware of their asshattery were not content to take their much deserved curb-stomping, slink off to Mommy’s basement, lick their wounds and play Xbox until they’re 36. Rather, decided it would be a good idea to respond. And what a response. Boiled down, it amounts to “It’s not our fault we’re lazy, entitled assholes, it’s yours!” While Millennials’ parents clearly did them a disservice by treating them like precious snowflakes, being a grownup means acknowledging the miserable facts, manning up and getting on with it. Worse, this “Sienna” person seems to think it makes her generation look better that they knew they were being had, but were content to sit back and do exactly nothing about it, other than accepting their parents’ fawning, doting, coddling and money.
Thank God the Millennials weren’t around during World War II. If we had to rely on their drive and resilience, we’d all be speaking German now, living in Fritz and Heidi’s basement, washing their lederhosen and cooking their stinky, cabbage based meals.
4. Whiny Washingtonians who blame Pepco (the local electric utility) for response times, rather than themselves for causing the electrical infrastructure’s vulnerability by demanding little to no rate increase, and electing politicians who went along with them, despite the foreseeable consequences of doing so.
The national news has been filled for days now with horror stories coming out of Washington, D.C. It seems a little bit of rain and a light breeze have caused the Greater DC Metroplex to collectively crap its pants and run screaming for its mother. Sure, that’s hyperbole, but any time ‘Puter gets to beat on DC residents for being wusses, it makes him feel better.
Seriously, though, DC and its suburbs (along with the seldom mentioned West Virginia, Ohio and Pennsyltucky) got pimp-slapped by a hurricane force derecho. This squall line caused significant damage to structures and to electrical infrastructure, not to mention loss of life. Hundreds of thousands of residents have been without electricity for six days during a mid-summer heat wave. It is truly an unfortunate situation.
But DC being DC, there has to be someone to blame. Wait. Let ‘Puter restate that. There has to be someone other than the individual casting the blame to blame. In this case, DC residents have focused on Pepco. You see, in the eyes of many DC residents, evil Pepco failed to upgrade and harden the electrical distribution grid, instead choosing to spend the money on hookers and blow, or whatever else those EVUL CORPORASHUNZ!!!1!1eleventy!! spend money on.
Is this true? Some, but not much. You see, Washingtonians have thwarted just about every single effort Pepco has made to harden and to protect the electrical grid to avoid such massive outages. Here are some facts that DC residents may want to consider before they start blasting Pepco again:
Maryland’s Public Service Commission (MDPSC), the state’s public utility regulatory body charged with setting rates among other things, imposed a rate increase moratorium, freezing electric rates for Marylanders from 1995 through 2006.
Pepco applied in 2006 for a nearly 40% rate increase to compensate it for a decade without any rate increase. The MDPSC agreed to the increase, but phased it in over numerous years. So, again, because of political intervention, Pepco had to do without the funds Maryland admitted Pepco needed.
Pepco applied recently for another rate increase. And, predictably, Maryland turned business into a political issue, working to deny Pepco a red cent.
Pepco has been stymied at every turn by local do-gooders and NIMBY environmentalists bent on saving Gaia’s green garland of trees.
So, let ‘Puter get this straight, Maryland and DC Pepco consumers. Washington, D.C. gets hit by an unpredicted and never-before-seen catastrophic derecho. The derecho slams trees which you refused to allow Pepco to fell or trim back into the power lines, causing massive outages. So that’s got to be Pepco’s fault. After all, Pepco did what you wanted, but really should have both done what you wanted and saved you from yourselves. For this stupidity, ‘Puter’s sending you a shipment of Mandarin’s Schrodinger’s Trees, which trees both exist and do not exist at the same time, handily preventing damage to your power lines. Not.
You then bitch at Pepco for not burying the power lines, not inventing a method of transmitting the power through the air to obviate the need for evil transmission lines and not paying your mortgage and gasoline bills. Yet you same asshats refused at every turn to give Pepco the money it needed to make the improvements you now insist Pepco should have done. You, Pepco’s customers, didn’t want short term pain, so you badgered your political whores into preventing Pepco from receiving any rate increase for 10 years. You try keeping your home up without a salary increase for 10 years and see how you like it.
Then when Pepco finally received a rate increase, you bitched so much that the politicians phased the increase in over years, crippling Pepco’s financial situation. You have fought Pepco tooth and nail for every dime it could have spent doing exactly what you’re crying about now. Next time, instead of playing the “not one penny ever” game, how about you play the “you really need to harden the system, so spend every penny of the rate increase on doing so game.”
‘Puter sees. ‘Puter sees that you, not Pepco, are primarily to blame for your own situation. ‘Puter’s not looking to forgive Pepco, as he’s lived with its “your power’s out on a sunny Fall afternoon, we’re not sure why, and we’re not sure when you’ll have it back” shenanigans. But quit pretending your current situation is all Pepco’s fault. There’s plenty of blame for you to shoulder as well.
5. Liberal pinhead commentators who insist on claiming Mitt Romney is a moron for accurately stating: (1) ObamaCare is a tax and (2) RomneyCare is not a tax, but a penalty.
This is a variation on a theme that recurrently pisses off ‘Puter. That is, people who either have not read the opinion/law/Constitution on which they offer commentary or those who willfully ignore what is plainly true.
On today’s Morning Joe, substitute host Lawrence O’Donnell, aided and abetted by the Reverend (hah!) Al Sharpton, blasted Mitt Romney’s explanation of ObamaCare versus RomneyCare on CBS News. These two morons, along with some 12 year old from the Washington Post and S.E. Cupp of all people, sat around and tooled on that stupid Mitt Romney for being an ignorant slut, or a Mormon (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Romney in his interview controversially and unbelievably claimed that ObamaCare was a tax because the Supreme Court upheld the ObamaCare statute solely on that basis. Further, Romney claimed that RomneyCare was not a tax, but rather a penalty exacted by the state pursuant to its police power.
Stupid Mitt Romney! Stupid, stupid, stupid! How dare Mitt Romney accurately restate the holding of the Supreme Court in a news interview! You see, Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. provided the fifth vote to uphold ObamaCare solely on the basis that the legislation was a constitutional exercise of Congress’ tax power. Further, the Chief Justice held that ObamaCare could not be a penalty because Congress was without an enumerated power to impose a penalty for inaction, shooting down ObamaCare’s Commerce Clause rationale. The Chief Justice stated that only states have a police power such as would permit exaction of a penalty for inaction.
So, in sum, Mitt Romney was correct, MSNBC and Morning Joe is chock-full of logic-blind ideologues, and people should strive to know of what they speak lest they make themselves look dumber than they actually are.
That’s all ‘Puter’s got time for now, but rest assured, there’s a whole world full of dipwads just waiting to be mocked in this space by ‘Puter.
See you soon!
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.