Governor McDreamy
Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ) is ‘Puter’s schoolgirl crush, in a societally acceptable, non-homoerotic way.
Check out Gov. Christie’s verbal beatdown of a teachers’ union hack planted in the audience. It makes ‘Puter’s pants all tingly.
Your Gormogons will soon be introducing a line of Gov. Christie action figures, complete with “veto pen of union smiting” and thirteen action phrases including:
* “Get used to being the recipient of public hatred for your Cadillac salaries and benefits, union hack. Now sit down and shut up, unless you want me to continue this public beatdown.”
* “We don’t have the money to continue funding overly generous social welfare on the backs of the private sector, so sit down and shut up, societal leech.”
* “I’ll veto any spending increase you try to cram down my throat, so sit down and shut up political hack. Oh, and while you’re at it, screw your Democrat machine.”
* “Take your weak, slanted questions and sit down and shut up, biased reporter hack.”
* “It’s the people’s government; I’m just caretaking for now.”
If Gov. Christie keeps governing in this style, he may be unable to quell the nascent “Draft Chris Christie in 2012” movement.
Thanks to Dr. J for the reminder to post on this topic.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.