Well, goodness, look at the time. Here we are, March of 2011, and we still do not know who the GOP candidate for president will be. This has so badly torn up the news media that the poor kids are still forced to jump all over Sarah Palin.

The Czar, as you probably know, thinks this is a good idea. The GOP appears to have learned a couple lessons. First, they ran with McCain too early—and the Left had plenty of time to point out, ahem, perhaps correctly what a mellow dude he was. Lesson learned. Then, they waited for-e-ver on a VP candidate. Not until very late in the process did they announce Sarah Palin. The Left made one of those sound effects of a record player needle being dragged off an LP. Remember how nuts they went trying to figure out what her deal was?

Sure you do: it is still going on. The Mandarin, for one, likes to point out to us how many articles in a single day refer to her as the dumbest broad on earth…then, he counts up how many articles on that same day paint her as a Herbert Lom-like evil mastermind. As you expect, the count varies between both. The point is that she cannot be both, so she probably isn’t either one.

Therefore, let them stew. The GOP should take their time before finalizing a candidate. Of course, that does not mean that there are no interested parties. GOP candidates fall into two categories: those who are so insipid or damaged that they won’t beat Obama’s numbers, or those who are so right-wing that they won’t get GOP numbers.

Romney? First category: he is a way-too-moderate cold fish, who is attempting to paint tiger stripes on his scales by making fiscal tightening speeches, re-editing his book to make it sound like RomneyCare is named after someone else, and TPing the White House. No dice, Mitt. You practically guarantee a second term for Obama.

Bolton? Second category: while a smart guy, a badass with foreign policy, and a savvy economics guy, he also gives voters the impression he sleeps with a loaded shotgun. Taped to his hands. A Bolton presidency would probably result in the immediate collapse of Iran. However, the average voter is more favorably disposed to Obama’s dorky bicycle with orange safety flag than Bolton’s bad mama chopper bike with no muffler and blood stains (human?) on the front wheel spike.

Is there any candidate who seems to appeal to both GOP white zinfandelli and TEA whiskey stillers? Actually, there are two: Jefferey Anderson at The Weekly Standard does a great job of analyzing the delightful poll numbers of (1) Wisconsin’s Paul Ryan and (2) New Jersey’s Chris Christie. In that order, these guys are quite popular in both camps. Softer Republicans like their direct, simple-spoken charm, while the Tea Partiers like the fact that these guys are quadruple threats in addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. Coalescing numbers are starting to show that either of these guys could trounce Obama. Think about that for a few seconds. Not merely win. But clinch.

As you know, the Big G has the hearts for both these guys, and a Pres/VP combo with these two would result in (a) a serious foreign policy and domestic dream team, (b) a real statement that America is back—don’t think Reagan: think Coolidge, (c) partying way into the night at the Castle, and for what this is worth (d) a libre tag team combo that could beat any two luchadors you put in the ring. Yes, even El Brujo Loco y El Diente del Tiburón.

By the by, your Czar has reason to believe that Rep. Ryan stops by here from time to time, so that will always get an endorsement from us. And because we control most world events, you would think it behooves us to maybe convince these guys to run for President?

After all, some of our best presidents are those who do not seek the title, but are called to serve the country.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.